So... Like... after all that work... I've still come up with nothing.
Well, not nothing nothing. No, not nothing. But, in some sense, when I ask certain questions, or just want to ask questions... I've got nuthin...
Where are you?
...
I wish I had a friend that was psychic. Or at least someone to ask me how I was doing...
...
I was thinking today. I'd much rather put myself through the gauntlet rather than suffer... Being through the gauntlet, no one can say you didn't earn it. Or didn't try, even. For the longest... I haven't tried. But now I am. Anyway...
We do the things we do for cost/benefit. Clearly... Something's not being addressed. And I'm unsatisfied. But my calculations tell me I don't have room to be otherwise. So... I have to think of something. Because it's still not all working out.
If I don't think of something, it will just keep getting worse. The illusions will keep baiting me in... Eventually, I'll learn to fully accept being hateful... And that's just... I dunno. Unproductive in and of itself. But I'm not being given much choice. It's all stupid really.
Everything is stupid.
I dunno. I'm just worried. Maybe there's a part of me... That... Doesn't wanna turn out that way. You know? Maybe I'm worried about myself. And the direction I'm taking. And... Also... I really don't care what anybody says about this but I'm pretty damn good at my intuitions. And who knows me better than me, right?
Anyway. And also. I hate it when people try invalidate your feelings... Like, no, you're not allowed to feel that way. Or... It's illogical. Dude, this isn't a debate. I'm just talking. Jeez, if you didn't want to listen, say something... Hate that. Hate that with a passion. Because I know I'm right. And it's not even about being right. It already happened. So why are you trying to add stress to my life by telling me something that I was victim to is... Nothing. You're telling me that I'm nothing? Nice. Real nice.
See, it's things like that... I dunno. I wish... I wish life was better. Because it's not right now. I'm doing the best I can by myself. And maybe this whole by myself thing will start to change. I dunno. If it was to change, this person better damn well have the secret to life. Because I ain't nobody's fool! Haha, I'm kidding. I'm a total sucker. I'm a jerk, too.
*sigh* So back to the gauntlet... Maybe if I burn myself out, there won't be any room left to feel... I won't feel happy, and I won't feel sad either. And... To avoid that emptiness... I almost think it's worth it. I don't believe in this whole thinking positive thing... It's crap. It's feeling. Thinking negatively though... Now that's productive.
On the aside, I'll give you a great example of how thinking negatively, positively, can help. Case study? Successful FOBs. That's right. FOBs are actually good for something. Actually, only the cream of the crop. Successful FOBs know what it's like to be poor, down on their luck, and have nothing to lose. That's why some end up being insanely successful. They don't want to be poor anymore. It's called my... Anti-thesis theory. I can't remember what it is in psychology (negative reinforcement?) but it's just focusing on the negative... And avoiding it.
So that's what I do. Daily. Think negatively. Helps loads.
Also, on the topic of having nothing to lose... So... I believe that constraint builds character. Among many people, I believe in builds fraternity (the concept, not the noun). Anyway... I believe that poor people (read: people that have been through hardships) are in a better position, regarding their morality and ethics and belief and drive, than well-to-do kids. And... I think I gotta say... For all the complaining I do, I'd say I'm pretty well-to-do. And I'm not trying to flaunt my riches. But look, I'm fat, I'm full, and I'm typing on my blog. That means I'm indulgent, I have food, I'm educated, and I have certain luxuries and access to the Internet. Much more than other kids have...
Anyway. I was thinking of... Simulating hardship. You know, like earning your keep... Thinking like a poor-to-do kid, but keeping all your amenities. Some say ludicrous. I say... Completely plausible.
And by the way... All the complaining I do for how well off I am... I don't think it's unjustified. I don't think anyone's feelings are unjustified (you know I hate that). It's like... We all have to complain about something. It's just in our nature. Just scale it up (or down) a bit if you don't understand.
Some people complain about not having their next meal. Some people complain about their dad not buying them a $40,000 car. Stuff like that. Just... Scale it up some. Scratch some worries, add summore.
Whatever. I'm just going to drown myself in work... I get paid hourly anyway. Each hour is one step closer to freedom... Each minute is one step closer to freedom in general.
Also, I thought... Time's running out. Each minute is also one less minute to spend as a happy man. Meaning... I'm not happy right now.
So much stuff to do out there in the world...
Kinda makes me think what I'd do if I had kids... By the way, I know exactly what I'd do.
Because I'm an INTJ. And that's what INTJ's do. =)
*sigh* Anyway... All this temporary feel-goodiness that I'm giving myself right now by releasing... It's all fleeting. I have to keep training myself. All this goodness? It's fake. It won't help anybody, especially me. Gotta keep my mind straight. It's all crumbling down. Each day, just a knife spinning in my gut...
There's no such thing as happiness.
And I'm doing my best to survive and crawl out of the hole.
Posted by Mark Canlas at April 10, 2005 10:33 PM