I want to say I feel like Adam... Every time I listen to the Hyannis Sound, the feeling just takes me over completely... I told Adam and Calvin that I would probably drop everything I'm doing if someone offered me a chance to join an a cappella group. It just seems so... Amazing. That I really would consider a fleeting moment... To devote everything to a cappella. That's why I sing. That's why I tried starting my own failure of a club. But we try. And we fight.
I was talking to a friend of mine once... Adam. And I asked him, why are we friends? Why are we friends with people? I have certain beliefs that I hold strongly and some people are in opposition to that... So why hang out with them at all?
And Adam told me... We're friends because we're not perfect. That even through all of the differences and strife, we can come to some concensus that neither of us is perfect. But we are friends.
A message as simple as that seems to be the strongest to me. And now, in college, it's the most difficult to exercise.
This was so my idea! But, as a scientist, I should be more concerned with the pursuit of science and the acquirement (?) of knowledge, and not the inflation of my ego. Props to whoever figured it out.
See? This is exactly why I wish I were a little more articulate and capable in the professional world...
I'm reading the current issue of interactions and I'm really enjoying the way this one article is going... It's entitled In Pursuit of Desktop Evolution and it mentions how the seperation of everything is ruining how users think... That's great. I'm excited. Everything should be linked. Should be the same. It just all goes along with my master plan...
When I think about technology, there's only so much to think about. I keep seeing the same problems over and over again, and I think for the most part, they're solved. All the grunt work, all the math, it's done. All we need is presentation.
Like the searching of things. I think everyone and their mother uses SQL, or at least that's what I'm getting from the tech community. SQL is a way to interact with a database, and a database is nothing more than an overrated set of nodes, each of which have attibutes. Do you know how many things in this world fit that description? Jeez...
And all the while, I'm thinking the next file system or way of interacting with our computers will be something very database-esque, save, there's more abstractions, of course. Like time. Time is a great abstraction. The attribute in the database is just an epoch second. But what I really want is a time interaction abstraction, like a calendar, or "yesterday". Again, more concepts which have already been solved...
I think, if I had the time to properly document and reuse these philsophies and algorithms, I'd never have to actually write anything ever again. Pretty ambitious, I know. But, a worthy and notable goal.
Here's to the pursuit of science and knowledge. Cheers.
hey man ... just so you know ... ever since you made that comment about about math problems being like onions ... things have become so much more clearer .... thanks man .... seriously ... thanks
Onions is one of the corniest references I could ever give... I mean, I think about calculus functions in a similar way, but never manifesting it to the point of actually using onions. Just a depthy, composite nature. But I'm glad I could help somebody.
As cited by Calvin, attributed to Ed...
In the morning, you ask, what can I do...
In the evening, you ask, what did I do...
I'm not sure if this philosophy has manifested yet but... Here goes.
What if there was no such thing as an Inbox, Outbox, and Sent Items? Like... What if mail was just mail... And the mail I produce is part of the threads I create? Usually, when I reply to an e-mail, it creates a thread under the message I replied to. But I never see that. Shouldn't all that e-mail be in one view, so I can see my entire conversation with someone? I dunno, maybe that's just me.
There was a point in my life where I once affirmed that loving something you can't have is a greater love than if you had it. Like, you don't know how much something is worth until it's gone.
I'm somewhere like that. But I'm trying to be happy. To play the happy card, bend reality, and warp it in my favor. After all, I'm the best under constraint. Even though this is the worst constraint ever, I'll tell myself in forty years that it was just one of many that would mold me into a greater man. But my former self would never let me forget. Of course not. I'm a composite of myself.
I don't like the way people try to downplay my feelings. As if they're not that important. Or maybe that I'm wrong. And that just harps on the wrong chord. To me, that's like violate a rule of human to human interaction.
I dunno, let's see... There are lots of things you can do. Change someone's actual opinion. Usually not effective and very destructive. Apply the system on them and make them see that they are wrong... Also kind of destructive... Actively downplay their feelings? Yeah, that kinda works too... But none of these, in my opinion, are the right way to go. And here's a reformulation of it, just to prove it to you, using all of the nifty things I've learned about human interaction.
One, you can't really change someone's opinion. Only they can. So what do you do? Make the world super conductive to their own opinion. You don't want to add resistence to their existing one. Just don't make it any more viable than it already is. Add to the easiness of a new opinion, and attribute its foundation and success to the opinionator. And you? Yeah, you get nothing. It sucks, I know, but that's the whole part about changing someone's opinion. You didn't do it, they did.
Two, applying the system on somebody... I dunno, that just kinda hurts. Not everyone subscribes to the cold, hard logic. So, what do people subscribe to? I don't know, but you better find out! I'm just guessing here that finding some inconsistency in someone's behavior and comparing it to one of their more fundamental beliefs... It might get you somewhere. They wouldn't want to break their own rules, so you're just reminding them. Again, not your change. Theirs. All theirs.
Three and lastly, downplaying people's feelings. This is the main reason why I'm writing this because people don't seem to get it. No matter how much talking or comforting or getting over something happens, people will never understand this. Understand me now or understand me never. I will never downplay my own feelings. I believe. And I believe fully. With all of my being, more than you could ever imagine. Don't even try asking me questions about it. Your little head would explode trying to understand what I see. And let's just say you can't. The one thing you could have done here for me is at least hype up the alternative. Don't talk about me. Talk about you. And all these stupid little promises you make. And let me come along for your ride and let me understand for myself what the hell you want me to do. But don't you ever call me unimportant or say that things aren't that bad. If I say they're bad, they're bad. Who are you to tell me otherwise.
And that's my story. Thank you and good night.
The world will never be good enough. And that is why we fight. That is why we choose to fight. And that is why we must fight.
As I was discussing with Calvin, some people are just voids of happiness or voids of anger and you just don't know where their energy comes from... They're fighters. They will fight for whatever they believe in until their last faint faltering breath. And I want to be a fighter too. I believe in certain things. And living breath willing, I won't let them die.
And it made me think of algorithms. Algorithms should for the most part be greedy. They should want to do everything and be everything. But they can't. And that's the real world of it. But in computer science, there is no real world, just the hypothetical. And the hypothetical possibility that you can and do everything. Be everything. And you try. Even though you don't make it, you just press run again and try.
It's like the Perl virtue of impatience, which is a negative quality. Negative meaning you don't want the most, but the least, which is the most times negative one. Power. So I want something done as fast as possible. Life should be fast. Do it now. Because there might not be a later. And besides, with today's technology, space is cheap. So time over space algorithms are much more in demand than space saving time crunching algorithms.
So. Be fast. Be a fighter. And I will always fight for you. And I will always fight for myself. And no one can take that away from me. And it's that that I will have to settle for. But it is something I will always fight to undo or make right.
Well, the long and short of it is that I didn't get what I wanted. But, I'm still alive to write this post, and I guess that's all that matters. I'm so far removed from anger, it's kind of surprising.
But. At least I have a new place to cause trouble. And. An old place that means even more to me. It'd be our secret.
So. Thanks. For saving my life. As you do every day. In each capacity, official and unofficial. I know it. I'll always know it. And that's all that matters to me.
Stupid traffic copy lady is being a little bitch. You know what, for people like you, I should get hit by a car. Then you are liable. Then we'll see who's retarded. But Mark, is it really worth it to get hit by a car just to make fun of someone? Yes, yes it is.
Hey. Hey you! Stop! I should have stopped. You. Blah blah blah. My duty. Do you think I'm out here for my health? I shoulda been like, yeah, bitch, you are. Freakin', it's your job and you need the freakin' money. And. Am I new here? Hell yeah. With my fly new NJIT sweater. I'm brown. Fresh off the plane. Don't know my way around the streets.
Thank you, traffic cop lady bitch. I'll be sure to dash right across the street next time you're there. Right into a car. Then we'll see who has the rast raff.
Yo, I really don't like it when there's someone that I'm supposed to respect... And then I don't... And then they give me shit... And I'm automatically like, YO, who the fuck are you to question me... Fuck that shit... Seriously, yo. Fuck. That. Shit. Ghetto INTJ style right there. Don't bring it unless you can back it.
I'm looking at James using Red Hat and I made the thought, "Linux looks sexy, but doesn't act sexy."
The booting up process was amazing. It looked real nice. But it took forever to discover his network card, which wasn't even there, and right now, he's trying to mount his D drive. How retarded is that?
I was looking at John (Scanlan) and the wind had this weird feel to it... And then inside, this feeling just bubbled up inside of me and I wanted to say "it's October".
I thought about being young, hanging out at Lincoln school, the leaves rustling, Halloween costumes, and just the general aura of the season.
That's October.
I woke up with a stomach ache. I swear, it's all that junk food I've been eating... And then I remembered how good I felt yesterday after drinking green tea... So I'm trying it again today, without eating anything. Because I know from personal experience and from Kayah that eating does not help an upset stomach. And if you do need to eat, stick to mad simple things like rice and water.
Ugh, I'm not feeling too good. But I'm guess I'm kinda excited. JC told me not to worry. So I'm trying not to. But, if things are good, then I'll be happy as happy can be. If things don't, because I have to continue the logical assertion of all cases in a given universe, then, I don't know. I'm trying to be angry. I'm trying to dwell on it. But it's just not happening. Another nasty side effect of being happy.
Damn you, [insert name]. Damn you...
EWW. I can't understand why being all happy and cheery and not worrying undoes all the damage that being angry does. I mean, I like being angry. I like conspiring. And then all this feeling and happiness gets in the way of thinking. I mean, who invented this stuff!?
Well, let the record show that I'm going fine now. I still might be upset in the future, but JC instilled a little faith in me. Just enough to keep me going. Faith plus a positive outcome equals happysauce forever. Faith plus a negative outcome equals uber upsetness forever and forever. Grr I'll run it into the ground or run it into the sky.
I dunno. I'm still racking my brain and going crazy... But if I were to let go and trust, as I've been taught... I dunno. Maybe that would be the best solution for now.
To just let all of this tension go and trust that things will go in the best way possible...
The problem is, I'm so stuck in my ways... That this issue of all issues, there is only one best possible way... And I can trust. I will. I really can. I've done it before. So I know it's possible. But...
If... My trust... Was... Violated I guess? If I kept trusting and believing and putting my heart out and I didn't get what I wanted... Which sounds so selfish... But I don't know how I could continue without it...
I could keep trusting. Just to save my sanity. Up until that breaking point. After that, all bets are off. I can't tell you what would happen. It'd be bad.
I'm just gonna go insane. But I'll keep that under the guise of trusting you. I really will try. Let's see who knows each other the best.
Otherwise... That'd be it. Seriously.
Every moment that I'm awake is just another opportunity that I can remind myself of how things aren't going to work out... That this really will be the end of it all. That... There's not much after this.
I'm getting very antsy. I want to know. To resolve. To be judged. But I have to pretend like all these other petty things in life matter. I just have to keep going until I can find out. And that's the worse part. Just entertaining people. I want them to all go away... I really do. I just want everything to melt away and be done with. I can't handle the stress that this week is bringing me.
I thought everything was going well today. I really did. But maybe it was until I spilled food on Arun's lap... Or maybe it was before that...
Before that, someone told me something. This person heard it from another person. And that person supposedly has the Inside Secret. No one is supposed to know. But the fact remains, the seeds are planted, and I'm turning into a mighty upset person.
I feel like... Everything is spinning out of control. All of this is in the assumption that what I was told was true. And I'm banking on that. Because I don't want to question the character of anybody, and accuse them of being a liar... But for the safety of the world and my sanity, I swear to God I hope someone was being stupid, miscommunicating, or lying.
The crux of my college career has been... A fire. An undying fire that captured me since the day I was born at NJIT. And to me, this fire all culminates into one sole point... A point very near and dear to my heart, granted to me twice before. I'm sure last time I was like this, I complained. And the time before that, I was just hopeful. But now, more than ever, I'm aching. I'm crying and dying inside every day that I'm around. And this is like the last hurdle that's outside of my hands... The rest is just icing.
And it feels like... I've been doing the wrong thing. And just assuming. And I'm really trying to blame myself. And not accuse anyone of anything. But the fact remains is that the decision lies elsewhere and I'm purely the victim of the jury. But... It means so much to me that without it, nothing else would mean anything. I mean, I've tried telling myself and repeating that I've told people I don't hold haven't hold and couldn't hold anything against anyone...
But this... If I had to be mean, spoiled, cruel-hearted, a loser, and a dummy, this would be it. I would channel any potential energy I had for negativity in this and completely lash out. I don't think I could handle it.
You know how people say you're better of not knowing? Like, no one can pretend that something was never said? It's true. It's the same reason why I don't tell anyone anything. Now people will know why I'm upset. And I'm gonna be freakin' upset. I'm going to just make pouty faces everywhere and just whine and cry...
But you know? All that whining and crying... It's all preemptive... We'll find out soon enough if I'm the happiest person on Earth or the most bitter... The most dangerous and the most unstable.
I feel stupid. It's like... If this message were to go anywhere... It'd be like a threat. Feed me or else. Or else what?
But that's the problem! I'm not thinking of anything else! I'm just making wild accusations, blaming, bitterness, hatred.... I'm making conspiracy theories... And I just want it to be true. So that it will bend me out shape and truly eat me alive.
I think in the worst, twisted way, this really would take my life away... I mean, there's only so much someone can live for... And if they don't have anything stable to stand on, why stay afloat to begin with...
I don't know. I'm supposed to trust people. But this is really boarding on heart. Like... Something I would not budge for. There's like no force in the world that could make me change my mind... It's not a big deal to you, maybe, but it means the world to me... It meant the world to me. And without this... I don't know how I could continue. I really don't.
My promise to meditate this semester hasn't really been working. And... I think... I'm so upset and bent out of shape that I'd make myself a negative promise... That... If the world didn't play cosmic one more time... That if there really isn't a God... And that there's one decision that I cannot trust... I would make a negative promise... And I would just go crazy.
I couldn't handle it. My brain couldn't comprehend it. I'm on the brink of death... Of just giving up everything... Just because I couldn't have it my way...
I guess that goes to show I haven't learned anything. And that... No matter what happens, I never will learn anything...
The only hope is ... Just the opposite of what I said. That there is a God. That the world is cosmic. And that everything has a rhyme and reason. And that this rhyme will match my dream and conspiracy theory... Because without hope, there is nothing.
And when you have nothing, you have everything. (Because when you have everything, you have nothing.)
I can't focus. For the next few days, I'm going to be very, very moody... Very upset. Like I don't want to talk to anyone... And I don't. The only person I confided in... Is a weirdo. =) Well, I hope he does a good job. But anyway. I'm gonna try to be very moody. But inside, I'm secretly dying. And praying. And crying. And hoping. Because if not this...
I don't know what else there is left... I really don't.
If I forgot to mention... I previously confided... It was the only thing greater to me, in my life, greater than the fire that swallowed me whole... The fire will swallow me alive, but for worse than the better maybe.
A lot worse. But at least I'd have the most mental clarity I've had in my entire life.
I'm begging you. I'm pleading. With everything that I stand for. Please save my life. Again.
Watching Teen Titans today was great. Really great. Because I got to see just how related and intertwined Robin and Slade were... And just how twisted and deranged Robin could be. Just more of the evidence to add to the fact that he's an INTJ. His inner world of haunting images. This extreme detective skill and clarity for the future. His unwillingness to budge. His self-reliance.
And it made me feel good inside. To relate to a very similar, ninja-wannabe inside of me... And it also reminded me of how bad things could get. INTJs, in their classical, pure, and textbook sense, are dangerous... I'd speak of we, but then I might be setting myself up for danger.
The world... It just crashes and overwhelms. Because people don't understand. People just don't see... But INTJs do. They see it all. With laser-light accuracy, even through all of the running around and mess that gets in the way.
Robin was so close to just... Losing it... And some days, I've felt like I've lost it. There was even a day in my life where I truly killed a part of me. I reached deep in my soul and assassinated a very important part of my being. I can't deny that that or anything else in this world hasn't helped brought me to be who I am today... But in list and retrospect, that was the key ingredient. And I wasted it all.
Today, some might say I've been given a second chance... A third even. But the way I see it, is that I'm reborn. But even after being reborn, I'm on the verge of dying. Every day it feels like I'm going to die, and there won't be much left of me... That, it's my job and my duty to release whatever is inside of me and make sure that it gets left behind. To bring peace to the world and prosper.
Which brings me to my feeling bad every day. Every day it feels like a battle, between suffering as an INTJ or celebrating an enjoying life as someone else (ESFP maybe?). I was taught how to enjoy the fruits of life, but now I've reverted back to my classic, misunderstood character. The worst part is that I know too much. I know how to make myself change, how to get what I want, and how to fit in. And for some days, I choose not to exercise that ability at all. Because I know of the comfort that solitude brings me.
But, I know somewhere else that solitude isn't enough. That there has to be some greater thing out there. And I'm on the verge of finding out what that is. But everything feels like a rubicon. That at any moment, it could all come crashing down, as I've said before...
So, to the heros and ideals of the world, research, music, Robin, some sort of joy and happiness, achievement, heroes, and psychic bonds, you keep me alive. But for all other things... I don't know what to say. It's just all a blur. A blur that I might just dive past.
Dive into oblivion.
If ever I couldn't... Live. I'd die.