I'm away from my brothers... And it's doing quite a number for me.
And yet now I feel like I'm closer to them? Or someone. Or something. I don't know.
But I will say this. Still fishing for compliments. Being recognized... Is a much appreaciated thing.
I should have written this earlier... To do some justice to significant moments in my life.
I was back at the house, somewhere I haven't been in a long ass time... And it was good to see everyone again. Especially Kevin, Erik, and Vin. Dunno why them. But, still good to see everyone. They always know how to cheer me up, and give me great reason as to why I do what I do each day.
Sucks... Depression sucks. Elation sucks. It's like an eternal tug of war that I'm definitely in the center of.
A wise man once said to me, "It doesn't matter, we trust you."
The thought still lingers in my mind... I wonder if it was/is really that important to me. So I keep telling myself that forcing something that I don't genuinely want, yet, possibly, is wrong. Stray from discomfort, bask in joy. If what they said is true, then the phrase don't worry about it is the answer.
I would say Calvin's 12 but there aren't 12 of us.
If there was ever a movie that wanted me to specialize in agility like the inner Night Elf I am, it would be Ocean's Twelve.
I guess it's all about honor among thieves, eh?
When you are at a function, and a ring of people are ordered to give compliments, you will eventualy run out of unique things to say... At which point, you poetically reply, "The pearls of wisdom have already been shucked from the oysters," or similar.
"It is very much similar to the process of purifying Gold. When gold is first received it is impure and dirty. It needs to be refined. In order to purify gold, in order to make get gold in the most purest of forms to where it shines like a beacon light... you must put it through fire. It is the flames that bun away impurities, any blemishes, any imperfections it has, but when it is all said and done, it shines bright, and is priceless."
Well said, Brother Crash. Well said.
So, I guess that's about it... Not too climactic. Dunno why. It's supposed to be, though, I think...
Finally being able to go back to my room, shower, etc. not so big a deal...
Everything coming to an end... Very quiet. Not so big a deal.
Everything's just not... Anything. And somehow, I put myself here.
Funny, all of this... All of this added up... It's pretty important to me. But, I always stood on record as having something that meant more to me than this... Very awkward. And that's all my mind can focus on. So, after showering, and playing tactics, here's what I have.
There is the system. And fulfilling the system as intended. And then there is you, with your own goals and aspirations. I feel, that even with all that went through, personally, one aspect of the system was never really... Fulfilled. And then there's what I want.
And as I walked back to my room, I said to myself... Part of life is to force a result. Much of what happened to us this weekend. And, conversely, I have my own life to funnel. I want something. And whether some outside system will let me have it or not, I will get my way.
Kind of stubborn, if you read into like that. But also kind of... A gift. That, even if the chips are down, the chips are down, but you are not out. You must force a result to manifest itself from your own heart. Be true to thine own heart.
And so if I was to play the system, I wouldn't be true to myself. But all I have left in me is my heart and no one can take that away from me. No one.
So, to my Sexmachines brothers and friends and teachers, thank you. And to the one whose most fault it is for cultivating me to be the man I am today, thank you.
I forgot what day this actually was, but you know it's a good day when Calvin tries telling you that driving is mad easy (because me and Bobby don't know how to drive) right as he's driving through a red light.
A red light.
Yes, Calvin. Driving is easy. =)
Ooo, thanks to Uncle Mike for reminding me to give an explicit thanks over the web... Still got a couple of minutes left. I can do this... =)
Let's see... Thanks to my... Super Secret group of friends... Always the best guardians and teachers in the world, since the very first day I set foot on NJIT, that blasted campus... I couldn't have asked for more. I've got a great set of brothers, friends, heroes, and resources...
Thanks for 812, my steadfast crew and my home away from home.
Thanks for... Vision. Knowledge. Wisdom. Experience. Patience...
Thanks for the lessons. For teaching me that life isn't easy, but regardless, we choose to fight. Otherwise, there would be no life left to live.
Thanks to the purest fire, who melted away all of life's ills and gave me something to do for two and a half semesters... And when I say fire, I can pin it down to that one person. Thanks, one person. Remember, I'll fight for you.
Thanks for Adam, for such easy words, that make it feel like we always pick up where we leave off, never skipping a beat... That's a best friend to me, if there ever was one.
And thanks to the hero of heroes, for saving my life, coming to my rescue, and not ever giving me an ill feeling about it, other than my own stress and nervousness.
Thanks to friends who seem to exercise the most patience with me, so that we might both grow.
And a special shoutout to seven sex machines who I wouldn't trade the world for. Each of you, mos def a special place in my heart. All the struggles, pain, however moderate and funny, causing trouble, hacking, breaking, ocean listening, painting... The best class, ever, definitely. Two veterans, two asians, two second floor, and two Chrises. And two to the wayside, but always honorable. Sounds like an excellent formula. To the only group of people that I've ever managed to call brother, to date.
And that's ever me. I don't know what else there is left to say thanks for. But I'd say I've been doing a pretty good job of letting people know how I feel about them, more now than before... Hopefully I'll keep it up.
I'm in it for me, ultimately. But who isn't. Yet, in some section of my mind, or rather heart, I'd say I'm in it for you, because your welfare is mine and that's as much empathy as I can muster. =) Haha...
Thanks to those who give me life. I'm trying my best to save the world and give back to you.
We still have one and a half weeks left to prove ourselves... Yes, it really is difficult watching out for seven other selves.
Julius. JC. Calvin. Adam. In that order. Thanks guys, for making the world a little less scary...
I just got a one IM from Julius asking me to pray for him, as he's stuck in Florida during the hurricane. While I do wish for Julius's return for a reason of my own, of course, of course I will pray for you. But this is it. My faith in the faith is a little low, but if I had any, I'd be thinkin' bout you all the time. I thought about it Friday night, actually, as Calvin mentioned you on the phone. But of course I'll pray for you. No doubt.
Have a safe trip home, Julius.
Tonite was the Greek open house. (I mention such obvious things because reading these entries in the future makes these references not so obvious.)
So. I was there. Causing trouble as usual. Being part of the picture. Maybe. Yanking people in.
I dunno. There's a lot of stuff going on in my mind right now, but I feel as if none of it should be said. It should be intuited. Maybe one day, when I really have freedom, I'll let someone know.
Otherwise, it's just good to hear a thank you, however out of place it is. And the stance in my mind is... It's for their sake, not yours.
I like it when I get other people's approval, even when they don't know that they're giving it to me... Even the most minute of things.
But Mark, aren't you blowing this a little bit out of proportion?
Well, even if I am, it makes me feel good inside... This is the good kind of blowing out.
Thanks.
I was disappointed. Maybe because I was an outsider, and usually outsiders don't know the deal. But I can see laziness.
I felt like it was my duty and my place to just... Be critical. Be disappointed and demand a better performance. Again, for the sake of the freshmen, at least. And the survival of The Group.
But I kept making frowny faces all day long, so w t f?
I've been floored. Not physically floored... I don't really feel much. But mentally floored. Like it won't be able to escape my mind, ever ever...
Remember that post I made a while back? About spirit and everything... I make a lot of those posts.
But let's say there's this... Thing. And it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, gets mistaken for a duck... But by the flock, it's not a duck. But, deep down inside, this thing, really wants to be a duck, and is great friends with all the other ducks...
And one day, this easily mistaken things, sees... A thing. A sort of taxonomy. That lists all the ducks there ever was... And its there.
But it's not a duck!
But it's there.
The thing... is confused. But the thing still has spirit, maybe now more than ever, who knows. (Everytime I meant thing, I typed duck, just to show you how crazy this situation really is, even behind the mask of an analogy.)
Being cold and silly is fun and all... But, I must conceed, there's one group of people on this Earth that have taught me to yield and listen.
And I enjoy that.
I enjoy the fact that... No matter what happens... There really is one force on Earth that can stop me. That, I guess, for a while, I called home... That I still wish I could call home. That I'll always believe in. And always have a warm heart for.
Went to Warped Tour 2004. It was fun. Saw Yellowcard. They're the best.
EDIT: So, I was thinking. Still dwelling, but trying to move on. You know, thinking. That thing that I love to do. And I was thinking...
Golden shackles. Even though my motivation is totally shot, I still have my memories... And memories activate. Memories help you remember. And what do I remember? I remember a lot of things! A lot of random things.
How to sing at Westpoint. How to pour water for people at a diner. How to do so many things...
And, no matter how bad I'm feeling, no matter what day of the week it is, or even if I'm on my dying breath, I'll always have memories of a time in my life where I was so alive I didn't know what to do with myself...
Will I ever see days like that? At this rate, who knows. Probably not, a decisive one might say.
But... To imagine for two seconds... One millisecond... One Warped Tour counting song (see ten, nine, eight, seven, six, etc. years)... If I could feel the fire of being alive, for just the shortest mmmbop of time, it'd be so worth it.
And I realize. We all make mistakes. And that's basically what happened. I made a mistake. I made a small yet large sweeping error in calculation. And I've done my fair share of damage and clean up. The rest is out of my hands.
But when I think of fire, and I think of so many organic things it is... Vices, prides, mistakes, and achievements all included... It just makes me think, how brightly can the fire burn? In the face of all this damage and strife, in the face of adversity? It's not a terrible adversity. Sure it's one I've afflicted on myself and others, but an adversity nonetheless. And my favorite history teacher would tell me that character is built upon the anvil of adversity. And I'm willing to say any adversity.
So I'd like to thank Warped Tour, for bringing me back to a place that gave me life. That no matter what happens, today, the next day, or in any other life time, that I have, deep within my heart, the days of days, the most golden of days where my heart bled garnet, I truly lived.
And no one can take that away from me.
No one.
After having talked about it with Julius, I suddenly feel more close and at east about certain things in life... And yet, with this easiness, I also feel tension and fright, that brings me back to that place... That line between two parties. If I focused on the thought a little more and stopped the lingering, I'd feel more scared again. Scared enough to back down, again. Scared enough to run away and be back where I was, a place of awkward safety and longing... One might say the solution to my problem is to quash the stressor and just be off with it. I dunno.
Some might call it cold feet? Is that just it? I hate when stuff happens to me, it feels very dramatic all of a sudden... As if I tried describing the story to somebody else, no one would get it. No one would understand why I feel tension both far and close from where I want to be. And from the inside, I'd bet I'd feel another awkward tension.
As if I was to live all my life feeling awkward, no matter where I am. The question is, where will I be, and who will I be awkward with?
Today, I had some time to burn because I came to Miniversity registration really early... And I wrote the following down on my little pad because I was consumed by it:
It makes my mind race,
and my spirit glow,
at the opportunity
to embrace.
I'm nowhere near where I'd like to be, nor am I on familiar territority yet. But just thinking about the possibilities, the opportunities, and being engulfed by the fire that has consumed me before... It is one of most comforting feelings in the world, no matter how a fire may burn. Don't be scared, I've been told. Don't be scared.
I'm trying. To appreciate the fire fully.
PS - I had no idea it rhymed.
Yesterday, I had a chat with a one Eldred Halsey... To whom I blame my blind courage to speak today.
Me and Julius had a talk... And that, I'll leave, as the first step on a journey of a thousand steps... Then end may not be the one I'd like (hopefully it will be), but the journey traveled will be one of least regret, mentions El. Let's hope so.
In my heart and soul always.
Let's say there's this technical glitch, like, you get a piece of mail addressed to a specific person... But you aren't really that person. But the system says you are. What to do... Run with the system? Or, try not to entertain the idea, as nice as it might be...
Anybody want to apply for a credit card? Members only...
What keeps the world all bright? The fire from within.
It's always been about fire, and it's always gonna be From the Ashes.
Rock on.
So let's say there's this thing... And this thing happens annually. Actually, a lot of things happen annually. And for a while, your philosophy has been, well, this might be my last time this year, so I gotta do it.
So let's say there's this thing. And this thing happens annually. Where all the great fires of the world gather and burn time of the most honored tradition... And... Part of you really wants to go, to honor the sacred fire, but part of you doesn't want to go because of a general uncomfort with the world...
Umm, I guess the only thing holding me back is scrounging up the money? But yeah. I'm thinking, if I have the money and if I have the access, the only thing to do really is just go ahead and do it.
What's the worst that could happen?
Actually, the worst that could happen is something that some might say should have happened... But then again, regret is a not too comforting concept. Oh well. Life... Goes on?
It's painful. At least I think so. And I kinda wanna keep it that way? For the sake of some twisted ritualistic respect. Egh... The things I do... I'm weird. But umm... I gotta pay my respects to those who taught me how to live. How to burn time.
Don't be mad, get glad.
Seriously. Certain things in life aren't worth getting bent outta shape about... In fact, some things are worse lots of praise, attention, and fun.
And so, this weekend, an army of one goes marching along. Quite a unique trip, I'd say. But we all have our trips to go through. Mine's just a little different... Just a little. And if anything, I should be more psyched each day to do what I set out to do... And that's to make good. To save the world. To make proud. And to give back.
Word. Cuz it's mad originable.
when all is said and done.. when the day is over.. when you're lying in your bed just moments before you go to sleep.. what is it you truly accomplished? did you get to put something on a resume? did you beat the game you're playing? did you get the latest pop song? maybe you slept for 15 hours.
do something for someone else. help them out. get rid of the "me", the "my", the "I" mentalities. even if it means just asking how they're doing. seeing if everything's ok. how their family is. how their life is. talk to understand. not to waste time. [r*]
Who's ever heard of concurrent pledge classes? I thought that was a fluke...
Could you imagine? Rushing in the Fall and rushing in the Spring? But each pledge class has to stay around for a year? Isn't that weird! Pledge class senior, pledge class junior...
pouring emotions through my fingertips into songs that only my soul knows the melody to and only the heart can listen to.
Vice President of Chillaxing, Life 101, Inc.