I thought everything was going well today. I really did. But maybe it was until I spilled food on Arun's lap... Or maybe it was before that...
Before that, someone told me something. This person heard it from another person. And that person supposedly has the Inside Secret. No one is supposed to know. But the fact remains, the seeds are planted, and I'm turning into a mighty upset person.
I feel like... Everything is spinning out of control. All of this is in the assumption that what I was told was true. And I'm banking on that. Because I don't want to question the character of anybody, and accuse them of being a liar... But for the safety of the world and my sanity, I swear to God I hope someone was being stupid, miscommunicating, or lying.
The crux of my college career has been... A fire. An undying fire that captured me since the day I was born at NJIT. And to me, this fire all culminates into one sole point... A point very near and dear to my heart, granted to me twice before. I'm sure last time I was like this, I complained. And the time before that, I was just hopeful. But now, more than ever, I'm aching. I'm crying and dying inside every day that I'm around. And this is like the last hurdle that's outside of my hands... The rest is just icing.
And it feels like... I've been doing the wrong thing. And just assuming. And I'm really trying to blame myself. And not accuse anyone of anything. But the fact remains is that the decision lies elsewhere and I'm purely the victim of the jury. But... It means so much to me that without it, nothing else would mean anything. I mean, I've tried telling myself and repeating that I've told people I don't hold haven't hold and couldn't hold anything against anyone...
But this... If I had to be mean, spoiled, cruel-hearted, a loser, and a dummy, this would be it. I would channel any potential energy I had for negativity in this and completely lash out. I don't think I could handle it.
You know how people say you're better of not knowing? Like, no one can pretend that something was never said? It's true. It's the same reason why I don't tell anyone anything. Now people will know why I'm upset. And I'm gonna be freakin' upset. I'm going to just make pouty faces everywhere and just whine and cry...
But you know? All that whining and crying... It's all preemptive... We'll find out soon enough if I'm the happiest person on Earth or the most bitter... The most dangerous and the most unstable.
I feel stupid. It's like... If this message were to go anywhere... It'd be like a threat. Feed me or else. Or else what?
But that's the problem! I'm not thinking of anything else! I'm just making wild accusations, blaming, bitterness, hatred.... I'm making conspiracy theories... And I just want it to be true. So that it will bend me out shape and truly eat me alive.
I think in the worst, twisted way, this really would take my life away... I mean, there's only so much someone can live for... And if they don't have anything stable to stand on, why stay afloat to begin with...
I don't know. I'm supposed to trust people. But this is really boarding on heart. Like... Something I would not budge for. There's like no force in the world that could make me change my mind... It's not a big deal to you, maybe, but it means the world to me... It meant the world to me. And without this... I don't know how I could continue. I really don't.
My promise to meditate this semester hasn't really been working. And... I think... I'm so upset and bent out of shape that I'd make myself a negative promise... That... If the world didn't play cosmic one more time... That if there really isn't a God... And that there's one decision that I cannot trust... I would make a negative promise... And I would just go crazy.
I couldn't handle it. My brain couldn't comprehend it. I'm on the brink of death... Of just giving up everything... Just because I couldn't have it my way...
I guess that goes to show I haven't learned anything. And that... No matter what happens, I never will learn anything...
The only hope is ... Just the opposite of what I said. That there is a God. That the world is cosmic. And that everything has a rhyme and reason. And that this rhyme will match my dream and conspiracy theory... Because without hope, there is nothing.
And when you have nothing, you have everything. (Because when you have everything, you have nothing.)
I can't focus. For the next few days, I'm going to be very, very moody... Very upset. Like I don't want to talk to anyone... And I don't. The only person I confided in... Is a weirdo. =) Well, I hope he does a good job. But anyway. I'm gonna try to be very moody. But inside, I'm secretly dying. And praying. And crying. And hoping. Because if not this...
I don't know what else there is left... I really don't.
If I forgot to mention... I previously confided... It was the only thing greater to me, in my life, greater than the fire that swallowed me whole... The fire will swallow me alive, but for worse than the better maybe.
A lot worse. But at least I'd have the most mental clarity I've had in my entire life.
I'm begging you. I'm pleading. With everything that I stand for. Please save my life. Again.
Posted by Mark Canlas at October 9, 2004 11:06 PM