Before I write any further... I just want to clarify by saying... No, I'm not crying because I'm dying of radiation poisoning or that I'm living minute to minute in a third world country... I can't say that. I'm an American. I've already got a couple bonuses that other individuals don't have. However, I don't believe we can constantly be saying these things to discount how people feel. I'm a firm believer that dis...
Wait. Watching a very emotional episode of Zatch Bell (haha) isn't helping. Composure...
Anyway, I'm a firm believer that discounting people's feelings is wrong. I think... Education. And knowledge. And perspective purely from the person's own eyes is the only right way to deal with someone. So yeah... No third world distress here. Just little old me, spoiled New Jersey brat. And to continue...
I can remember three times where I cried in the recent past. One was when someone told me no, another was when something didn't go my way, and one was when someone said yes. But all very much related issues, to those who know me in that context.
Today, I thought I could cry it out of my system... But I don't think it will ever leave me. Just like those past three times I cried. I can't remember not thinking about them or what they were about. This issue won't leave me until it's over...
In the heat of my most vulnerable moment... I was thinking... Wow, I thought this was over. I talked it over, was even given a great solution... But I guess I just kept reminding myself of how much it hurts. Why even go through this. It was painful.
And at the point, my mind settled on two things. One, pain. The other, pride. All of this was caused by pride, I'm pretty sure... And I wondered, what is the purpose of pride in this world? I was thinking maybe even... People aren't that good unless they have a certain amount of pride. You know, drive, belief, something to stand by? Could you imagine someone with no pride at all? Maybe I'm just stretching pride to be the most golden word possible.
I'm pretty sure I'm a proud person. Too proud, some might say. Proud like being a jerk. Like being stubborn. Like refusing to accept blame. But this whole refusing to accept blame... It's a psychological thing. For everybody, at some level. It's how we function and prevent cognitive disonance. So... I'm never wrong.
Okay, at this point, if you're thinking, Mark, you're a jerk because you believe you're never wrong. Listen, if deep down in your heart, you really think that way, then I can't help you. But if not...
So whatever about that pride leaves me... On to pain. I don't think anyone should have to go through pain. And I don't mean physical, triumph over adversity kinda pain, but just pure emotionally wrecking pain... No one should have to suffer, ever. Maybe some people will insist that the lows make the highs... But I'm unsatisfied. Like a great leader would be. Unsatisifed with the current state of the world that people have to suffer. Over anything. Right now, I'm suffering over my own issues...
I guess I'm in a calmer state now... But 15 minutes ago, or in any state of mind that I can remind myself of exactly how I felt, the pain isn't worth it, I don't think... I would give up my dreams of everything, singing, designing, just drop it all... For the ability to not feel pain. No pain. For ever and ever... Then I was thinking of all those weird sci-fi fantasy movies where the people decide to be painless and then end up being lifeless zombies forever... But is that pain? Like Pirates of the Caribbean? To be thirsty forever... Maybe they got jipped.
Anyway. It was painful. All too painful... Maybe all of this is just part of my personality type... Where I'm emotionally hypersensitive. I usually like ot think of myself as thick-skinned. But maybe I dish it out more than I can take it. But who takes time out to get me this way? I dunno, but when it happens, I think I'm down and out, for pretty much a long time... It's cutting me deep, and eating me alive, and I can't help it. That's just the way I am.
I don't want to experience pain. I want out...
I guess one of the most upsetting parts about all this is that it's coming from people that I thought I could believe in the most... But as Bobby pointed out... People are only angry for as much as they care (it was in much more broken English). I believe in that too. If people truly are heated up and angry... It's because in some twisted sense, they care.
I know I do. I would never get angry at someone unless I cared about their welfare. To be honest though, to me, it's never about someone's actual welfare. Haha. It's more about their performance. But that's important to me, haha.
Umm... But yeah. I'm in a jolly mood now. All sarcastic and wrighty... But I guess I'll just go back to reminding myself... Life's not all roses. Life is pretty bleak, actually. It's a miserable existance, filled with choices and sad things... That stress you out. People that make you upset. Things that make you cry. There's just no end to it. And I don't think I've ever seen a day where I could admit that the good outweighs the bad...
Even moments in singing and designing and maybe admitting to myself that I'm genuinely happy... It just all goes away too fast. I feel like a scale that's gradually tipping to one side. One day, there won't be anything left of me.
I'll just... vanish.
And it won't hurt.
PS - I wanted to mention this, but I forgot to fold it in... I won't even try. That stream was good enough. "The sun will always rise." or something to that effect. Used to describe the constant state of the world versus someone's extreme volatility, usually in emotional dispair or confusion. I still don't like that! It's something that people say to make people with feelings feel less of themselves. I mean... If I truly knew that the world continues on without me, then good for me. Or good for you, for that matter. But I don't. And I feel a certain way. Throughout my existence, it causes me to feel a certain way. Now there you are, with your quippy little solve it all saying, to remedy my existence? I don't think so. I think... I think life is a very serious thing. Everything should be taken serious. Everything should have passion and drive and energy and insanity. None of this lax bullshit... Being lax won't give you anything other than inner peace. And life isn't about inner peace. It's about better. It's about progression. It's about the future. It's about solving one's unsatisfaction...
So if the sun really does rise each day... It can do that without me.
Posted by Mark Canlas at April 24, 2005 05:19 PM