So, I guess that's about it... Not too climactic. Dunno why. It's supposed to be, though, I think...
Finally being able to go back to my room, shower, etc. not so big a deal...
Everything coming to an end... Very quiet. Not so big a deal.
Everything's just not... Anything. And somehow, I put myself here.
Funny, all of this... All of this added up... It's pretty important to me. But, I always stood on record as having something that meant more to me than this... Very awkward. And that's all my mind can focus on. So, after showering, and playing tactics, here's what I have.
There is the system. And fulfilling the system as intended. And then there is you, with your own goals and aspirations. I feel, that even with all that went through, personally, one aspect of the system was never really... Fulfilled. And then there's what I want.
And as I walked back to my room, I said to myself... Part of life is to force a result. Much of what happened to us this weekend. And, conversely, I have my own life to funnel. I want something. And whether some outside system will let me have it or not, I will get my way.
Kind of stubborn, if you read into like that. But also kind of... A gift. That, even if the chips are down, the chips are down, but you are not out. You must force a result to manifest itself from your own heart. Be true to thine own heart.
And so if I was to play the system, I wouldn't be true to myself. But all I have left in me is my heart and no one can take that away from me. No one.
So, to my Sexmachines brothers and friends and teachers, thank you. And to the one whose most fault it is for cultivating me to be the man I am today, thank you.
Posted by Mark Canlas at December 5, 2004 02:13 PM