I liken the Chinese work ethic to the following...
Anything in life can be accomplished with good, earnest, hard work. If even that doesn't manage to yield what you want, then MO' HAD WOK!
I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed that I'm not really measuring up as well as I'd like to against my peers. Embarrassed that I haven't been writing as much as I wanted to. Embarrassed that I have an unending mountain of stuff I'd like to do, but never really get to it.
I'm particularly embarrassed that I was brought back to a time... Where... Apparently, in all my wisdom, I put everything out on a piece of paper. Just laid out my heart and mind and made myself completely vulnerable. And then gave that piece of paper away for someone to read.
Honestly, I thought I put it beyond me... But uhh, it's still there, in that person's mind (heart?) I guess. And on my hard drive. I don't even feel like reading it... But I know I should. I should be brave and all that BS/jazz. It's crazy how much I've grown and changed. And how little has changed also.
This adage is true. I can totally vouch for it. The weirdest thing's I've thought of are a direct result of just not keeping busy with normal things.
I've been complaining to everyone that my ability to long-range think has been obscured by desire to go to Japan a la the JET Programme. Well, I just received an e-mail from the Embassy dropping the bomb...
I did not get in.
So, I can already feel my mental pathways changing and accommodating the lack of my going abroad. That's a Good Brain...
Sucks, man. Maybe I should look to this as a lesson and look into learning more Japanese and how to teach English. Anything that will make me more qualified.
No, not really... I mean, it's not really the title of a Made episode. At least I think it's not. If it was, that'd be pretty cool.
Just another lazy Monday, cleaning out notes... And these notes made me remember...
One time, on the Food Network (probably), I was watching a special about chuckwagons. It was mighty interesting, will all the food and the low-tech solutions they had. At that point, I was like, hot damn, I wanna learn how to do low-tech style cooking too. I love that, low-tech cooking. Task under constraint. I lob it!
But whatever. Salted meats, buttered biscuits, mmm...
I'm currently watching the movie Saved! and it's everything that I've feared, bundled in one neat package. Why scared? I'm not sure.
Did I mention that this season, I've had this inkling to go back to church? It all started when I got lost driving around my house. The roads I normally take were closed off so I needed to find an alternate route. And there I found the Catholic church nearest to my house. It was then that this feeling came over me... "Go back to church," it made me think.
And about church and everything Christian, there is this one person I think of...
But with all this Christian fearing (not really God fearing), why would I want to go back to church? I'm not really sure. I guess it's to renew that spiritual side of myself. I'm kinda jealous that one of my friends claims to be all into his spirituality. I also accuse him of being a weirdo and kind of a kook. All I have is logic and the magical dance that all logicians play; we want to be wizards and have command over nature.
Maybe I'll go to church. Maybe. Maybe finishing this movie will change how I feel about things... We'll see.
EDIT: Originally, I wanted to list the things that actually scare me, but only like two more minutes into the movie and already I wanted to gvomit... Gvomit and it's variants are superlatives to vomit.
It's the whole closing of ones eyes and the swaying of hands and the chanting and repeated mention of Jesus and God... It's just creepy. Too creepy! I still want to finish the movie, but seriously, this stuff just gives me the willies. I can't stand watching commericals that sell CDs. Oh and on that note, the whole Christian prefix scares me too. I used to be jealous of my friends that were in "youth groups" because basically it was a circle of friends. Anyway, I have a circle of friends now and we're all officially associated anti-social morons and better for it. But I digress. Christian rock, Christian activities, Christian fellowship groups, Christian this, Chrisitian that... I can't stand it! I mean, I'm a fan of intersection groups and statistics and laws for small or large numbers, but I can't help but think there's fundamentally something wrong with these people... Especially when they mention things like family values and creationism.
To all the creationists out there... Go fuck yourself. The only place religion and creationism have in this world is to fulfill that philosophical and scientific gap at the beginning of the universe. That's all you get.
Ugh... So sad. So scary of all things.
Every time my brother and I watch the Food Network, specifically Iron Chef, we continually wonder... How come bacon was never a secret ingredient? Disappointed? Surely. But here's something my brothers have found to meet that monthly pork fat quota. Presenting... The Bacon of the Month Club! It sounds crazy, I know. I can even feel my heart slowing down in anticipation of the goods. Here's what you get:
Part of my unsatisfaction with my previous job is how I was treated... My manager would praise my ability and potential, but I didn't feel the actual behavior of everyone in the office was reflecting that. Maybe it's an INTJ thing, throwing out the idea of rank based on seniority. I mean, I totally welcome all opportunities to be schooled by other people. I guess I use that as an excuse or safeguard to fight against the idea of systems which are anything but meritocratic... And with that, I believe I had more talent or just a different (better?) perspective than a lot of my co-workers...
But bleh to all that. Like, I wonder if martial arts are meritocratic... They seem to be. I dunno, maybe I've just been watching too much Naruto and Bleach. Watching Naruto really made me appreciate the academic and social structure of a school or an academy. Although I realize there's a load of honorrifics going, I do believe they are all founded in skill. All senseis and all captains can school all of their subordinates. It should really be that way.
I didn't feel like my superiors could school me. I've felt that multiple times, and I think that feeling, in general, is the collapse of any system, at least for the NT type personality.
I want to go on record and say that I love Project Runway. On the whole, I've already given up on reality TV and I think it's a load of crap, but Project Runway definitely isn't crap. I've watched it since its first season, and now, in its second, I really can't wait to see it unfurl. I mean, yeah, it's kinda campy and a little over the top, but as my brother and I justify it to ourselves, it's insight into the design process. Design is design and fashion definitely isn't an exception.
One of my favorite parts of Project Runway is one of the professors from the Parsons School of Design where the show is filmed, Tim Gunn. He definitely sounds like he knows what he's talking about, and it just makes me wish I had a design teacher just like Tim. "Make it work, people!" is what he'd usually say. If you don't watch the show, you're probably like, big deal, make it work. But it's so true though. These designers are under constraint, mostly by time limit, and a handful of them really don't know how to "make it work". Actually, I've always used that type of phrase ("make it fit"), but same sorta principle.
I'm not even enrolled in design classes, though. Maybe that will change if I apply to ITP or Carnegie Mellon. I'm starting to realize, also, that programmers, on the whole, or at least the ones I've hung out in the city with, are really really lame. Like Slashdot lame. People who are on the web are generally more well-rounded and sociable, and not as awkward as programmer types. Sucks. Oh well.
I usually judge things by intuition, because hey, I'm an intuitive judger. But now I've got data and it all sounds like a good idea to me... So today's match, ITP vs Carnegie Mellon. ITP stands for Interactive Telecommunications Program, and by Carnegie Mellon, I specifically mean their HCI program.
I haven't heard of ITP until recently. Perusing through a couple of blogs, it was mentioned as some hot new thing. I've heard, however, it's been around for a while... So I was at the Adaptive Path social in New York, and I met these coders from a company I can't remember the name of... And they were graduates of ITP. I was like, man, that's weird, I didn't think this program was real. And then a friend of mine, Vinnie, has a friend who is currently studying at ITP. And then and then, I just found out that the founder of Dodgeball, Dennis Crowley, is graduate of ITP. So after all these pings, I can't really ignore how interesting ITP is sounding. It definitely looks like a place I should apply to if I ever get serious about graduate school.
And on to Carnegie Mellon... I've always had this self-fueled belief that Carnegie Mellon was the cream of the crop. Since the birth of the term HCI in the arena of undergraduate studies, Carnegie Mellon has always had the most ellaborate and sophisticated three-tier program (three-tier meaning bachelors, masters, and doctoral). I've always gave them a lot of credit, and have seen good things from their graduate students' web pages. One student in particular, Dan Saffer, is now a member of the Adaptive Path team. See how we're cycling back here now? Crazy.
Speaking of cycling back, at the Adaptive Path social in NYC, I met Meg Hourihan and Jason Kottke. I feel kinda bad (and then it went away) that I put up a little ruse and pretended not to know them. I did that more to prevent myself from turning into a little girl. I mean, they are (were?) web celebrities, you know? So from them, I find out that it's all a tightly knit community, and some are galavanting on the front lines and others like forming consulting teams called Adaptive Path. Whatever. Bottom line? They revolve around the free alcohol. I mean, really. Go free alcohol, you know?
So with that... I find myself with loads of free time... Just a change in the seasons if you will. Kinda closing a chapter in my life... I learned a lot. But I still wanna learn more. Maybe applying to ITP and/or Carnegie Mellon is definitely something to consider. I mean, I've been gunning for Carnegie Mellon since high school, but just with my laziness compounded with experience and the way things have actually worked themselves out over the years, I don't really see the need for a graduate degree. I see myself driven by my own innate capability rather than having a degree speak on my behalf. Maybe I'll do both, attend school and still crank it out. But with something like Japan on the horizon, I can totally see what people mean. It kinda puts a damper on your long-term plans. Graduate school, I think, for the most part can wait. Not to say that Japan cannot wait, it's just something that I think is better served when I'm younger.
So that's my plan. Choosing A or B based on the availability of youth.
Just do it.
It's actually a philosophy I've been thinking about recently... In regards how to properly treat work and life and all that stuff... Also, I've been trying to cut down on the whole using-a-blog-as-an-introspective-heatsink kinda deal... But just with the way things have been turning out lately, I can't help but say something.
In short, there are a couple things in life that suck. That's a given. Some things can be remedied by investing time and energy to find out that things don't really suck, but are just misunderstood.
Uh oh, hypocrisy coming up... I was about to say, oh, well, this other thing, isn't one of those times. Honestly, I don't feel like investing any more time or energy into it... There's nothing to "understand" if I'm constantly being cut down. So... That's the end of it. Cutting myself off from things that suck... It's not worth the lack of energy, stress, or emotional damage. Seriously, at this point, I just want to go on record and say it was all your fault. I mean, things were nice before, but now, they're not so nice. Why is that?
Yup. Little (a lot, actually) immature of me to go out and say all this... But, I mean, it's causing me so much stress. I'm already losing my hair (really) and growing up way too fast, so why do I need your constant influence on me? Every day, selling parts of my soul and making me progressively more lame... Sometimes, I'm just like, deep dive, here we go... But I'll try to hold off on that a little longer.
I want my time back. I want my energy back. I want my hair back. At one point in time, I thought we were cool. But apparently, that isn't the case anymore. So peace.
PS - More on the whole "Don't Suck" thing later.
Turns out, there's only three days left to apply to the JET Programme. I don't know how I could have missed that. I was so jazzed about doing it, and I just let it slip by me. But fortunately, there's still time. I'll even take a day off from work if I have to (getting transcripts, etc.).
In my search for random things JET, I found this blog post about one guy's experience in Japan. It was actually quite negative, but the line this line made me laugh out loud: "I'm pretty sure my grandmother at one point threatened the life of my host family and probably made vague references to the yakuza, which were [sic] still not 100% sure about..."
Right now, I'm looking into the online application for JET. Hopefully there's still time to complete it. Maybe make an essay tonight, send it in tomorrow morning.
Pray for me. Domo. =)
I'm watching Daddy Day Care and the character Mr. Kubitz pulls that thing where he talks about his life through dolls and mentions troubles with a woman, living with his parents, and passive-aggressiveness. I don't really know what passive-aggressive means, but according to Wikipedia, I might be it. "Someone who is passive-aggressive will typically not confront others directly about problems..." That's the first part of a longer sentence, and I don't really understand the rest, but it does sound like me. "Often passive-aggressive behavior manifests itself in individuals who view themselves as 'peaceful'. These individuals feel that expressing their anger through passive-aggressive behavior is morally favorable to direct confrontation." Yup, kinda sonds like me also. Man, this feels like that time I looked up inferiority complex.
For the uninitiated, the word gosu supposedly means "pro" in Korean. It's mainly used to Battle.net to denote players of significant skill.
I have a confession to make. The phrase "spot genius early and foster it" drove me to write this.
I value being young and proficient.
I originally used the word talent in place of proficient, but that isn't it. I think there's a lot to be said about people who are young and good at something. Because what other options are there? Being old and increasingly bad at something? Age is known for its effects on people's skills. They begin to forget. Or their reflexes aren't as sharp. All they have is wisdom, but I don't put too much investment into wisdom in arenas other than the human condition. I'm such a difficult human to deal with, but my wise friends and teachers put me in place, but nothing else.
That's all a digression from the real issue at hand. So what else is there? Being young and stupid? Unacceptable. Kids who aren't good at anything (and there's plenty of them) annoy the shit out of me. That's why I don't like children in general. But, there are a few well-spoken individuals who I would love to spend time with. There's also being old and good at something, but it's a matter of opportunity and accessibility. Opportunity, in general, goes down as one gets older. It's just not as fun as a fogey.
Being young and gosu signifies the opposite of being denied opportunity. All doors are open for young people. Me, I'm only 21. I've already graduated from college. But I think I'm a fogey now... I feel like there's not a lot left for me to do. Hanging out with adults has been a real drag lately. They're, on the whole, extremely lame. They don't dream as much as children do. And they're tied down by life's complexities. Which is why I'd like to make it a point to always remain cool, or try to at least, and simplify life as time goes on. As one friend said to me, each person is a burden. Or some sort of commitment. Or a time-eater. Choose your friends carefully, because you don't want your time eaten away, or spent poorly.
Sometimes I think how awesome it would be to be a teacher. In light of teachers or professionals that just suck at what they do, I certainly think I could do a better job. Although, come to think of it, I do remember how much I hate managing on the whole, which is why I love second seat. I just crit (criticize) when the big cheese messes up. Haha.
Anyway, yeah. Being young and gosu means a lot to me... I guess since I'm not young anymore, it only meant so much to me. More than once, older crowds have told me that I've acted well beyond my years, my age. I'm sure my parents would disagree, citing how immature I act at home. Touche, but I'd rather not talk about my home life...
I graduated from college early. In a blaze of glory. If you look at my transcript, there's a ton of failures on it. Yes, there is a method to prevent things like that from showing up, and it's called withdrawl. But I'm a proud individual and I was too proud to withdraw. That's my guess.
I analogate (?) my college career as to a man with a shot gun. I got through school as fast as possible, causing a lot of collateral damage along the way. But, in the school of Max OK (maximum overkill), what's done is done. In Final Fantasy Tactics, as I say to a team with no revival techniques, a kill is a kill.
I don't like talking about myself or tooting my own horn (only twice on weekends), but yeah, I guess people have pointed out how young I am and how I completed college so fast. Actually, I wanted to rub it in the fast of all of my high school classmates, but I don't keep up with anyone, so it's hard to gloat when there's no one to gloat to.
I'm 21 now. I can drink. I guess you could classify me as an adult. But, each day as an adult just provides dissatisfaction with life. You real world peeps really know how to bring a guy down... I've made silly promises like trying to keep my vocabulary as juvenile as possible. By the way, on promises, I try to not make any. I don't like promises because I'm adept at breaking them. So I'll never promise anyone anything.
I believe talent and youth should be treasured as much as possible. I believe the population in general could be challenged more. Find out what you really know, because knowledge is power and accessibility.
I dream of starting a school for young people. Well, I guess the concept of schools in general caters to young people. A school for Gundam soldiers, assassins, and Renaissance artists. Is there really a male equivalent of Charlie's Angels?
So, that's my confession. Talent already does it for me. But young people with skill, you had me at hello.
I got a really short haircut. I look stupid.
So shameful...
No. Really.
Rich and I discovered that my mood is partially based on how awesome my hair looks. One time, I was like... semi-depressed for days/weeks. Haircut? Whammo. All was awesome.
So, things aren't gonna be awesome for a while... Sucks.
Feh... So many random thoughts to outline... I'm just gonna sprawl some out here...
First shot. Of tequilla. So good. I totally wonder why I didn't do shots before... I almost regret it. It was like Robitusin. The lime was like magic. All for my boss, Brian. Best boss ever.
Still being treated like shit... Dunno if shit begets more hate... So more misery, all around. Happiness is an illusion, etc.
Totally got busted at work. Web surfing, blogging, coming in late, not being awesome enough... So, time to straighten up for the next couple months. I'll show 'em. Although... I do have this bad feeling... Let's see how bad it gets. =( (Ruby on Rails will keep me company).
Hmm, what else.... Trying to consider the bricks as a serious home. At least temporarily. And oh expenses...
$800 minimum service charge. It's worth it... Sorta.
Ugh, life. So many difficulties.
And uhh so I thought about something. Time to clean up my act and not brood in public anymore. So this last message goes out to all my homies.
If you ever see me happy, I'm not really happy. It's just an extroverted ruse to get on your good side, as I've been trained in the ways of the Jedi.
Cheers to fakeness all over, and true misery in the deepest regions of my heart.
Rock.
PS - If I ever have my own company, I'll be sure to not treat the new guys like crap. What if they have something to say? Maybe it should be a meritocracy. Ass.
That's all I do. Judge people. And criticize. I sometimes even go out of my way to tell people how good I am at it. Hmm... I think. The problem here, as with a whole lot of things recently, is the whole unfortunate but true... You have to love yourself before you love others. And I make no secret of not loving myself. I mean, I am an INTJ, and I know I, or at least my ideas, are the shit. But still. I know that I'm not perfect. I have yards, yards, and miles away from being an assassin. One day, I will be. And you know, I'm kinda proud of myself for taking the right baby steps. But in all honesty, I'm not proud of myself. I don't take well to compliments. And yeah, I'm highly suspicious of people and their ulterior motives. All liars and cheats if you ask me.
So, I'm getting complacent today... And it sounds like a good day. But all it takes is a little personal reminder... Yeah. For all the technical literature I read and all the do-gooding I try to do, the world will never be as cool as I think it is. Let the dark clouds come on by so I can play, romp, and brood. Cuz I'm cool like that.
Sometimes my emotions get so fired up, when i wake up, i can't tell if the event was real or not. So let's say we get into a heated argument, in a dream.
When i wake up, i'll have to rationalize why i'm mad at you.
I can't help but shake the feeling that unqualified people are making all the decisions...
"Why, Mark, are you qualified?"
Yes... No. Hahaha. Well, my guess is... I'd do a better job than you. Besides, I have my good old "I'm always right" argument to back me up. So again, no slight to me. I'm just saying.
So... I did it again. Only after the fact. And it was... Totally useless.
I guess I got my wish. Something to dwell upon. =/
This is the second time someone's gone up to me on the bus and said, "Sir, you snore very loudly..."
Thanks.
That's funny. Ask me a couple weeks ago and I'm pretty sure I'd be down.
But now... It all seems so... Unfulfilling...
Dammit. I've been hit. Hard.
When I touched down at the park and ride, I realized how it wasn't really sunny anymore. Funny, I got home early enough. But nope... Those endless summer days are gone, and the world is coming to a close, at least for this season and cycle. As I drove home, the headlights on the cars passing by seemed to be a little whiter and a little more brilliant... I was looking forward to the darkness to come, maybe revel in it a little. Maybe I could be that little laser light INTJ piercing through the darkness... Perfect brooding grounds.
And on inferiority... I spilled again. So in response, I was accused of having an inferiority complex. I barely know what it is, let alone how to deal with it, but from what I've read so far, it pretty much summarizes how I've felt about people since as far back as I can remember.
I'm just saying.
EDIT: Replace "natives" with "cool kids" in this Wikipedia article and that's pretty much my life. It could explain my extreme affinity for imitating things and liking to hang out with the cool kids.
I will admit. There are certain things in life that give me pause. Even make me happy. A little bit. But those things take years and years to build up, only for fleeting inspirational moments. After that? What's left.
Well, I'm here to say that none of that really matters. Never being happy is truly the only way out... It's far easier to expect nothing of the world than to tolerate lies and falsehoods that build up your hope. In the end, you're just brought down. And the only person that can take care of you is yourself.
I refuse to trust anyone or let anyone know what's really on my mind. They don't care. And they can't help. They're just.... Entertaining me. And I won't stand for it. Now or ever.
But I will note... That for all of this melodrama... I do feel petty. I do feel angsty. And I doubt this is on par with world problems like poverty or disease. I'm sorry. I don't have any of that. All I have is my biweekly salary and something to complain about. Apparently that's not enough for me.
All this... Sparked over two seconds of nothing. Two seconds worth of useless time, enough to remind me of all the things I hate in life. And how nothing in the world, no matter how comforting, could possibly amount to the aversion and hate for things I have otherwise.
Moping and brooding is what I do.
If I was ever given the chance, you would never hear from me ever again. Ever. And this is me almost not feeling bad about it at all. Because if I leave everyone to the wayside, then I can see who really cares about me. Even then... Lies.
No slight to me. I've got it.
I was thinking... There's this one thing that drives life, technology, jobs, etc... And that's war. Actually, this thought stemmed from... You need pressure to really get the essence of how people are. Pressure. Stress. Limits. Critical conditions. War is one of them. The other is...
Sex. A basic human desire. I know it drives me to a handful extremes... So should it other people.
Sex and war. I think... If you thought of everything in a higher, pressurized context of sex and war, maybe the world would be a place.
Even user interfaces need war to have that extra kick in the ass. Must be easy to use with one arm bleeding and my hand chopped off. Weird things like that. I would almost guarantee that it would be easy to use healthy and otherwise.
Computers that need to boot faster. Or just do anything faster. I know you've been there, waiting for your data... Just think about war. How much you need technology to be there for you, ready and able. Can't be ready while looking at an hour glass... War.
Of course you could apply this to sex. You really really really need to get some and you'd really really really like those high res pics... Well, it's not a matter of necessity like war, but pornography (qua sex) has always been a driving factor in technology and society. See betamax or the rise of homosexuality (those crazy homosexuals)...
Sex and war. I'm pretty sure I covered everything.
No?
Then die. In war. Or... Go have sex. =)
Today will be a day, full of hate.
By the way, here's a sample of my need creedo o creeds.
As I grow up, I want part of my vocabulary to remain juvenile. I want the vast majority of my life assessments deliniated by words like "awesome" and "cool", all the while avoiding things that "suck" or are "lame".
Be cool. Don't suck.
Some girls were looking at me on the subway... I mean, I'll go ahead admit that I thought they were looking at me in a positive light, but it turns out they were just making fun of me. I have no idea why though... Maybe because I'm in boards and flops? I feel so undressed at work. Like it's not hot enough to merit what I'm wearing. But on another day, it'd be perfectly find.
Stupid girls.
What is the intersection of barbershopping and a fraternity? Maybe I can find out soon.
With all of the sun and the skin outside, and the impending deadline, I feel... Inspired. Like I want to challenge myself and prove that I really can do it. And be better off for it.
So, may the challenge begin. Here's to not doing what I don't want to do, and to a better vehicle for the mind.
Let's start with the water, home sweet home.
Maybe I haven't been reading enough Dale Carnegie. But something tells me this is the part where I start to feel bad about us, about what happened.
But I know there's still one more way out. It's the same part of me that knows that happiness... Is all a ruse. Happy relationships are just stories that haven't finished yet.
I got that one from Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Mmm, taking cynical cues from a movie.
But uh... It's true, I guess. The only solace... The only real way to be happy... To avoid disappointment... And to properly believe in life... Is to not believe in anything. Because if you do, it will just come back to haunt and harass you. And let you down.
So here's to us. And all the bad things that happened. And my poor memory. I won't be taking any more steps forward... Because I'm lazy, hurt, and upset. So why take the pain when you can fly away.
Fly away to a land of fleeting dreams, impossible bars, mentral constructs, delusions, and no happiness at all. Just... Championing. That should be joy enough for anybody. Real joy is an illusion.
If I actually rewound three years of my life, where would I be? Lifeless, a properly functioning version of me would say. Better, I currently believe.
And part of me should be hurt. But that part of me isn't around right now.
Maybe one day we'll find our way back. And we'll be happy. But today's not that day. And here's to being better off for it.
Life ain't perfect... But it will be.
soy (2:11:36 AM): i'm not good at fulfilling promises
soy (2:11:41 AM): so i've resolved not to make any
So... One of my plans for world domination... Completely fell through. Goddamnit. Now I have to find another healthy outlet before I explode... Dammit to hell.
...
Dammit.
True or false. Real friends aren't afraid to tell one another about how stupid they look/are.
Side note: would then be a good time to discuss issues with stupidity/superficiality?
Had a fever on Thursday. I wanted to pass out at work.
I think I still have the fever now. I feel like I want to die... Now's a great time to be having delusions and losing my priorities...
Remember when I made that promise back in ... March? Well, it's already June. Progress? Almost none.
I feel like I'm going to die...
Maybe I was mumbling... Here's what just transpired.
Next customer. What would you like?Grande soy mocha.
[The dude spends like a minute punching in receipts which have nothing to do with my order and my Starbucks experience. Thanks for wasting my time, ass.]
Grande soy latte.
Mo-cha.
[Punch, punch, punch...]
Iced grande soy mocha.
What?
Iced grande soy mocha.
What? No.
What's the drink, sir?
Grande soy mocha.
Notice how the conversation starts and ends with "Grande soy mocha" and a condescending look of disdain that only an INTJ can deliver chilled. Thanks, asshole. Thanks for causing me all this undo stress and being a complete idiot. [Insert unnecessary comment affirming why you work at Starbucks.]
Today, while doing nothing, I had a thought... Maybe we can't be friends anymore.
Why. Why would I say such a thing.
You changed. That's about it... And I don't like change. =) Umm... So yeah, I was wondering, can people really stop being friends just because of change? Immediately I thought of mass murder, because I'm sure that's rubicon enough for the common man. And we, as great as we are, I'm pretty sure we're of the comman man.
So you. You changed. A whole great deal in my opinion. I used to look up to you even. And now...? I dunno. Not so much maybe, to tell you the truth. And the truth is what it's all about. No need to run through any delusions... Unless you want happiness. Because happiness... Is about delusions.
Anyway... With all this change, I guess I've changed too. Maybe I should put blame squarely on your end. But I just gotta say... We're different. The world is different. And I miss us. We're definitely not the same.
So, should I keep working at it and cope with the change? Probably. But those golden days are over. They definitely are. But who's to say that they can't come back? Optimistic words like that is what we used to share. Now, we barely share anything. I feel aliented, actually. Aliented all the time. But then again, don't I get that feeling from everybody?
Maybe I'm just an attention whore, like my dog. I feel all silly and stupid when people don't pay any mind to me... =(
Uhh... But yeah. At the very least, I thought about it. And thinking... Is a whole great deal. To me.
Sometimes, I like to dream that... My teammates and I... All of us... Or at least the elite lot of us... Have extraordinary powers. Super duper special abilities. That would make anyone... Like... Do stuff.
Umm.
Squirm.
Just because the situation reduces the person to the one or two feelings that might just be the most important in the world... I mean, if we were ever given the chance.
And therein lies the problem. The chance. Society doesn't give us a chance. Maybe if we all moved to Prague or somewhere more... Progressive? All of this would be a non-issue.
And indeed, we would be the Mighty, Mighty Boss Tones.
So. If you ever catch me in a fit of insanity and you feel like throwing up a chance, just ask. The insanity might take hold. Lucky you.
Uhh... I'm in one of those sane, quasi-happy moods... And you know, now, I'm able to remember things that are fun, and clean, and ideal, and perfect... Things like water. Stuff like that.
And... For as long as I'm able to think this way... I try telling myself that I'm so powerful that I could go without it. You know, just... Keep away. From the addiction.
But uh... Talk like that... Would evolve into... Me being dunked into a tank of ice just like in Latter Days.
Sccccchhhhh.... Freezing.
Is it sad that... For however many happy thoughts there are... That I have a vivid picture of what it is to be sad? To be angry? To... hate?
Eh, maybe hate is a strong word. But being an INTJ, I guess I just can't deal. People will be people, and people on the whole are stupid. And boy do I hates me some stupid people.
Vividly sad. Vivid. And I'm reminded every day of it.
Why can't I be reminded every day of what makes life great?
Champions have a philosophy...
"Just because it happens doesn't mean it's okay."
Alternatively... Champtions are "continuously/forever unsatisfied".
Never again, for the fourteenth time. =)
A wise Jedi-type person once said.... "Blah blah blah. The choice between what is right and what is easy." Yeah man, evil is hella easy.
And dammit I hate hate hate with a passion noobs and liars. People who can't face reality or truth.
Why didn't anyone tell me being perfect and/or being a champion was hard?
Lead by example, right? Because how can you take someone seriously if they adamantly oppose their own practices.
I think the golden rule, "Treat others the way you would like to be treated," is total BS. I mean, I know for a fact that I like to be treated differently than most people. You can't handle this jelly the way I handle it... I mean, some people are more thin-skinned or more fragile. Or way too emotional. But I could care less.
So, the new rule should be... "Treat others the way they would like to be treated." Easy.
Is it possible that music and a sunny day can undo all those bad things I said?
My life wouldn't be complete with a day to remind me of how terrible everything really is.
Just a reminder with what I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life...
Don't say I didn't warn you. You had it coming a mile away.
Late hours are my sollace.
There is a dying rat only a couple feet away from me... And I have web pages to produce. Eww....
No one really listens to me... I think. It's like... the only person who ever really cared to listen to what I have to say is myself.
I don't think I'll ever find a person in the world who wants to listen.
Some say they do. Some actually do do it. But... I'm still lacking something... Feels like... No matter what I do, nothing's getting across. It's just an unending battle... For attention. For recognition. For a little pat on the back maybe?
It hurts to not be heard...
Before I write any further... I just want to clarify by saying... No, I'm not crying because I'm dying of radiation poisoning or that I'm living minute to minute in a third world country... I can't say that. I'm an American. I've already got a couple bonuses that other individuals don't have. However, I don't believe we can constantly be saying these things to discount how people feel. I'm a firm believer that dis...
Wait. Watching a very emotional episode of Zatch Bell (haha) isn't helping. Composure...
Anyway, I'm a firm believer that discounting people's feelings is wrong. I think... Education. And knowledge. And perspective purely from the person's own eyes is the only right way to deal with someone. So yeah... No third world distress here. Just little old me, spoiled New Jersey brat. And to continue...
I can remember three times where I cried in the recent past. One was when someone told me no, another was when something didn't go my way, and one was when someone said yes. But all very much related issues, to those who know me in that context.
Today, I thought I could cry it out of my system... But I don't think it will ever leave me. Just like those past three times I cried. I can't remember not thinking about them or what they were about. This issue won't leave me until it's over...
In the heat of my most vulnerable moment... I was thinking... Wow, I thought this was over. I talked it over, was even given a great solution... But I guess I just kept reminding myself of how much it hurts. Why even go through this. It was painful.
And at the point, my mind settled on two things. One, pain. The other, pride. All of this was caused by pride, I'm pretty sure... And I wondered, what is the purpose of pride in this world? I was thinking maybe even... People aren't that good unless they have a certain amount of pride. You know, drive, belief, something to stand by? Could you imagine someone with no pride at all? Maybe I'm just stretching pride to be the most golden word possible.
I'm pretty sure I'm a proud person. Too proud, some might say. Proud like being a jerk. Like being stubborn. Like refusing to accept blame. But this whole refusing to accept blame... It's a psychological thing. For everybody, at some level. It's how we function and prevent cognitive disonance. So... I'm never wrong.
Okay, at this point, if you're thinking, Mark, you're a jerk because you believe you're never wrong. Listen, if deep down in your heart, you really think that way, then I can't help you. But if not...
So whatever about that pride leaves me... On to pain. I don't think anyone should have to go through pain. And I don't mean physical, triumph over adversity kinda pain, but just pure emotionally wrecking pain... No one should have to suffer, ever. Maybe some people will insist that the lows make the highs... But I'm unsatisfied. Like a great leader would be. Unsatisifed with the current state of the world that people have to suffer. Over anything. Right now, I'm suffering over my own issues...
I guess I'm in a calmer state now... But 15 minutes ago, or in any state of mind that I can remind myself of exactly how I felt, the pain isn't worth it, I don't think... I would give up my dreams of everything, singing, designing, just drop it all... For the ability to not feel pain. No pain. For ever and ever... Then I was thinking of all those weird sci-fi fantasy movies where the people decide to be painless and then end up being lifeless zombies forever... But is that pain? Like Pirates of the Caribbean? To be thirsty forever... Maybe they got jipped.
Anyway. It was painful. All too painful... Maybe all of this is just part of my personality type... Where I'm emotionally hypersensitive. I usually like ot think of myself as thick-skinned. But maybe I dish it out more than I can take it. But who takes time out to get me this way? I dunno, but when it happens, I think I'm down and out, for pretty much a long time... It's cutting me deep, and eating me alive, and I can't help it. That's just the way I am.
I don't want to experience pain. I want out...
I guess one of the most upsetting parts about all this is that it's coming from people that I thought I could believe in the most... But as Bobby pointed out... People are only angry for as much as they care (it was in much more broken English). I believe in that too. If people truly are heated up and angry... It's because in some twisted sense, they care.
I know I do. I would never get angry at someone unless I cared about their welfare. To be honest though, to me, it's never about someone's actual welfare. Haha. It's more about their performance. But that's important to me, haha.
Umm... But yeah. I'm in a jolly mood now. All sarcastic and wrighty... But I guess I'll just go back to reminding myself... Life's not all roses. Life is pretty bleak, actually. It's a miserable existance, filled with choices and sad things... That stress you out. People that make you upset. Things that make you cry. There's just no end to it. And I don't think I've ever seen a day where I could admit that the good outweighs the bad...
Even moments in singing and designing and maybe admitting to myself that I'm genuinely happy... It just all goes away too fast. I feel like a scale that's gradually tipping to one side. One day, there won't be anything left of me.
I'll just... vanish.
And it won't hurt.
PS - I wanted to mention this, but I forgot to fold it in... I won't even try. That stream was good enough. "The sun will always rise." or something to that effect. Used to describe the constant state of the world versus someone's extreme volatility, usually in emotional dispair or confusion. I still don't like that! It's something that people say to make people with feelings feel less of themselves. I mean... If I truly knew that the world continues on without me, then good for me. Or good for you, for that matter. But I don't. And I feel a certain way. Throughout my existence, it causes me to feel a certain way. Now there you are, with your quippy little solve it all saying, to remedy my existence? I don't think so. I think... I think life is a very serious thing. Everything should be taken serious. Everything should have passion and drive and energy and insanity. None of this lax bullshit... Being lax won't give you anything other than inner peace. And life isn't about inner peace. It's about better. It's about progression. It's about the future. It's about solving one's unsatisfaction...
So if the sun really does rise each day... It can do that without me.
The lasting optimistic side of myself has enough courage to admit that I don't like being depressed. It makes me think of depressing things like...
A deep dive is both a threat and a solution.
How... convenient...
Seriously. I'm gonna get all bent out of shape and cry about it until the day comes... But in some objective light, it just tells me that I care.
It's up to you and I to see how that care will manifest itself, most probably in the worst of ways.
So umm... I think I might get left out of something... In a very official kinda way.
Maybe I did it to myself. Maybe...
But umm... I dunno. I'd be hurt. I'd be really, really hurt. If I couldn't.
If the depression just rang with the right wavelength... I dunno. It's one of the three things in this world that I care about most. But apparently some actions aren't just good enough for some people.
Should I really live to prove that to people? Or is just talking the talk good enough?
I'm happy. In a sort of content with the present being of life kinda way... What is there left to change? I can't change the past.
Yes, I've dissed a lot of people. And have broken a lot of promises. And yes, told a handful of lies along the way... But umm... Can't do much about it. All I see is the future, as painful as it might be. I would hope, that at least we would see it through, together.
Don't leave me. Please.
To be honest... One of the things that upset me most about possibly never being able to come back is to never have an Uncle Mike... Haha. Really.
Now, I have just about a year to conquer my next fear; never being a member of the Hyannis Sound. I'd guess I could start my training with barbershop and see how things pan out. A year. To train. It's like trying out for the olympics. For me at least. Extremely important. Let's see how I shape up in this next year.
So... Like... after all that work... I've still come up with nothing.
Well, not nothing nothing. No, not nothing. But, in some sense, when I ask certain questions, or just want to ask questions... I've got nuthin...
Where are you?
...
I wish I had a friend that was psychic. Or at least someone to ask me how I was doing...
...
I was thinking today. I'd much rather put myself through the gauntlet rather than suffer... Being through the gauntlet, no one can say you didn't earn it. Or didn't try, even. For the longest... I haven't tried. But now I am. Anyway...
We do the things we do for cost/benefit. Clearly... Something's not being addressed. And I'm unsatisfied. But my calculations tell me I don't have room to be otherwise. So... I have to think of something. Because it's still not all working out.
If I don't think of something, it will just keep getting worse. The illusions will keep baiting me in... Eventually, I'll learn to fully accept being hateful... And that's just... I dunno. Unproductive in and of itself. But I'm not being given much choice. It's all stupid really.
Everything is stupid.
I dunno. I'm just worried. Maybe there's a part of me... That... Doesn't wanna turn out that way. You know? Maybe I'm worried about myself. And the direction I'm taking. And... Also... I really don't care what anybody says about this but I'm pretty damn good at my intuitions. And who knows me better than me, right?
Anyway. And also. I hate it when people try invalidate your feelings... Like, no, you're not allowed to feel that way. Or... It's illogical. Dude, this isn't a debate. I'm just talking. Jeez, if you didn't want to listen, say something... Hate that. Hate that with a passion. Because I know I'm right. And it's not even about being right. It already happened. So why are you trying to add stress to my life by telling me something that I was victim to is... Nothing. You're telling me that I'm nothing? Nice. Real nice.
See, it's things like that... I dunno. I wish... I wish life was better. Because it's not right now. I'm doing the best I can by myself. And maybe this whole by myself thing will start to change. I dunno. If it was to change, this person better damn well have the secret to life. Because I ain't nobody's fool! Haha, I'm kidding. I'm a total sucker. I'm a jerk, too.
*sigh* So back to the gauntlet... Maybe if I burn myself out, there won't be any room left to feel... I won't feel happy, and I won't feel sad either. And... To avoid that emptiness... I almost think it's worth it. I don't believe in this whole thinking positive thing... It's crap. It's feeling. Thinking negatively though... Now that's productive.
On the aside, I'll give you a great example of how thinking negatively, positively, can help. Case study? Successful FOBs. That's right. FOBs are actually good for something. Actually, only the cream of the crop. Successful FOBs know what it's like to be poor, down on their luck, and have nothing to lose. That's why some end up being insanely successful. They don't want to be poor anymore. It's called my... Anti-thesis theory. I can't remember what it is in psychology (negative reinforcement?) but it's just focusing on the negative... And avoiding it.
So that's what I do. Daily. Think negatively. Helps loads.
Also, on the topic of having nothing to lose... So... I believe that constraint builds character. Among many people, I believe in builds fraternity (the concept, not the noun). Anyway... I believe that poor people (read: people that have been through hardships) are in a better position, regarding their morality and ethics and belief and drive, than well-to-do kids. And... I think I gotta say... For all the complaining I do, I'd say I'm pretty well-to-do. And I'm not trying to flaunt my riches. But look, I'm fat, I'm full, and I'm typing on my blog. That means I'm indulgent, I have food, I'm educated, and I have certain luxuries and access to the Internet. Much more than other kids have...
Anyway. I was thinking of... Simulating hardship. You know, like earning your keep... Thinking like a poor-to-do kid, but keeping all your amenities. Some say ludicrous. I say... Completely plausible.
And by the way... All the complaining I do for how well off I am... I don't think it's unjustified. I don't think anyone's feelings are unjustified (you know I hate that). It's like... We all have to complain about something. It's just in our nature. Just scale it up (or down) a bit if you don't understand.
Some people complain about not having their next meal. Some people complain about their dad not buying them a $40,000 car. Stuff like that. Just... Scale it up some. Scratch some worries, add summore.
Whatever. I'm just going to drown myself in work... I get paid hourly anyway. Each hour is one step closer to freedom... Each minute is one step closer to freedom in general.
Also, I thought... Time's running out. Each minute is also one less minute to spend as a happy man. Meaning... I'm not happy right now.
So much stuff to do out there in the world...
Kinda makes me think what I'd do if I had kids... By the way, I know exactly what I'd do.
Because I'm an INTJ. And that's what INTJ's do. =)
*sigh* Anyway... All this temporary feel-goodiness that I'm giving myself right now by releasing... It's all fleeting. I have to keep training myself. All this goodness? It's fake. It won't help anybody, especially me. Gotta keep my mind straight. It's all crumbling down. Each day, just a knife spinning in my gut...
There's no such thing as happiness.
And I'm doing my best to survive and crawl out of the hole.
Yes, I'm blogging at work... But for good reason.
My latest assignment? Make this look like that (good so far) without using CSS. OMG!! It's like the middle of the browser wars all over again! Fake inline styles using font! Tables for borders, rules, spacer gifs, EVERYWHERE!!!
Ugh... It's like calling on every amount of strength I have to remember what it is like to pixel push and simulate style...
That's talent. =) *ching*
Oh no... The thought is digging into my brain... I can't get it out!
It's all I think about!
Somethings... Taking me over... I'm being lured by evil spirits to... Engage... In... Dream-like activites...
Power... Too great... Cannot resist...
Must... Sing...
--
I can't handle the feeling. I think... I would do nearly anything to... Be... A member of the Hyannis Sound. The thought of it just... Washes over me. Like... A disease or something. Gegh... I think music, specifically a cappella music, is one of the only things that makes this mortal coil worth the trouble, hahaha... Anyway.
So, what is greater... My addiction for a cappella music? Or the desire to design something great? Meh.
It's getting lighter outside... =) The summer/spring sun will soon wash over the land... The depression will melt away... And I'll be driving 80 on the Parkway.
Is it all true? The happiness? Really? Or is it just another trick...?
Did hard work pay off? Hmm...
Still trying to keep a suspicious eye... For everyone and everything.
I came back from the Cuban restaurant referred to me by this guy. And lemme tell ya, I'm mighty upset.
When I got there, I got the worst seat in this house. I mean, this tiny place is jam packed and they only have like two active waitresses available. So scale it up in your head. This... Worst seat in the house. It was a little before the bathroom, so it was a high traffic area, and it was on the left wall where the right wall was already packed with seats and tables in an already crowded hallway! Terrible.
I didn't like the food. I mean, I tried the roast pork... The texture was good, very soft. But it was like... Sour? Who knew? The beans and rice, eh... And who puts vegetables and lime in rice? Seriously.
Anyway, I keep comparing these places to the one in Bergenfield. The one in Bergenfield is the best there is! Maybe next time I'll try that Cuban restaurant I originally planned on going to, on Christopher Street...
As for you Cuban cafe, you are teh suck.
So... It's a bajillion o'clock in the morning and here I am, reading an IA list like I always promised myself to do. Honestly, I want to go back to sleep... Anyway, here's a quote from a comment on this page:
"As a consultant that just turned in-house I couldn't agree more. The experience of being an innie really ads up to your skill set and..."
An innie. I laughed, a lot. On the inside, mostly. So... If we, the interaction design or whatever you want to call us this week, community were to work in-house, we'd be innies? And... If I was to work solo or freelance, I'd be... An outie? Haha. Nice.
I don't feel equal with anyone... I feel like... I do things... I'm pretty sure no one knows about. And who do I tell? No one.
It constantly feels like I'm lying to everyone... That I'm living this secret MIB-type lifestyle... And maybe I am.
Hey, guess what guys! I'm a super hero!
Ahh, see? You didn't know I have super powers!
Bah, I wish. My life is so dull though, "secrets" and all. Hey, here's a secret. I'm ADDICTED to a cappella and JELLY BELL JELLY BEANS!!!
A:LSDJ A:@U Q)@U{)(U SUGAR RUSH!!!!!
(I... Sugar rush and caffeine dive because... I work in the city. And... I lack sleep. Constantly. Working 9:00 to 7:00 each day... Four hour round-trip commute... It's... iPod shufflicious)
So here's to maybe unveiling my secrecy to that one special person, whoever you might be. Cheers.
So there I am, waiting for an elevator at my work lobby... In comes some schmoe and he proceeds to rapidly press the button. HELLO? You think I'm standing here for no reason? Seriously. People have some sort of problem... Don't you think I woulda pushed the button already? Damn it. People like you... Raise my blood pressure. And I don't need it raised anymore! I'm on Orange Alert you nut ball! I work in the city Gad Nambit!
I saw a guy wearing a scarf in the city. It was really thick, like sideways, with white and a very full blue stripes on it, just like four huge bars making up the whole scarf. And it had a gold, very English-looking crest on it.
Actually, since these thoughts are coming off my recorder, might as well put them all here. They're all short and useless.
I saw a dog in the city walking himself, biting his own leash. Dogs in the city are much cooler, and collected than oh say... Kayah. Beeatch. He was sleeping in the sidewalk near Starbucks. He even almost followed me inside. You know, when I was getting my LATTE.
So I rinsed out my Starbucks cup and filled it with water... Instant caffeinated water.
Currently at work with no headphones... But for you, Sigma, it was worth it.
It was all worth it.
Committing an act of treason and again realizing that flowing water is my only sollace...
So I just finished watching House and it was a battle of the Thinkers versus the Feelers. That girl is so gushy but Chase, the English guy, was being extra English and extra sarcastic. Biting, almost. Thinker, definitely.
So House and Girl were having at it and giving their Thinker vs. Feeling arguments. House, extremely logical. But then what the girl said floored me. He said that you can't always take everyone into account and make them feel better... She replied people don't just go away when you feel like it.
Oh diss of univeral elements in a set!! I guess it's true. But, as a Thinker, I don't care. =) As one very careless INTJ once said on a mailing list, "You're dead to me." (How immature does that sound?)
And going over my e-mail logs... You know, just renewing the guilt of past mistakes or rather choices and outcomes... Yeah, I prefer the comfort of the abyss. No one to yell at you for the cost of no pat on the back other than that coming from old Number One.
Star Trek quoth. Always look out for Number One.
While describing to Chris how I operate, this is what we came up with:
[problems]
he: inform them. good communicatin is for the better
i: "excuse me, SIR, you need to HALT with the FRONTING" i prefer pouting and subversion... until it blows over or blows up, haha
It's true though. I was thinking... I don't like confrontation. And I don't mean like... Talking to people. I mean, CONFRONTATION, na'am sayin'? So yes. Let's be honest, if I'm unsatisfied with you, I probably won't tell you. Why? Why ask why? Because.
Because if I told you how I felt, then you wouldn't understand. That's number one. Then two, I'd be stressed because there's shit out on the table, and now you have this weird eye out for me and it makes me uncomfortable. It makes you uncomfortable, does it not? So for the lesser of two evils and much less confrontational issues, why don't we settle for my pouting... Until it gets to the point where I have to smash you in the face for being annoying.
Seriously. It's not that big of a deal. If you're still around, then there's a reason why it all works out. I don't think my personal opinion is worth all that much in the super cog machine of life.
What? A person's opinion doesn't matter?
Of course it doesn't! Why? Because my opinion does matter! It's golden! I am supreme ruler and you are a mere mortal. But, since are bound by the rules of this... Lesser coil, then hey, I have to keep quiet. Because you don't want to hear it from me, right or wrong, regardless of how brilliant I think my ideas are. Given the available data, I think all my ideas are brilliant.
So let's just save ourselves the trouble. Remember, I hate you. But we can change that.
My own game is harder than I thought! I have to train myself, getting better is just an illusion! Letting your guard down will only hurt later. Hmmf.
I'm going to conclude as I've concluded many times before... Why? Because it always gets worse. It never gets better. Getting better is an illusion.
So we're going to play a game. The name of the game is Endurance.
Ready?
Set?
Gone.
I thought everything was OK now. I thought a distracted mind was all I needed... But I thought wrong.
It isn't enough. It's not a solution to the problem. And I'm slowly dying on the inside... Not sure how much longer I can last.
This has the potential to be very ugly. But to me... It's just very simple. Very cold, very dark, extremely simple. Couldn't have it any other way.
Simple.
WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE MAKE IT ALL STOP
Grr, can't handle it anymore! I swear, each second is just adding to the fire that will manifest itself into this crazy explosion. And we all know who's fault that is.
Not mine.
Online social skills or the lack thereof.
"So, do you know anything about computers?"
"No, sorry, I don’t really know anything about those."
"Well, there really isn’t any use in me talking to you, then.”
Hallmark INTJ if you ask me. Life must exude utility! And seriously, if there's nothing to talk about, then there's nothing to talk about. You serve no purpose, plain and simple. And all that small talk crap... I hate small talk. It just fills up what would otherwise be a perfectly useful void of silence that could be used for contemplation and equation solving. Extroverts getting in the way!
I'm reading this thread on Slashdot about Apple and Motorola... Some good posts that stick out:
Why Motorola is Complaining (about Apple's behavior)
The Marketing Genius of Motorola
And that second post... About Apple's fashionable approach to tech... It made me think of drug dealers. How to hook your customers into buying more. Immediately, I thought a base principle of dealing drugs (or products, whatever, work with me) is accessibility. Pushing the product to your customer (or minimzing pull actually... I hate push!) let's the customer feel in control. Let's him decide when and how often to be hooked. Because you should have already done a good job explaining what's what... Why get hooked.
Mmm, drugs and Apple products... Oh and by the way, I'm the proud owner of an iPod shuffle. After my four hour double door-to-door commute tomorrow, I'll try to write up an extensive (not really) outlook on why it did (because it will, it has too!!!) a good job for me.
At one point in time, I had this bright idea to make a satirical advice column for my college newspaper...
And then one day, I stopped caring. =(
My pursuits are surpassed only by my aversion. Amazing.
I'm doing this.
Wow, man, that's pretty cool. Maybe I should try that.
Yeah, it's cool.
... Wait. Are you you doing that because you're poor?
...
That's what poor people do! You're poor, aren't you?
No. Yes...
I'm doing this.
Yeah, man, that's pretty cool.
Only three days in and I can realize why people call it the daily grind... Working is tough, no matter how much vegetarian lunch you have.
Anyway, I came home to some chicken. Checking.
You know that commercial where that guy is all about extra strength checking? Like, American One checking, or whatever? Well my brother and I decided that... If you can say checking and/or chicken with a thick enough accent, we'd be capable of the following:
Extra strength chacken.
Kentucky Fried chacken.
American One chacken.
Popcorn chacken.
The possibilities... Are endless.
These are my bosses. I love you bosses! Please don't fire me!
...I once hiked ... and had six cameras in my backpack. I realized later I could have gotten lost and died because I didn't have a survival kit (not even a bottle of water!), but at least I would have been able to document my slow death.
Aren't they funny?
That's it. We're done. It's been decided.
I mean... It was decided before. But it's been decided. AGAIN!
Dun dun dun...
Just... go.
When I take a serious look at myself, one plausible theory about the way I act or fail to interact with others is that I simply... haven't grown up. That is to say, I havenly mentally or emotionally or socially (whatever) developed at the same rate as other kids/people.
Here's the weird thing, though. I somewhat don't care. More of... I value youth. I kept telling myself that. No matter how old I get, I will always value the characteristic of youth. I know youth in and of it self doesn't mean anything, like a whole slew of things in the world, but it can imply something. Today, I pondered... It implies to me the purity of thought (as opposed to Starcraft's purity of essence and/or form).
Kids, children, young people... Whoever. I think they have purity of thought. Because I know from experience and just random thingies that adults get... To summarize, jaded? Everything gets more serious. I can feel it coming. I can't hang out with Sigma or whoever anymore... But I'd love to!
The whole responsibility crap... It's seriousness. It's a blockade to a dream. But who dreams a lot? Children.
Oh man, if children had the proper ammo... The intelligence... Purity of thought and experience.
I don't ever want my purity of thought to go away. I want to be forever young, in at least that sense. Oh yeah and young people (compared to old people) look hotter too.
I haven't grown up. But I value youth.
Oh yeah and I forgot to mention. I've always valued being the youngest in a group. I love that feeling.
Here's my advice to any Internet-enabled individual who claims they are bored.
When you are bored, contribute to the Wikipedia. That's what I'm doing right now. It's pretty fun. And I don't even have my own wiki set up yet...
When I first read the title to this page, I was like, wow, classes of vegetarians!! I immediately thought of RPG character classes. How cool would it be to have an RPG based off of vegetarians? Pretty uncool! Har har har...
And yes. I'm looking up what it's like to be vegan/vegetarian. Why? Because Beast Boy does it. And this kid did too. Amazing, the peer pressure and the glaven...
Oh, speaking of RPG (Final Fantasy) spin-offs, here's a great GREAT one. Final Fantasy A+, featured on Newgrounds.com.
I just remembered... I had a very bad, extremely violent nightmare... Filled with lots of yelling and just... Everything crumbling down.
I can't remember the dream anymore. Too fuzy. But I do remember "waking up" and realizing the source to all my problems... It was like a blank slate... Or a wiki... Deep in my mind/youth... Being written over and over again... And just exploding into an uncontrollable exploding type explosion...
It was trippy. Good I don't remember, maybe?
Edit: I remember something. I was in a house... Hanging out with Erik. I was on the left computer, he was on the right computer. And I was being yelled at, constantly...
Then I had to go, and or same I'm sorry. Like... Sorry, Erik.
Stab my heart and call it all impossible...
*sniff* what a loss...
At least now I can concentrate.
James Tauber's thoughts on whether or not blogs and wikis can converge on some of four points on wiki nature: collaboration, editing, easy markup, and wiki words.
I think I just felt the most amount of happiness, comfort, stress, and surprise possible in the last 24 hours...
Sigma.
Paraphrased from good old Dr. House, episode one.
Girl Boss: Why is it that you think you're right all the time?
House: Well, I'd find it difficult to operate under the assumption otherwise.
Awesome.
The nuns argue quite evenly with Dr. House, and though he usually wins through the sheer force of his great intellect and even greater will, the emptiness in his soul becomes increasingly clear. His doubts in his own abilities suggest that for this man, science is not enough. [from here]
Oh, Dr. Craig, you slay me, in the way only an INTJ could. Thanks, brother.
Ignorance as the root of all evil. A compelling thought, matched with an NT personality, extracted from here.
(Extracted is such a better word than copied or stolen...)
I: Hangs out in his office by himself, playing video games. Doesn't like patients. Doesn't empath much.
N: Denies reality. Highly deductive.
T: Discards emotion. Sharp. Objective. Doesn't empath much.
J: Decisive. Stubborn. Willing.
Oh how I love the show House... I love it like I love 24. I love it, I love it!
Dr. House is the best. I bet he's an INTJ. He alone makes me want to become a diagnostician (sp). I'd switch into medicine if it weren't so messy...
Super duper duper House. Love it.
If you read this post, your immaturity level will rise.
If I ever encounter people like that... I'd stomp on them. They're like normal children. I mean, I just assume they're children. Adults or more articulate children have found more fulfilling pursuits in the world.
Must. Kill. Children.
I don't understand. There seems to be so much hate for G4... And I try to keep telling myself. Things exist because they work. Things exist because they work.
So this whole G4 thing. Even though a segment of the population thinks it sucks, clearly someone must be watching it... But who? Are American children really that dumb? Kids who like games... Do they really make up the demographic? Uh... I dunno.
It's just so painful. I like the banter, but I will admit, all the technie shows about inventing this and that... They were interesting. Now there isn't a shred of it yet. This is my second post complaining that no one will watch a show about video game cheats. It's... Stupid.
So chalk one up for me, I hate G4. Hate you with a ferver that ... Wait. Anger is love disappointed. I loved you Tech TV.
Hate. So much hate that... A fervor. A fervor so feverish that I wish I could be proactive in my hatred for you. It's not right to hate... But there must be retribution. For all the damage you've caused. For all my geek brethren that ache to see a good tech show...
I don't know if the thought of this has occured to anyone else but...
Is it just me or does Ultimate Fighting look kinda... I dunno... Weird? Funny, maybe? And fighters keep hugging each other... That's... So weird... One might say... Queer?
Every time I try making a custom wallpaper for myself... I have to remember that Windows's "stretch the wallpaper" mechanism is near useless. Everything looks granulated.
Please. In an era of modern technology, you could at least invest in an image sizing codec.
Windows. Sucks. (Oh uh, but I'm still using it. Evil Bill Gates power, activate!)
Arg, I try to be all lazy and sit back, but I can't stand it! I heard on a podcast that this kid, Matthew Bischoff does a prety good show. So, like, you know, it's my duty to go Google that and find out, or prove him wrong, whatever.
I listen to one MP3 and it's unbearable! The post was a transcription for his cast. That's what I write now. But in my head it sounded better. The MP3 was a reading of the post. It was so lame...
I think, to me, the allure of podcasting is not just the radio-ness of it... But the personality. C'mon, man, where's your personality? I applaud the kid for being so youthful and energetic, all stuff I greatly admire. But a voice with no attitude? Annoys the crap out of me.
One day... I will have my podcast. It will be lame, I promise you. But I will learn.
EDIT: Argg... Trying my way through a second show. No text on the site, so it's a real show. But he just... Sounds... Really annoying. He sounds smart though. I don't doubt that at fourteen (14), he knows his stuff. But... The voice is so... Juvenile?
I shouldn't be one to talk though. That's probably what my show would sound like, with much worse diction and lots of umms.... UMM!!!
Can't stand it. Sorry, man.
Weird. I'm still listening... Lazy? Bored? Who knows. Dun dun dun...
I just dreamt about a whole movie... I don't know how it's possible. Maybe because I kept my door open?
It was about a white family, who was kinda rich... Missing details because it's so faint in my mind. A dad, probably a mom, maybe two daughters, and two sons. Very successful, rich, happy family.
I don't know if I was a player or like a spectator ghost now that I think about it...
So each young member of the family invites their friends over for whatever. And each of these kids are like successful over achievers, doing really well in school. The movie cycles through each kid, going through some activity, like studying or what have you.
So the two sons are in this Kuprfrian hall type study area, teaching chemistry to like the neighborhood kids, like all their friends. Spiky hair, green shirt, I dunno.
And one of the sons friends is overworked also, stuck in this chemistry class...
Then this other son has like a scuba class... And everybody is there swimming in this dark set up place with yellow scuba gear and ropes... And they're just chilling out.
They're all paired off except this one son. His partner was the guy that's stuck in the chemistry class, having a hard time with the work. Everyone's having a lot of fun being paired off. The kid is so upset that he doesn't have a partner, he raises his scuba visor and says something like Tim where are you and then drowns himself in the water right while everyone's having fun.
So the camera runs through the house and finds the dad schmoozing with all his rich buddies talking about new money or whatever. He's about to finish his sentence about some answer, some trick or some method until the phone rings. Then one of his friends finishes the sentence for him and says let the phone ring (as if that was the method).
The dad answers the phone and the camera runs to the faces of each member of the family. Oh I forgot to mention this pool area was up the stairs, up the banister, like in that video game football guy crushing the table commercial.
So the family members are now running up the stairs to see what happened. I knew the call was about the son who just died in the house. A camera guy with a flood light is already at the top of the stairs, shining down on the family.
Fade to black as we reach the top of the stairs.
When the action is back, the main players are cascaded down the banister answering questions to the media and the neighborhood families down below in the foyer. So the father magicallly appears on the bottom, handcuffed or something... The little girls are there... And everyone's shocked, but points fingers at the dad. This is a well balananced, stable family, except for the son who died's heartache.
So they cycle through random people, who provided theories as to what happened. This one white Jessica Alba type girl talks and accuses the father of something... And then more people talk... I'm on the banister too. But I don't say anything. Maybe I'm the camera.
Then after they cycle through the conspiracy theories, the white girl says something calm and about a football game and the dad, suddenly on the banister, agrees and wants to play this football game. The jovially walk down the stairs and out of the house. Then this black girl who I think was a daught (hard to believe she was black though) said something about needing a fifth (black) girl (the one who was her friend, invited to the house) to a reunion. They scamper off. So like no one's going upstairs.
I wanted to know what happened to the story, and I thought how cool it would be of me to go to the crime scene. So I go up the stairs and into the pool theater. I open the door and cross a bridge type catwalk... I have to walk across and then back a little and down the stairs to a pool type dock area, where there's red tape or exes or yellow caution tape... But then it also looks like a theatre with a projection screen.
Apparently this was all a movie directed by that Italian type guy Giovani (sp) from the Boiler Room... And then I see Frank, with Susie sleeping on him... I'm almost down the stairs and I want to be stealthy, but Frank sees me. Then I hear someone coming and I'm like oh I'll just hide on the far side of the bridge in the shadows like a ninja, let this person come down the pool stairs and then I'll come right after him and I'll be secret like a ninja. It'll be cool.
Then... I guess I wake up. Oh yeah the projection screen showed the black and white type credits with a red paint ex slash on it...
This guy is the coolest. He talks about location aware to-do items. That's exactly what I was thinking! Certain tasks are just triggered by your context availability, something David Allen also hinted at when he went over which tasks to perform.
Water is... The only thing. That helps me feel better. Afterwards. All the time.
Kind of... Symbolic. Maybe I should grow up with myself.
I swear to God, all it takes is one instance to remind me... Not cool. And I can make it cool if I want to. I'll run it into the ground... Then we'll see who's laughing.
Know this about me, to all and anyone. Toying with me... Not helpful. The way I see it, everyone is being built up. And that's great. Some faster than others. I might even have my optimistic streaks. But if for any reason I'm to believe otherwise, back to zero it is for you. I don't see you climbing the ranks back up any time soon.
Mark and Filburt share conspiracy theories.
Rich and Rocko share optimism.
Who's Heffer?
I was trying out some biphasic sleep... And I was on my second cycle. Mad dirty. The dog wasn't helping, so I decided to go to my room and get some real, soft sleep for like a hot sec. And while I was laying there... I wasn't necessarily in deep sleep, but I did have a vision. A dream maybe.
I had a dream that I was judged. Like completely. She wouldn't give me a second chance.
Who's this she you're talking about? No no, it's not like that. This is about pure competence. An INTJ dream. She judged me into the group and I had no way to recover my reputation. In the midst of just having the dream and maybe waking up, I wanted to cry... I never felt so bad.
When I went to the bathroom to wash up, I wondered... So, this is what it feels like to close people off... And then I remembered that I'm me and superior to all others, and I felt better! Mwahahaha...
Regardless. I think closed books are still worth re-examining. For fun. You know. Keep an open mind. For however closed I might be. But I'd still claim, as all logical individuals might, I close people off for good reason.
Outside viewers would argue... But you still closed them off.
Yes. Yes I did. And I need practice and wisdom. =)
I share my birthday with Marcus Schenkenberg. That's weird.
If I read it in a magazine, then it must be true, right?
In an advice column, a guy asked a question. A question that I very much invested my worries into. Then came an answer. And I read that answer. Here's what I came up with.
It's all my fault.
Yup. All this pseudo-depression business... All the detachment, awkward feelings... It's just a figment of my own cage. Something Chris would say. I just need to... Grow up. Maybe distract myself a little. And get back on the happy train to assassinville.
I hope the issue (what issue?) is as simple as this. That I needed validation or some sort of addressal. From a magazine. So it must be true, right?
I must be cured.
w00t.
How about no?
So I'm reading these posts on the difficulty that designers have in articulating their visions to customers... And to me, that's not unlike real life.
I sometimes have difficulty explaining things to people. But the INTJ side of me comes to the rescue and says, "Of course not. It's their fault for not understanding."
You know, if anybody just up and told me, "Just trust me," I would automatically be like why? I hardly trust anybody to that capacity until it is clear to me, myself, and I that I am a willing student et tu are a willing teacher.
I, on the other hand, always tell people, "Look, just trust me." But why? I think because... I felt as if I wasn't given the proper avenue to explain. Now that I think back on it, I don't readily recall people asking me for my opinion in certain cases. Then again, it may be one of those times where my opinion isn't wanted... Regardless. Just trust me.... Haha. Oh well, it's a remnant of an INTJ thing now that I think about it. So scratch what I said.
But still! Just trusting someone is unacceptable. Knowledge is power and the key to your destiny is making your own choices. That's why if I ever had a design client, I would openly request them to ask me why, and to break down my designs. You have a right to know and I have a right to back it up properly.
Don't trust me. It's good.
Trust no one...
ch-ch-ch-ch, hah-hah-hah-hah...
Wah wah Wah waaah, duna na duna na duna na duna na....
Temporal juxtaposition.
X is the new Y.
Also.
X is last year's Y.
Maybe if I were completely honesty, then there'd be nothing to hide. Then there wouldn't be so much guilt...
Wash it away, wash it away, wash it ah-weh-eh ah-ohh hum.....
One, being squishy... Feels weird. That whole expressing your feelings? Yeah, terribly uncomfy. But I guess you gotta give to get, right? And it's really nice to get.
Two, on the dichotomy in a human subculture... To choose to choose. I think I've already chosen. I've exhibited the behaviors of one side, but I hate... I dunno, being labeled? Being labeled makes me feel like my polarity is through the rough. That and that forever, amen. But who's to say. I'm just lazy. And or. My skills lay elsewhere. Mmm. Numchuck skills. I got great numchuck skills. That's what they say. Trust me.
Or. We could work out a live demo. I'd be fun. I can prove it to you.
And the proof. Is in the pudding.
Mmm... Pudding.
If I didn't write about this already... I'm gonna blow everyone's cover. That's right, the secret to seemingly awesome looking web design (disclaimer: well, to me at least).
The great secret of awesome web design is... Drum roll please!
High-resolution stock photography!
Yep. There it is. Out on the table. Don't fight it. Don't fight it...
I bet you if I took all the designs that I thought were awesome and stripped them of their uber-unique photography, you'd be left with nothing. For some reason, a non-geometric random arrangement of pixels is pleasing to the eye, even if it has nothing to do with the website! Crazy.
My technique in good design? Exploit the reverse. Not a good skill, I know, but it works sometimes. Just throw in any random high-resolution photograph, preferably of beautiful people or odd scenic angles.
This post about Feed Envy describes what I was saying earlier about a low energy and high impact web experience.
Haven't really read into any of the articles people are posting... But I can tell that Google's auto links are making some people upset... So here I'm gonna take a stand.
Why? Why do you care? Did we not already go over this? About empowering the user? And leaving the heavy lifting up to the user agent? Jesus...
If I want a frickin' map, I want a frickin' map. Who cares what you want? You're a content deliverer!!
Jeebus. People should stop the whining and stop being so possessive all the time... Seriously. Just let go and everything will be ok. Heaven forbid computers make our lives easier...
EDIT: Here's an article. And here's why it sucks. "Once I click on the Look For Map button, [reasons that it's bad]..." Dude, you just said it. Once you click the button. It's a new feature that is voluntary! You have to add it in! Jeez...
I am like so pissed. Because people are acting irrationally. "it's virtually certain that [more reasons to fear it]..." C'mon man! Fear, uncertainty, doubt? You're making assumptions, you ass!
"In 2005, adding links to a page is not different from adding to or changing the words on the page. It's as if a machine editor had license to change our meaning or intent, without our permission." So? So what? it's a user agent setting! Please. You seem to be a fairly intelligent man when it comes to the web, and you should know by now that the rule of web content display on the user's end is... There is no rule! There is no control!
Should I flip a shit because people turn off my bright orange style sheet? You're breaking my brand name so I'm going to break your legs and sue you.
God... I'm just... So upset. As to why people would write such things. It's as if they've never heard of innovation or just more features... You don't have control. Seriously. Give it up and shut up.
It's just a regular expression! man... Oh teh g0dz they highlighted my page! 0)wned...
You know what makes me even more angry? I bet people are just saying these things to be trendy! Oh my god, an A-lister said Google is bad! To retain my credibility, I must link to him and also agree, even though I think it's a might useful feature and Google Maps kicks ass!!!
So to all you nay-sayers out there... I won't make any promises that Google will keep the feature. Because if user data shows that... Well, people don't like it? Then people don't like it. But!! If it proves to be useful, and people don't like it, then you can all suck it. Seriously. I'm taking a stand right here and right now. You stop the FUD.
One thing I never understood about my INTJedness is my lack of engagement in the scientific field... I mean sure, more and more I'm starting to see the allure of science. But seriously? I've always kept in the back of my mind that I never wanted to do any sort of... Physics or math... They're fun to think about. But that's about it. I don't think they're innately fun like design.
Ahh, I love design. I think it's just the right amount of challenge, creativity, and abstraction. And oh, by the way, to all of my architecture friends... You all suck. I can't have an intelligent design conversation with you. I mean, seriously? What do you know about design? All of your sketches suck anyway.
Bleh, I had to get that off my chest. Architecture students at NJIT? By and large, elitist. Ya gotta keep 'em down!!!
Anyway. Chemistry. Chemistry was the one science I fell in like with... I really liked chemistry. I loved the atmosphere it afforded in high school... I love its philosophies. Like equilibrium. Structure. Activation energy.
But that's it. No nuclear physics for me. And I still wonder why.
Too much profile-fitting, I'd say. So I'm an INTJ designer type. (More and more I find myself discussing design... "I'd love to be on a design team" is what I tell my potential employers.)
That's my new slogan. It was going to be on my new, minimalist, faded wallpaper... But I decided to go with the utlimately more shallow "fades are // the new blue". Yeah?
Low energy, high impact. It's a concept I've always tried to keep with me since I learned about activation energy in chemistry. Over the fast few days, I've had to either think about it or articulate some of how I feel to potential employers.
Low energy, high impact means that a product that you have, preferably an entire user experience should involve low activation energy to be useful. There should be no barriers of entry. The user should be able to use your product whenever, however. This is why I prefer small form factor designs and won't settle for anything less.
High impact means that for however little trouble the user has gone to engaging himself, return the most value, the most bang for the buck. Not necessary, but pretty simple. Just like the iPod. Simple. This post here, about creating an app of the year... Made me think. What does make a great app?
And also, recently, I've dived into RSS with FeedDemon as my reader. Ahh FeedDemon, where would my hours be without you? (Applied to useful things!!)
RSS is successful because the user experience is low energy. Energy and benefit so low that you might even go so far as to say RSS sucks. I said it. And I mean it. RSS sucks. The only reason I'm sticking around is because FeedDemon made it nice.
And that's the part I meant when high impact wasn't necessary. Of course we should aim for high impact experiences, but not at the cost of activation energy.
Activation energy. That post right up there... Talks about the usefulness of scripting. And scripting is kinda like RSS. A application script takes the application to its bare bones ("task") and allows you to control it any which way you want. The same with RSS. It's like time shifting the core of the experience away from the deliverer. I mean, sure, we all spend our time making our blogs look pretty... But the more we RSS them, the less we need to do that. Low energy blog, high impact RSS.
I also read somewhere that huge content management systems that do one of everything are starting to... Fade away? People don't want huge, monstrous applications doing the work. They want light, syncable things that are compatible... Largely, companies are losing contr