Hi, my name is Mark Canlas and I'm blogging tonite to address two audiences. Unbelievable that I would ever encounter audience++, but it feels like so much of the same. And here I am to defend myself. Classic, I know.
Both of you tell me, hey, something's due, you better get your ass in gear. Ahh, yes, I know that. But in the realistic circumstance on the world, there lives an ever-forgiving horizon, much akin to the previous rubicon we've both come to know and love. Not so quite an edge of death when you can see another step right below it. All I'm saying is that these due dates aren't completely unforgiving. Life is organic, and I'm willing to acknowledge those attributes. So, when there's a crunch time that I know I can't meet, I refuse to work and work and work to the point of futility. Futility because it was supposed to be done at 100% capacity by this date, and I know it won't and can't be. I know me, so please, save your words. By adding this extension that I'm so fond of, I can complete the work in X+ amount of time to 90% capacity. I know that isn't what people really want, but hey, from the school I come from, what's done is done. Stuff just is.
And now you say, but Mark, even if we agree to let you have this magical extension and accept your fate, why aren't you working through the night and finishing the assignment as soon as possible? Well, put simply, the procrastination kicks back in as the margins of forgiveness have increased. I have an extra day, an extra week, whatever. I know it'll be there. So I'll just fuck around till then. I know, I know, it's not an effective use of time. But to me, I'd rather relax and enjoy myself and then refocus when I feel like it. I know me, and I know my zone. And I know that pressuring me to do something I don't want to do will not put me in that zone. I'm my decision maker, I'm my auto-battle, I'm my truth. Solipsism at it's best.
And now each party will acknowledge the other and state... Both of us are yelling at Mark. Why isn't it getting through his thick skull? We, as some of the most important bodies in his life, care deeply for his welfare, and there he is, still not listening to either of us, blocking out both of us. Well what can I say? I'm me. I really do want to be me. And I don't want to here any guff from anybody. I know you don't like giving it. So why don't we just up the utility of the world and stop talking about it? In some circles, talk is cheap, remember? And all your lectures and friendly threats have no utility on my radar. I know you say you want to help, but I'm telling you right back it isn't helping anyone. Certanily not you, and certainly not me. I'm me, remember?
Two audiences. The best of any kind. And I love you to death. But when can I get a moment where you two will just relent... And give in.
Maybe it's like the chase. Things in life are better when they don't really exist, in that you dream all the time. And so let me dream and let us forever argue, that I should do work quicker, faster, better. I agree. But I want to go home (twice, my solution is to run home). I want to play Warcraft. I want to have idle moments. I want to enjoy to enjoy. And I'll enjoy my work. It's not completely fruitless. I don't disagree with you. And I hate fighting with you. But there's always a time, and always a place. And I just don't feel like working. What can I say? I'm Mark, that's me, hi hello.
It's like one of those things... I claim to have this personal fire... That rarely gets accredited for (because I crave attention so much)... But maybe it's better off that way. A life full of secret goods. Only to be yelled at when you slack. Just like the chase. Life just is. And there is the chase.
Defense. Sometimes I feel alone... And sometimes I feel that being alone is really the only answer. The only steadfast truth I have in this world is me. That's why people say things like, "Fuck the world." Fuck the world indeed. But only for a little bit... We're organic. And there's always tomorrow. So why worry?
Man oh man... My teachers, my mentors, my friends, or whatever I have left in them... What would they think? They're be super upset. "This fuckin' guy, look, he hasn't learned anything. I knew it. Fuckin' guy. Fruitful weekend my ass. Dips out on us for what? School? He can't even pull that shit." Well, did I call it or what?
Again, the apathy is just settling it... It's lukewarm, cold, soothing... Whatever. As long as I'm truthful to myself, I think I'll be alright. What's there to be wrong about? The world just is. And yes, I do have a couple unselfish goals, so Mark's world is not without giving. But that, that too, it's just a defense... Why so much defense? Because it feels like an attack...
It's classic.
Did I just come full circle, for the worse? Maybe. Then again, what else would I have become when the world just is.
Posted by Mark Canlas at April 25, 2003 09:25 PM