Watching Teen Titans today was great. Really great. Because I got to see just how related and intertwined Robin and Slade were... And just how twisted and deranged Robin could be. Just more of the evidence to add to the fact that he's an INTJ. His inner world of haunting images. This extreme detective skill and clarity for the future. His unwillingness to budge. His self-reliance.
And it made me feel good inside. To relate to a very similar, ninja-wannabe inside of me... And it also reminded me of how bad things could get. INTJs, in their classical, pure, and textbook sense, are dangerous... I'd speak of we, but then I might be setting myself up for danger.
The world... It just crashes and overwhelms. Because people don't understand. People just don't see... But INTJs do. They see it all. With laser-light accuracy, even through all of the running around and mess that gets in the way.
Robin was so close to just... Losing it... And some days, I've felt like I've lost it. There was even a day in my life where I truly killed a part of me. I reached deep in my soul and assassinated a very important part of my being. I can't deny that that or anything else in this world hasn't helped brought me to be who I am today... But in list and retrospect, that was the key ingredient. And I wasted it all.
Today, some might say I've been given a second chance... A third even. But the way I see it, is that I'm reborn. But even after being reborn, I'm on the verge of dying. Every day it feels like I'm going to die, and there won't be much left of me... That, it's my job and my duty to release whatever is inside of me and make sure that it gets left behind. To bring peace to the world and prosper.
Which brings me to my feeling bad every day. Every day it feels like a battle, between suffering as an INTJ or celebrating an enjoying life as someone else (ESFP maybe?). I was taught how to enjoy the fruits of life, but now I've reverted back to my classic, misunderstood character. The worst part is that I know too much. I know how to make myself change, how to get what I want, and how to fit in. And for some days, I choose not to exercise that ability at all. Because I know of the comfort that solitude brings me.
But, I know somewhere else that solitude isn't enough. That there has to be some greater thing out there. And I'm on the verge of finding out what that is. But everything feels like a rubicon. That at any moment, it could all come crashing down, as I've said before...
So, to the heros and ideals of the world, research, music, Robin, some sort of joy and happiness, achievement, heroes, and psychic bonds, you keep me alive. But for all other things... I don't know what to say. It's just all a blur. A blur that I might just dive past.
Dive into oblivion.
If ever I couldn't... Live. I'd die.
Posted by Mark Canlas at October 2, 2004 08:45 PM