I have this terrible feeling of trying to... Out-grudge people. As a way of never caving and never showing my weakness. But that would imply that I promised myself... I promised myself achievement. That in some sick and twisted way, I would win this battle and come out on top. But that's a problem in and of itself.
I can't keep promises.
I can think of one promise that I didn't keep... It's more of a symbolic one, where I didn't really apply myself and follow through... But everything else, all the shallow and daily promises... I dunno. I don't think I've ever kept one. And I think I should stop giving my word to people. I personally think my word is crap. No one should ever really listen to me.
It's upsetting really. That I should keep challenging myself and that I'm always failing. Being never able to stand up for myself or stand tall or properly, with such great fortitude and constittuion. I'm quite a weak individual, I think.
And with that, I make the cyclical fake promise of battling my vices, embracing ideals, and trying to be a more well-balanced person. But, lately, it's all felt like... Fuck being well-balanced.
I don't know anymore. The world, in the end, is still being dumb, only offering refuge in the cages of the mind.
The bars. They aren't keeping me in. They're keeping the freaks out. (a la Beast Boy)
Posted by Mark Canlas at August 31, 2004 07:58 AM