A certain someone's criticism put me back into a place of solitude, introversion, and distrust... Thanks, Someone. Jerk...
They made me feel bad. About what I did. Someone questioned my motives. They didn't trust me. I think the system is stupid... And now, I have to conform. Or do something.
Maybe this person has a problem with me... I don't like having problems with people. I don't have a problem with this person, except for their making me feel bad. But hey, now I'm in a better place, and that place is called within. I'm in a place where I can curl up in a little ball because no one is willing to comfort me other than myself...
The only sound people ever want to hear is the sound of achievement, because otherwise, they aren't listening. The world revolves around trumping others and proving people wrong, because so many people are full of shit.
And now the spot light is on me. I always say how next time I'm going to do better, but it's getting closer and closer to no next time at all. So maybe the overall procrastination boost has to kick in? I have to prove myself... And I have to make certain people shut the hell up. I have to prove to everyone that I've got what it takes. That I can do this. That I can go to Carnegie Mellon and do all of the wonderful things I've set out to do... Time's running out.
So, this person doesn't trust me. In fact, a lot of people don't trust me. And I guess that's good now. Trust and comfort and all that mushy shit made me complacent... Now's the time to freak out and do what I do best, and earn people's trust. I don't want their trust. I think it sucks. People get too touchy feely at that point... Silly mortals.
Now, I'm in a position, within myself, almost completely distrustful of the world. I'd very much like to put myself at ease and solidify my statement, for my trust would only fall to two forces in exception to my new rule. One, the life saver supreme. Even if we aren't together as often as convention would have it, our time is an amazing time. And two, inspiration and believe supreme. Probably the only person in the world who I'd invest the truest amount of faith in... The most blind and most vulnerable kind. Ehh, after that, all of you can suck it.
And I want you to know, for all passers by dazed and confused at such a negative proclaimation, you have that certain jerk to thank, but jettisoning me into the direction of the most distrustful world. All you're listening to is the sound of achievement.
Posted by Mark Canlas at May 8, 2004 06:17 PM