March 20, 2006

The Chinese Work Ethic

I liken the Chinese work ethic to the following...

Anything in life can be accomplished with good, earnest, hard work. If even that doesn't manage to yield what you want, then MO' HAD WOK!

Posted by Mark Canlas at 04:03 PM | TrackBack

February 21, 2006

Em Bare Assed

I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed that I'm not really measuring up as well as I'd like to against my peers. Embarrassed that I haven't been writing as much as I wanted to. Embarrassed that I have an unending mountain of stuff I'd like to do, but never really get to it.

I'm particularly embarrassed that I was brought back to a time... Where... Apparently, in all my wisdom, I put everything out on a piece of paper. Just laid out my heart and mind and made myself completely vulnerable. And then gave that piece of paper away for someone to read.

Honestly, I thought I put it beyond me... But uhh, it's still there, in that person's mind (heart?) I guess. And on my hard drive. I don't even feel like reading it... But I know I should. I should be brave and all that BS/jazz. It's crazy how much I've grown and changed. And how little has changed also.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:57 PM | TrackBack

January 29, 2006

An Idle Mind is the Devil's Workshop

This adage is true. I can totally vouch for it. The weirdest thing's I've thought of are a direct result of just not keeping busy with normal things.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 06:30 PM | TrackBack

January 26, 2006

ReJEcTed!!

I've been complaining to everyone that my ability to long-range think has been obscured by desire to go to Japan a la the JET Programme. Well, I just received an e-mail from the Embassy dropping the bomb...

I did not get in.

So, I can already feel my mental pathways changing and accommodating the lack of my going abroad. That's a Good Brain...

Sucks, man. Maybe I should look to this as a lesson and look into learning more Japanese and how to teach English. Anything that will make me more qualified.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:21 PM | TrackBack

January 16, 2006

Made: I Wanna Be a Chuckwagon Expert

No, not really... I mean, it's not really the title of a Made episode. At least I think it's not. If it was, that'd be pretty cool.

Just another lazy Monday, cleaning out notes... And these notes made me remember...

One time, on the Food Network (probably), I was watching a special about chuckwagons. It was mighty interesting, will all the food and the low-tech solutions they had. At that point, I was like, hot damn, I wanna learn how to do low-tech style cooking too. I love that, low-tech cooking. Task under constraint. I lob it!

But whatever. Salted meats, buttered biscuits, mmm...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:11 PM

December 28, 2005

Super Christians Scare the Crap Outta Me

I'm currently watching the movie Saved! and it's everything that I've feared, bundled in one neat package. Why scared? I'm not sure.

Did I mention that this season, I've had this inkling to go back to church? It all started when I got lost driving around my house. The roads I normally take were closed off so I needed to find an alternate route. And there I found the Catholic church nearest to my house. It was then that this feeling came over me... "Go back to church," it made me think.

And about church and everything Christian, there is this one person I think of...

But with all this Christian fearing (not really God fearing), why would I want to go back to church? I'm not really sure. I guess it's to renew that spiritual side of myself. I'm kinda jealous that one of my friends claims to be all into his spirituality. I also accuse him of being a weirdo and kind of a kook. All I have is logic and the magical dance that all logicians play; we want to be wizards and have command over nature.

Maybe I'll go to church. Maybe. Maybe finishing this movie will change how I feel about things... We'll see.

EDIT: Originally, I wanted to list the things that actually scare me, but only like two more minutes into the movie and already I wanted to gvomit... Gvomit and it's variants are superlatives to vomit.

It's the whole closing of ones eyes and the swaying of hands and the chanting and repeated mention of Jesus and God... It's just creepy. Too creepy! I still want to finish the movie, but seriously, this stuff just gives me the willies. I can't stand watching commericals that sell CDs. Oh and on that note, the whole Christian prefix scares me too. I used to be jealous of my friends that were in "youth groups" because basically it was a circle of friends. Anyway, I have a circle of friends now and we're all officially associated anti-social morons and better for it. But I digress. Christian rock, Christian activities, Christian fellowship groups, Christian this, Chrisitian that... I can't stand it! I mean, I'm a fan of intersection groups and statistics and laws for small or large numbers, but I can't help but think there's fundamentally something wrong with these people... Especially when they mention things like family values and creationism.

To all the creationists out there... Go fuck yourself. The only place religion and creationism have in this world is to fulfill that philosophical and scientific gap at the beginning of the universe. That's all you get.

Ugh... So sad. So scary of all things.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:07 AM

December 23, 2005

Pork Fat Rules as a Holiday Treat

Every time my brother and I watch the Food Network, specifically Iron Chef, we continually wonder... How come bacon was never a secret ingredient? Disappointed? Surely. But here's something my brothers have found to meet that monthly pork fat quota. Presenting... The Bacon of the Month Club! It sounds crazy, I know. I can even feel my heart slowing down in anticipation of the goods. Here's what you get:

  • Twelve different artisan bacon delivered to your door each month
  • Informative notes on all bacon selections
  • Discounts on Grateful Palate bacon products and bacons
  • Bacon of the Month Club Membership Card
  • The Bacon Strip—Our monthly bacon comic strip for members only
  • The Bacon of the Month Club Pig Ballpoint Pen
  • A Little Rubber Toy Pig
  • One free Bacon Tee-Shirt
That's wild!! Hog wild even. =/ I did think about subscribing, I mean, for a hot sec. But I'm low on funds and I don't think my heart could take the abuse. Besides, how would this at all fit in my New Year's resolution to be awesomely awesome? It'd probably just make everything that much for difficult. So adieux, ye pork fat... Que sera, sera.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 05:07 PM

December 15, 2005

Are Martial Arts Meritocratic? Should Life or Work Be?

Part of my unsatisfaction with my previous job is how I was treated... My manager would praise my ability and potential, but I didn't feel the actual behavior of everyone in the office was reflecting that. Maybe it's an INTJ thing, throwing out the idea of rank based on seniority. I mean, I totally welcome all opportunities to be schooled by other people. I guess I use that as an excuse or safeguard to fight against the idea of systems which are anything but meritocratic... And with that, I believe I had more talent or just a different (better?) perspective than a lot of my co-workers...

But bleh to all that. Like, I wonder if martial arts are meritocratic... They seem to be. I dunno, maybe I've just been watching too much Naruto and Bleach. Watching Naruto really made me appreciate the academic and social structure of a school or an academy. Although I realize there's a load of honorrifics going, I do believe they are all founded in skill. All senseis and all captains can school all of their subordinates. It should really be that way.

I didn't feel like my superiors could school me. I've felt that multiple times, and I think that feeling, in general, is the collapse of any system, at least for the NT type personality.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 07:55 PM

December 09, 2005

Project Runway and Tim Gunn

I want to go on record and say that I love Project Runway. On the whole, I've already given up on reality TV and I think it's a load of crap, but Project Runway definitely isn't crap. I've watched it since its first season, and now, in its second, I really can't wait to see it unfurl. I mean, yeah, it's kinda campy and a little over the top, but as my brother and I justify it to ourselves, it's insight into the design process. Design is design and fashion definitely isn't an exception.

One of my favorite parts of Project Runway is one of the professors from the Parsons School of Design where the show is filmed, Tim Gunn. He definitely sounds like he knows what he's talking about, and it just makes me wish I had a design teacher just like Tim. "Make it work, people!" is what he'd usually say. If you don't watch the show, you're probably like, big deal, make it work. But it's so true though. These designers are under constraint, mostly by time limit, and a handful of them really don't know how to "make it work". Actually, I've always used that type of phrase ("make it fit"), but same sorta principle.

I'm not even enrolled in design classes, though. Maybe that will change if I apply to ITP or Carnegie Mellon. I'm starting to realize, also, that programmers, on the whole, or at least the ones I've hung out in the city with, are really really lame. Like Slashdot lame. People who are on the web are generally more well-rounded and sociable, and not as awkward as programmer types. Sucks. Oh well.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:09 PM

ITP vs Carnegie Mellon

I usually judge things by intuition, because hey, I'm an intuitive judger. But now I've got data and it all sounds like a good idea to me... So today's match, ITP vs Carnegie Mellon. ITP stands for Interactive Telecommunications Program, and by Carnegie Mellon, I specifically mean their HCI program.

I haven't heard of ITP until recently. Perusing through a couple of blogs, it was mentioned as some hot new thing. I've heard, however, it's been around for a while... So I was at the Adaptive Path social in New York, and I met these coders from a company I can't remember the name of... And they were graduates of ITP. I was like, man, that's weird, I didn't think this program was real. And then a friend of mine, Vinnie, has a friend who is currently studying at ITP. And then and then, I just found out that the founder of Dodgeball, Dennis Crowley, is graduate of ITP. So after all these pings, I can't really ignore how interesting ITP is sounding. It definitely looks like a place I should apply to if I ever get serious about graduate school.

And on to Carnegie Mellon... I've always had this self-fueled belief that Carnegie Mellon was the cream of the crop. Since the birth of the term HCI in the arena of undergraduate studies, Carnegie Mellon has always had the most ellaborate and sophisticated three-tier program (three-tier meaning bachelors, masters, and doctoral). I've always gave them a lot of credit, and have seen good things from their graduate students' web pages. One student in particular, Dan Saffer, is now a member of the Adaptive Path team. See how we're cycling back here now? Crazy.

Speaking of cycling back, at the Adaptive Path social in NYC, I met Meg Hourihan and Jason Kottke. I feel kinda bad (and then it went away) that I put up a little ruse and pretended not to know them. I did that more to prevent myself from turning into a little girl. I mean, they are (were?) web celebrities, you know? So from them, I find out that it's all a tightly knit community, and some are galavanting on the front lines and others like forming consulting teams called Adaptive Path. Whatever. Bottom line? They revolve around the free alcohol. I mean, really. Go free alcohol, you know?

So with that... I find myself with loads of free time... Just a change in the seasons if you will. Kinda closing a chapter in my life... I learned a lot. But I still wanna learn more. Maybe applying to ITP and/or Carnegie Mellon is definitely something to consider. I mean, I've been gunning for Carnegie Mellon since high school, but just with my laziness compounded with experience and the way things have actually worked themselves out over the years, I don't really see the need for a graduate degree. I see myself driven by my own innate capability rather than having a degree speak on my behalf. Maybe I'll do both, attend school and still crank it out. But with something like Japan on the horizon, I can totally see what people mean. It kinda puts a damper on your long-term plans. Graduate school, I think, for the most part can wait. Not to say that Japan cannot wait, it's just something that I think is better served when I'm younger.

So that's my plan. Choosing A or B based on the availability of youth.

Just do it.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 08:15 AM

December 05, 2005

Don't Suck

It's actually a philosophy I've been thinking about recently... In regards how to properly treat work and life and all that stuff... Also, I've been trying to cut down on the whole using-a-blog-as-an-introspective-heatsink kinda deal... But just with the way things have been turning out lately, I can't help but say something.

In short, there are a couple things in life that suck. That's a given. Some things can be remedied by investing time and energy to find out that things don't really suck, but are just misunderstood.

Uh oh, hypocrisy coming up... I was about to say, oh, well, this other thing, isn't one of those times. Honestly, I don't feel like investing any more time or energy into it... There's nothing to "understand" if I'm constantly being cut down. So... That's the end of it. Cutting myself off from things that suck... It's not worth the lack of energy, stress, or emotional damage. Seriously, at this point, I just want to go on record and say it was all your fault. I mean, things were nice before, but now, they're not so nice. Why is that?

Yup. Little (a lot, actually) immature of me to go out and say all this... But, I mean, it's causing me so much stress. I'm already losing my hair (really) and growing up way too fast, so why do I need your constant influence on me? Every day, selling parts of my soul and making me progressively more lame... Sometimes, I'm just like, deep dive, here we go... But I'll try to hold off on that a little longer.

I want my time back. I want my energy back. I want my hair back. At one point in time, I thought we were cool. But apparently, that isn't the case anymore. So peace.

PS - More on the whole "Don't Suck" thing later.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 06:22 AM

November 26, 2005

I Want to Go to Japan

Turns out, there's only three days left to apply to the JET Programme. I don't know how I could have missed that. I was so jazzed about doing it, and I just let it slip by me. But fortunately, there's still time. I'll even take a day off from work if I have to (getting transcripts, etc.).

In my search for random things JET, I found this blog post about one guy's experience in Japan. It was actually quite negative, but the line this line made me laugh out loud: "I'm pretty sure my grandmother at one point threatened the life of my host family and probably made vague references to the yakuza, which were [sic] still not 100% sure about..."

Right now, I'm looking into the online application for JET. Hopefully there's still time to complete it. Maybe make an essay tonight, send it in tomorrow morning.

Pray for me. Domo. =)

Posted by Mark Canlas at 08:22 PM

November 24, 2005

Am I Passive-Aggressive?

I'm watching Daddy Day Care and the character Mr. Kubitz pulls that thing where he talks about his life through dolls and mentions troubles with a woman, living with his parents, and passive-aggressiveness. I don't really know what passive-aggressive means, but according to Wikipedia, I might be it. "Someone who is passive-aggressive will typically not confront others directly about problems..." That's the first part of a longer sentence, and I don't really understand the rest, but it does sound like me. "Often passive-aggressive behavior manifests itself in individuals who view themselves as 'peaceful'. These individuals feel that expressing their anger through passive-aggressive behavior is morally favorable to direct confrontation." Yup, kinda sonds like me also. Man, this feels like that time I looked up inferiority complex.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 09:44 PM

On Being Young and Gosu

For the uninitiated, the word gosu supposedly means "pro" in Korean. It's mainly used to Battle.net to denote players of significant skill.

I have a confession to make. The phrase "spot genius early and foster it" drove me to write this.

I value being young and proficient.

I originally used the word talent in place of proficient, but that isn't it. I think there's a lot to be said about people who are young and good at something. Because what other options are there? Being old and increasingly bad at something? Age is known for its effects on people's skills. They begin to forget. Or their reflexes aren't as sharp. All they have is wisdom, but I don't put too much investment into wisdom in arenas other than the human condition. I'm such a difficult human to deal with, but my wise friends and teachers put me in place, but nothing else.

That's all a digression from the real issue at hand. So what else is there? Being young and stupid? Unacceptable. Kids who aren't good at anything (and there's plenty of them) annoy the shit out of me. That's why I don't like children in general. But, there are a few well-spoken individuals who I would love to spend time with. There's also being old and good at something, but it's a matter of opportunity and accessibility. Opportunity, in general, goes down as one gets older. It's just not as fun as a fogey.

Being young and gosu signifies the opposite of being denied opportunity. All doors are open for young people. Me, I'm only 21. I've already graduated from college. But I think I'm a fogey now... I feel like there's not a lot left for me to do. Hanging out with adults has been a real drag lately. They're, on the whole, extremely lame. They don't dream as much as children do. And they're tied down by life's complexities. Which is why I'd like to make it a point to always remain cool, or try to at least, and simplify life as time goes on. As one friend said to me, each person is a burden. Or some sort of commitment. Or a time-eater. Choose your friends carefully, because you don't want your time eaten away, or spent poorly.

Sometimes I think how awesome it would be to be a teacher. In light of teachers or professionals that just suck at what they do, I certainly think I could do a better job. Although, come to think of it, I do remember how much I hate managing on the whole, which is why I love second seat. I just crit (criticize) when the big cheese messes up. Haha.

Anyway, yeah. Being young and gosu means a lot to me... I guess since I'm not young anymore, it only meant so much to me. More than once, older crowds have told me that I've acted well beyond my years, my age. I'm sure my parents would disagree, citing how immature I act at home. Touche, but I'd rather not talk about my home life...

I graduated from college early. In a blaze of glory. If you look at my transcript, there's a ton of failures on it. Yes, there is a method to prevent things like that from showing up, and it's called withdrawl. But I'm a proud individual and I was too proud to withdraw. That's my guess.

I analogate (?) my college career as to a man with a shot gun. I got through school as fast as possible, causing a lot of collateral damage along the way. But, in the school of Max OK (maximum overkill), what's done is done. In Final Fantasy Tactics, as I say to a team with no revival techniques, a kill is a kill.

I don't like talking about myself or tooting my own horn (only twice on weekends), but yeah, I guess people have pointed out how young I am and how I completed college so fast. Actually, I wanted to rub it in the fast of all of my high school classmates, but I don't keep up with anyone, so it's hard to gloat when there's no one to gloat to.

I'm 21 now. I can drink. I guess you could classify me as an adult. But, each day as an adult just provides dissatisfaction with life. You real world peeps really know how to bring a guy down... I've made silly promises like trying to keep my vocabulary as juvenile as possible. By the way, on promises, I try to not make any. I don't like promises because I'm adept at breaking them. So I'll never promise anyone anything.

I believe talent and youth should be treasured as much as possible. I believe the population in general could be challenged more. Find out what you really know, because knowledge is power and accessibility.

I dream of starting a school for young people. Well, I guess the concept of schools in general caters to young people. A school for Gundam soldiers, assassins, and Renaissance artists. Is there really a male equivalent of Charlie's Angels?

So, that's my confession. Talent already does it for me. But young people with skill, you had me at hello.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:40 PM

September 18, 2005

Bad Hair Cut

I got a really short haircut. I look stupid.

So shameful...

No. Really.

Rich and I discovered that my mood is partially based on how awesome my hair looks. One time, I was like... semi-depressed for days/weeks. Haircut? Whammo. All was awesome.

So, things aren't gonna be awesome for a while... Sucks.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 07:04 PM

August 19, 2005

Couple Things

Feh... So many random thoughts to outline... I'm just gonna sprawl some out here...

First shot. Of tequilla. So good. I totally wonder why I didn't do shots before... I almost regret it. It was like Robitusin. The lime was like magic. All for my boss, Brian. Best boss ever.

Still being treated like shit... Dunno if shit begets more hate... So more misery, all around. Happiness is an illusion, etc.

Totally got busted at work. Web surfing, blogging, coming in late, not being awesome enough... So, time to straighten up for the next couple months. I'll show 'em. Although... I do have this bad feeling... Let's see how bad it gets. =( (Ruby on Rails will keep me company).

Hmm, what else.... Trying to consider the bricks as a serious home. At least temporarily. And oh expenses...

$800 minimum service charge. It's worth it... Sorta.

Ugh, life. So many difficulties.

And uhh so I thought about something. Time to clean up my act and not brood in public anymore. So this last message goes out to all my homies.

If you ever see me happy, I'm not really happy. It's just an extroverted ruse to get on your good side, as I've been trained in the ways of the Jedi.

Cheers to fakeness all over, and true misery in the deepest regions of my heart.

Rock.

PS - If I ever have my own company, I'll be sure to not treat the new guys like crap. What if they have something to say? Maybe it should be a meritocracy. Ass.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 02:11 AM

August 13, 2005

Judge, Judge, Judge

That's all I do. Judge people. And criticize. I sometimes even go out of my way to tell people how good I am at it. Hmm... I think. The problem here, as with a whole lot of things recently, is the whole unfortunate but true... You have to love yourself before you love others. And I make no secret of not loving myself. I mean, I am an INTJ, and I know I, or at least my ideas, are the shit. But still. I know that I'm not perfect. I have yards, yards, and miles away from being an assassin. One day, I will be. And you know, I'm kinda proud of myself for taking the right baby steps. But in all honesty, I'm not proud of myself. I don't take well to compliments. And yeah, I'm highly suspicious of people and their ulterior motives. All liars and cheats if you ask me.

So, I'm getting complacent today... And it sounds like a good day. But all it takes is a little personal reminder... Yeah. For all the technical literature I read and all the do-gooding I try to do, the world will never be as cool as I think it is. Let the dark clouds come on by so I can play, romp, and brood. Cuz I'm cool like that.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:28 PM

August 11, 2005

Emotions in Dreams

Sometimes my emotions get so fired up, when i wake up, i can't tell if the event was real or not. So let's say we get into a heated argument, in a dream.
When i wake up, i'll have to rationalize why i'm mad at you.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:29 AM

Unqualified

I can't help but shake the feeling that unqualified people are making all the decisions...

"Why, Mark, are you qualified?"

Yes... No. Hahaha. Well, my guess is... I'd do a better job than you. Besides, I have my good old "I'm always right" argument to back me up. So again, no slight to me. I'm just saying.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:48 AM

August 10, 2005

Savage

So... I did it again. Only after the fact. And it was... Totally useless.

I guess I got my wish. Something to dwell upon. =/

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:59 PM

Snoring on the Bus

This is the second time someone's gone up to me on the bus and said, "Sir, you snore very loudly..."

Thanks.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:44 PM

August 09, 2005

Basic

That's funny. Ask me a couple weeks ago and I'm pretty sure I'd be down.

But now... It all seems so... Unfulfilling...

Dammit. I've been hit. Hard.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:35 PM

Inferiority vs. the Bright Lights

When I touched down at the park and ride, I realized how it wasn't really sunny anymore. Funny, I got home early enough. But nope... Those endless summer days are gone, and the world is coming to a close, at least for this season and cycle. As I drove home, the headlights on the cars passing by seemed to be a little whiter and a little more brilliant... I was looking forward to the darkness to come, maybe revel in it a little. Maybe I could be that little laser light INTJ piercing through the darkness... Perfect brooding grounds.

And on inferiority... I spilled again. So in response, I was accused of having an inferiority complex. I barely know what it is, let alone how to deal with it, but from what I've read so far, it pretty much summarizes how I've felt about people since as far back as I can remember.

I'm just saying.

EDIT: Replace "natives" with "cool kids" in this Wikipedia article and that's pretty much my life. It could explain my extreme affinity for imitating things and liking to hang out with the cool kids.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:04 PM

August 07, 2005

Two Seconds

I will admit. There are certain things in life that give me pause. Even make me happy. A little bit. But those things take years and years to build up, only for fleeting inspirational moments. After that? What's left.

Well, I'm here to say that none of that really matters. Never being happy is truly the only way out... It's far easier to expect nothing of the world than to tolerate lies and falsehoods that build up your hope. In the end, you're just brought down. And the only person that can take care of you is yourself.

I refuse to trust anyone or let anyone know what's really on my mind. They don't care. And they can't help. They're just.... Entertaining me. And I won't stand for it. Now or ever.

But I will note... That for all of this melodrama... I do feel petty. I do feel angsty. And I doubt this is on par with world problems like poverty or disease. I'm sorry. I don't have any of that. All I have is my biweekly salary and something to complain about. Apparently that's not enough for me.

All this... Sparked over two seconds of nothing. Two seconds worth of useless time, enough to remind me of all the things I hate in life. And how nothing in the world, no matter how comforting, could possibly amount to the aversion and hate for things I have otherwise.

Moping and brooding is what I do.

If I was ever given the chance, you would never hear from me ever again. Ever. And this is me almost not feeling bad about it at all. Because if I leave everyone to the wayside, then I can see who really cares about me. Even then... Lies.

No slight to me. I've got it.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:21 AM

July 31, 2005

Two Conditions that Drive Life

I was thinking... There's this one thing that drives life, technology, jobs, etc... And that's war. Actually, this thought stemmed from... You need pressure to really get the essence of how people are. Pressure. Stress. Limits. Critical conditions. War is one of them. The other is...

Sex. A basic human desire. I know it drives me to a handful extremes... So should it other people.

Sex and war. I think... If you thought of everything in a higher, pressurized context of sex and war, maybe the world would be a place.

Even user interfaces need war to have that extra kick in the ass. Must be easy to use with one arm bleeding and my hand chopped off. Weird things like that. I would almost guarantee that it would be easy to use healthy and otherwise.

Computers that need to boot faster. Or just do anything faster. I know you've been there, waiting for your data... Just think about war. How much you need technology to be there for you, ready and able. Can't be ready while looking at an hour glass... War.

Of course you could apply this to sex. You really really really need to get some and you'd really really really like those high res pics... Well, it's not a matter of necessity like war, but pornography (qua sex) has always been a driving factor in technology and society. See betamax or the rise of homosexuality (those crazy homosexuals)...

Sex and war. I'm pretty sure I covered everything.

No?

Then die. In war. Or... Go have sex. =)

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:06 PM

July 16, 2005

Full of Hate

Today will be a day, full of hate.

By the way, here's a sample of my need creedo o creeds.

As I grow up, I want part of my vocabulary to remain juvenile. I want the vast majority of my life assessments deliniated by words like "awesome" and "cool", all the while avoiding things that "suck" or are "lame".

Be cool. Don't suck.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 09:44 AM

July 07, 2005

Do the Dew

I hope we're okay.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:14 AM

June 20, 2005

Stupid Girls

Some girls were looking at me on the subway... I mean, I'll go ahead admit that I thought they were looking at me in a positive light, but it turns out they were just making fun of me. I have no idea why though... Maybe because I'm in boards and flops? I feel so undressed at work. Like it's not hot enough to merit what I'm wearing. But on another day, it'd be perfectly find.

Stupid girls.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 02:36 PM

June 14, 2005

Barbershop and Fraternity

What is the intersection of barbershopping and a fraternity? Maybe I can find out soon.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:38 PM

June 13, 2005

Challenge

With all of the sun and the skin outside, and the impending deadline, I feel... Inspired. Like I want to challenge myself and prove that I really can do it. And be better off for it.

So, may the challenge begin. Here's to not doing what I don't want to do, and to a better vehicle for the mind.

Let's start with the water, home sweet home.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 04:03 PM

Here's to Us

Maybe I haven't been reading enough Dale Carnegie. But something tells me this is the part where I start to feel bad about us, about what happened.

But I know there's still one more way out. It's the same part of me that knows that happiness... Is all a ruse. Happy relationships are just stories that haven't finished yet.

I got that one from Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Mmm, taking cynical cues from a movie.

But uh... It's true, I guess. The only solace... The only real way to be happy... To avoid disappointment... And to properly believe in life... Is to not believe in anything. Because if you do, it will just come back to haunt and harass you. And let you down.

So here's to us. And all the bad things that happened. And my poor memory. I won't be taking any more steps forward... Because I'm lazy, hurt, and upset. So why take the pain when you can fly away.

Fly away to a land of fleeting dreams, impossible bars, mentral constructs, delusions, and no happiness at all. Just... Championing. That should be joy enough for anybody. Real joy is an illusion.

If I actually rewound three years of my life, where would I be? Lifeless, a properly functioning version of me would say. Better, I currently believe.

And part of me should be hurt. But that part of me isn't around right now.

Maybe one day we'll find our way back. And we'll be happy. But today's not that day. And here's to being better off for it.

Life ain't perfect... But it will be.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 06:38 AM

June 11, 2005

Promises

soy (2:11:36 AM): i'm not good at fulfilling promises
soy (2:11:41 AM): so i've resolved not to make any

Posted by Mark Canlas at 02:11 AM

June 07, 2005

Oh Noes

So... One of my plans for world domination... Completely fell through. Goddamnit. Now I have to find another healthy outlet before I explode... Dammit to hell.

...

Dammit.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:06 PM

June 04, 2005

True or False

True or false. Real friends aren't afraid to tell one another about how stupid they look/are.

Side note: would then be a good time to discuss issues with stupidity/superficiality?

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:43 PM

Fever.

Had a fever on Thursday. I wanted to pass out at work.

I think I still have the fever now. I feel like I want to die... Now's a great time to be having delusions and losing my priorities...

Remember when I made that promise back in ... March? Well, it's already June. Progress? Almost none.

I feel like I'm going to die...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:01 AM

June 01, 2005

Idiot at Starbucks

Maybe I was mumbling... Here's what just transpired.

Next customer. What would you like?

Grande soy mocha.

[The dude spends like a minute punching in receipts which have nothing to do with my order and my Starbucks experience. Thanks for wasting my time, ass.]

Grande soy latte.

Mo-cha.

[Punch, punch, punch...]

Iced grande soy mocha.

What?

Iced grande soy mocha.

What? No.

What's the drink, sir?

Grande soy mocha.

Notice how the conversation starts and ends with "Grande soy mocha" and a condescending look of disdain that only an INTJ can deliver chilled. Thanks, asshole. Thanks for causing me all this undo stress and being a complete idiot. [Insert unnecessary comment affirming why you work at Starbucks.]

Posted by Mark Canlas at 05:04 PM

May 30, 2005

Can't Be Friends

Today, while doing nothing, I had a thought... Maybe we can't be friends anymore.

Why. Why would I say such a thing.

You changed. That's about it... And I don't like change. =) Umm... So yeah, I was wondering, can people really stop being friends just because of change? Immediately I thought of mass murder, because I'm sure that's rubicon enough for the common man. And we, as great as we are, I'm pretty sure we're of the comman man.

So you. You changed. A whole great deal in my opinion. I used to look up to you even. And now...? I dunno. Not so much maybe, to tell you the truth. And the truth is what it's all about. No need to run through any delusions... Unless you want happiness. Because happiness... Is about delusions.

Anyway... With all this change, I guess I've changed too. Maybe I should put blame squarely on your end. But I just gotta say... We're different. The world is different. And I miss us. We're definitely not the same.

So, should I keep working at it and cope with the change? Probably. But those golden days are over. They definitely are. But who's to say that they can't come back? Optimistic words like that is what we used to share. Now, we barely share anything. I feel aliented, actually. Aliented all the time. But then again, don't I get that feeling from everybody?

Maybe I'm just an attention whore, like my dog. I feel all silly and stupid when people don't pay any mind to me... =(

Uhh... But yeah. At the very least, I thought about it. And thinking... Is a whole great deal. To me.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 06:31 PM

May 23, 2005

Imaginary Power

Sometimes, I like to dream that... My teammates and I... All of us... Or at least the elite lot of us... Have extraordinary powers. Super duper special abilities. That would make anyone... Like... Do stuff.

Umm.

Squirm.

Just because the situation reduces the person to the one or two feelings that might just be the most important in the world... I mean, if we were ever given the chance.

And therein lies the problem. The chance. Society doesn't give us a chance. Maybe if we all moved to Prague or somewhere more... Progressive? All of this would be a non-issue.

And indeed, we would be the Mighty, Mighty Boss Tones.

So. If you ever catch me in a fit of insanity and you feel like throwing up a chance, just ask. The insanity might take hold. Lucky you.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:42 AM

May 22, 2005

I Think I'd Rather

Uhh... I'm in one of those sane, quasi-happy moods... And you know, now, I'm able to remember things that are fun, and clean, and ideal, and perfect... Things like water. Stuff like that.

And... For as long as I'm able to think this way... I try telling myself that I'm so powerful that I could go without it. You know, just... Keep away. From the addiction.

But uh... Talk like that... Would evolve into... Me being dunked into a tank of ice just like in Latter Days.

Sccccchhhhh.... Freezing.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:30 PM

May 15, 2005

Sad. So Sad.

Is it sad that... For however many happy thoughts there are... That I have a vivid picture of what it is to be sad? To be angry? To... hate?

Eh, maybe hate is a strong word. But being an INTJ, I guess I just can't deal. People will be people, and people on the whole are stupid. And boy do I hates me some stupid people.

Vividly sad. Vivid. And I'm reminded every day of it.

Why can't I be reminded every day of what makes life great?

Posted by Mark Canlas at 08:23 PM

Champion Philosophy

Champions have a philosophy...

"Just because it happens doesn't mean it's okay."

Alternatively... Champtions are "continuously/forever unsatisfied".

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:15 PM

May 14, 2005

Never Again

Never again, for the fourteenth time. =)

A wise Jedi-type person once said.... "Blah blah blah. The choice between what is right and what is easy." Yeah man, evil is hella easy.

And dammit I hate hate hate with a passion noobs and liars. People who can't face reality or truth.

Why didn't anyone tell me being perfect and/or being a champion was hard?

Lead by example, right? Because how can you take someone seriously if they adamantly oppose their own practices.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:39 PM

May 10, 2005

Golden Rule My Butt

I think the golden rule, "Treat others the way you would like to be treated," is total BS. I mean, I know for a fact that I like to be treated differently than most people. You can't handle this jelly the way I handle it... I mean, some people are more thin-skinned or more fragile. Or way too emotional. But I could care less.

So, the new rule should be... "Treat others the way they would like to be treated." Easy.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:54 AM

May 09, 2005

Music and a Sunny Day

Is it possible that music and a sunny day can undo all those bad things I said?

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:55 AM

May 07, 2005

Wouldn't Be Complete

My life wouldn't be complete with a day to remind me of how terrible everything really is.

Just a reminder with what I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life...

Don't say I didn't warn you. You had it coming a mile away.

Late hours are my sollace.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 05:59 PM

May 04, 2005

Dying Rat

There is a dying rat only a couple feet away from me... And I have web pages to produce. Eww....

Posted by Mark Canlas at 09:49 AM

May 02, 2005

I'm So Unhappy

I'm so unhappy...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:13 PM

April 26, 2005

Dr. House

Dr. House makes being an INTJerk fun!

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:16 PM

April 25, 2005

No One Listens

No one really listens to me... I think. It's like... the only person who ever really cared to listen to what I have to say is myself.

I don't think I'll ever find a person in the world who wants to listen.

Some say they do. Some actually do do it. But... I'm still lacking something... Feels like... No matter what I do, nothing's getting across. It's just an unending battle... For attention. For recognition. For a little pat on the back maybe?

It hurts to not be heard...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 04:14 PM

April 24, 2005

The Last Time I Cried

Before I write any further... I just want to clarify by saying... No, I'm not crying because I'm dying of radiation poisoning or that I'm living minute to minute in a third world country... I can't say that. I'm an American. I've already got a couple bonuses that other individuals don't have. However, I don't believe we can constantly be saying these things to discount how people feel. I'm a firm believer that dis...

Wait. Watching a very emotional episode of Zatch Bell (haha) isn't helping. Composure...

Anyway, I'm a firm believer that discounting people's feelings is wrong. I think... Education. And knowledge. And perspective purely from the person's own eyes is the only right way to deal with someone. So yeah... No third world distress here. Just little old me, spoiled New Jersey brat. And to continue...

I can remember three times where I cried in the recent past. One was when someone told me no, another was when something didn't go my way, and one was when someone said yes. But all very much related issues, to those who know me in that context.

Today, I thought I could cry it out of my system... But I don't think it will ever leave me. Just like those past three times I cried. I can't remember not thinking about them or what they were about. This issue won't leave me until it's over...

In the heat of my most vulnerable moment... I was thinking... Wow, I thought this was over. I talked it over, was even given a great solution... But I guess I just kept reminding myself of how much it hurts. Why even go through this. It was painful.

And at the point, my mind settled on two things. One, pain. The other, pride. All of this was caused by pride, I'm pretty sure... And I wondered, what is the purpose of pride in this world? I was thinking maybe even... People aren't that good unless they have a certain amount of pride. You know, drive, belief, something to stand by? Could you imagine someone with no pride at all? Maybe I'm just stretching pride to be the most golden word possible.

I'm pretty sure I'm a proud person. Too proud, some might say. Proud like being a jerk. Like being stubborn. Like refusing to accept blame. But this whole refusing to accept blame... It's a psychological thing. For everybody, at some level. It's how we function and prevent cognitive disonance. So... I'm never wrong.

Okay, at this point, if you're thinking, Mark, you're a jerk because you believe you're never wrong. Listen, if deep down in your heart, you really think that way, then I can't help you. But if not...

So whatever about that pride leaves me... On to pain. I don't think anyone should have to go through pain. And I don't mean physical, triumph over adversity kinda pain, but just pure emotionally wrecking pain... No one should have to suffer, ever. Maybe some people will insist that the lows make the highs... But I'm unsatisfied. Like a great leader would be. Unsatisifed with the current state of the world that people have to suffer. Over anything. Right now, I'm suffering over my own issues...

I guess I'm in a calmer state now... But 15 minutes ago, or in any state of mind that I can remind myself of exactly how I felt, the pain isn't worth it, I don't think... I would give up my dreams of everything, singing, designing, just drop it all... For the ability to not feel pain. No pain. For ever and ever... Then I was thinking of all those weird sci-fi fantasy movies where the people decide to be painless and then end up being lifeless zombies forever... But is that pain? Like Pirates of the Caribbean? To be thirsty forever... Maybe they got jipped.

Anyway. It was painful. All too painful... Maybe all of this is just part of my personality type... Where I'm emotionally hypersensitive. I usually like ot think of myself as thick-skinned. But maybe I dish it out more than I can take it. But who takes time out to get me this way? I dunno, but when it happens, I think I'm down and out, for pretty much a long time... It's cutting me deep, and eating me alive, and I can't help it. That's just the way I am.

I don't want to experience pain. I want out...

I guess one of the most upsetting parts about all this is that it's coming from people that I thought I could believe in the most... But as Bobby pointed out... People are only angry for as much as they care (it was in much more broken English). I believe in that too. If people truly are heated up and angry... It's because in some twisted sense, they care.

I know I do. I would never get angry at someone unless I cared about their welfare. To be honest though, to me, it's never about someone's actual welfare. Haha. It's more about their performance. But that's important to me, haha.

Umm... But yeah. I'm in a jolly mood now. All sarcastic and wrighty... But I guess I'll just go back to reminding myself... Life's not all roses. Life is pretty bleak, actually. It's a miserable existance, filled with choices and sad things... That stress you out. People that make you upset. Things that make you cry. There's just no end to it. And I don't think I've ever seen a day where I could admit that the good outweighs the bad...

Even moments in singing and designing and maybe admitting to myself that I'm genuinely happy... It just all goes away too fast. I feel like a scale that's gradually tipping to one side. One day, there won't be anything left of me.

I'll just... vanish.

And it won't hurt.

PS - I wanted to mention this, but I forgot to fold it in... I won't even try. That stream was good enough. "The sun will always rise." or something to that effect. Used to describe the constant state of the world versus someone's extreme volatility, usually in emotional dispair or confusion. I still don't like that! It's something that people say to make people with feelings feel less of themselves. I mean... If I truly knew that the world continues on without me, then good for me. Or good for you, for that matter. But I don't. And I feel a certain way. Throughout my existence, it causes me to feel a certain way. Now there you are, with your quippy little solve it all saying, to remedy my existence? I don't think so. I think... I think life is a very serious thing. Everything should be taken serious. Everything should have passion and drive and energy and insanity. None of this lax bullshit... Being lax won't give you anything other than inner peace. And life isn't about inner peace. It's about better. It's about progression. It's about the future. It's about solving one's unsatisfaction...

So if the sun really does rise each day... It can do that without me.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 05:19 PM

Don't Like Being Depressed

The lasting optimistic side of myself has enough courage to admit that I don't like being depressed. It makes me think of depressing things like...

A deep dive is both a threat and a solution.

How... convenient...

Seriously. I'm gonna get all bent out of shape and cry about it until the day comes... But in some objective light, it just tells me that I care.

It's up to you and I to see how that care will manifest itself, most probably in the worst of ways.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:14 AM

Feeling Left Out, Much?

So umm... I think I might get left out of something... In a very official kinda way.

Maybe I did it to myself. Maybe...

But umm... I dunno. I'd be hurt. I'd be really, really hurt. If I couldn't.

If the depression just rang with the right wavelength... I dunno. It's one of the three things in this world that I care about most. But apparently some actions aren't just good enough for some people.

Should I really live to prove that to people? Or is just talking the talk good enough?

I'm happy. In a sort of content with the present being of life kinda way... What is there left to change? I can't change the past.

Yes, I've dissed a lot of people. And have broken a lot of promises. And yes, told a handful of lies along the way... But umm... Can't do much about it. All I see is the future, as painful as it might be. I would hope, that at least we would see it through, together.

Don't leave me. Please.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:09 AM

April 18, 2005

No Uncle Mike

To be honest... One of the things that upset me most about possibly never being able to come back is to never have an Uncle Mike... Haha. Really.

Now, I have just about a year to conquer my next fear; never being a member of the Hyannis Sound. I'd guess I could start my training with barbershop and see how things pan out. A year. To train. It's like trying out for the olympics. For me at least. Extremely important. Let's see how I shape up in this next year.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 09:41 AM

April 10, 2005

Where's the Magic?

So... Like... after all that work... I've still come up with nothing.

Well, not nothing nothing. No, not nothing. But, in some sense, when I ask certain questions, or just want to ask questions... I've got nuthin...

Where are you?

...

I wish I had a friend that was psychic. Or at least someone to ask me how I was doing...

...

I was thinking today. I'd much rather put myself through the gauntlet rather than suffer... Being through the gauntlet, no one can say you didn't earn it. Or didn't try, even. For the longest... I haven't tried. But now I am. Anyway...

We do the things we do for cost/benefit. Clearly... Something's not being addressed. And I'm unsatisfied. But my calculations tell me I don't have room to be otherwise. So... I have to think of something. Because it's still not all working out.

If I don't think of something, it will just keep getting worse. The illusions will keep baiting me in... Eventually, I'll learn to fully accept being hateful... And that's just... I dunno. Unproductive in and of itself. But I'm not being given much choice. It's all stupid really.

Everything is stupid.

I dunno. I'm just worried. Maybe there's a part of me... That... Doesn't wanna turn out that way. You know? Maybe I'm worried about myself. And the direction I'm taking. And... Also... I really don't care what anybody says about this but I'm pretty damn good at my intuitions. And who knows me better than me, right?

Anyway. And also. I hate it when people try invalidate your feelings... Like, no, you're not allowed to feel that way. Or... It's illogical. Dude, this isn't a debate. I'm just talking. Jeez, if you didn't want to listen, say something... Hate that. Hate that with a passion. Because I know I'm right. And it's not even about being right. It already happened. So why are you trying to add stress to my life by telling me something that I was victim to is... Nothing. You're telling me that I'm nothing? Nice. Real nice.

See, it's things like that... I dunno. I wish... I wish life was better. Because it's not right now. I'm doing the best I can by myself. And maybe this whole by myself thing will start to change. I dunno. If it was to change, this person better damn well have the secret to life. Because I ain't nobody's fool! Haha, I'm kidding. I'm a total sucker. I'm a jerk, too.

*sigh* So back to the gauntlet... Maybe if I burn myself out, there won't be any room left to feel... I won't feel happy, and I won't feel sad either. And... To avoid that emptiness... I almost think it's worth it. I don't believe in this whole thinking positive thing... It's crap. It's feeling. Thinking negatively though... Now that's productive.

On the aside, I'll give you a great example of how thinking negatively, positively, can help. Case study? Successful FOBs. That's right. FOBs are actually good for something. Actually, only the cream of the crop. Successful FOBs know what it's like to be poor, down on their luck, and have nothing to lose. That's why some end up being insanely successful. They don't want to be poor anymore. It's called my... Anti-thesis theory. I can't remember what it is in psychology (negative reinforcement?) but it's just focusing on the negative... And avoiding it.

So that's what I do. Daily. Think negatively. Helps loads.

Also, on the topic of having nothing to lose... So... I believe that constraint builds character. Among many people, I believe in builds fraternity (the concept, not the noun). Anyway... I believe that poor people (read: people that have been through hardships) are in a better position, regarding their morality and ethics and belief and drive, than well-to-do kids. And... I think I gotta say... For all the complaining I do, I'd say I'm pretty well-to-do. And I'm not trying to flaunt my riches. But look, I'm fat, I'm full, and I'm typing on my blog. That means I'm indulgent, I have food, I'm educated, and I have certain luxuries and access to the Internet. Much more than other kids have...

Anyway. I was thinking of... Simulating hardship. You know, like earning your keep... Thinking like a poor-to-do kid, but keeping all your amenities. Some say ludicrous. I say... Completely plausible.

And by the way... All the complaining I do for how well off I am... I don't think it's unjustified. I don't think anyone's feelings are unjustified (you know I hate that). It's like... We all have to complain about something. It's just in our nature. Just scale it up (or down) a bit if you don't understand.

Some people complain about not having their next meal. Some people complain about their dad not buying them a $40,000 car. Stuff like that. Just... Scale it up some. Scratch some worries, add summore.

Whatever. I'm just going to drown myself in work... I get paid hourly anyway. Each hour is one step closer to freedom... Each minute is one step closer to freedom in general.

Also, I thought... Time's running out. Each minute is also one less minute to spend as a happy man. Meaning... I'm not happy right now.

So much stuff to do out there in the world...

Kinda makes me think what I'd do if I had kids... By the way, I know exactly what I'd do.

Because I'm an INTJ. And that's what INTJ's do. =)

*sigh* Anyway... All this temporary feel-goodiness that I'm giving myself right now by releasing... It's all fleeting. I have to keep training myself. All this goodness? It's fake. It won't help anybody, especially me. Gotta keep my mind straight. It's all crumbling down. Each day, just a knife spinning in my gut...

There's no such thing as happiness.

And I'm doing my best to survive and crawl out of the hole.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:33 PM

April 08, 2005

That Was So... 1998

Yes, I'm blogging at work... But for good reason.

My latest assignment? Make this look like that (good so far) without using CSS. OMG!! It's like the middle of the browser wars all over again! Fake inline styles using font! Tables for borders, rules, spacer gifs, EVERYWHERE!!!

Ugh... It's like calling on every amount of strength I have to remember what it is like to pixel push and simulate style...

That's talent. =) *ching*

Posted by Mark Canlas at 06:03 PM

April 05, 2005

aoifja;sdfj

Oh no... The thought is digging into my brain... I can't get it out!

It's all I think about!

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:23 AM

Evil Spirits

Somethings... Taking me over... I'm being lured by evil spirits to... Engage... In... Dream-like activites...

Power... Too great... Cannot resist...

Must... Sing...

--

I can't handle the feeling. I think... I would do nearly anything to... Be... A member of the Hyannis Sound. The thought of it just... Washes over me. Like... A disease or something. Gegh... I think music, specifically a cappella music, is one of the only things that makes this mortal coil worth the trouble, hahaha... Anyway.

So, what is greater... My addiction for a cappella music? Or the desire to design something great? Meh.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:07 AM

April 04, 2005

It's Getting Lighter Outside

It's getting lighter outside... =) The summer/spring sun will soon wash over the land... The depression will melt away... And I'll be driving 80 on the Parkway.

Is it all true? The happiness? Really? Or is it just another trick...?

Did hard work pay off? Hmm...

Still trying to keep a suspicious eye... For everyone and everything.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 06:22 PM

I've Been Spoiled

I came back from the Cuban restaurant referred to me by this guy. And lemme tell ya, I'm mighty upset.

When I got there, I got the worst seat in this house. I mean, this tiny place is jam packed and they only have like two active waitresses available. So scale it up in your head. This... Worst seat in the house. It was a little before the bathroom, so it was a high traffic area, and it was on the left wall where the right wall was already packed with seats and tables in an already crowded hallway! Terrible.

I didn't like the food. I mean, I tried the roast pork... The texture was good, very soft. But it was like... Sour? Who knew? The beans and rice, eh... And who puts vegetables and lime in rice? Seriously.

Anyway, I keep comparing these places to the one in Bergenfield. The one in Bergenfield is the best there is! Maybe next time I'll try that Cuban restaurant I originally planned on going to, on Christopher Street...

As for you Cuban cafe, you are teh suck.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:18 PM

IA: Innie or Outie

So... It's a bajillion o'clock in the morning and here I am, reading an IA list like I always promised myself to do. Honestly, I want to go back to sleep... Anyway, here's a quote from a comment on this page:

"As a consultant that just turned in-house I couldn't agree more. The experience of being an innie really ads up to your skill set and..."

An innie. I laughed, a lot. On the inside, mostly. So... If we, the interaction design or whatever you want to call us this week, community were to work in-house, we'd be innies? And... If I was to work solo or freelance, I'd be... An outie? Haha. Nice.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 04:47 AM

What. Do I Do?

I don't feel equal with anyone... I feel like... I do things... I'm pretty sure no one knows about. And who do I tell? No one.

It constantly feels like I'm lying to everyone... That I'm living this secret MIB-type lifestyle... And maybe I am.

Hey, guess what guys! I'm a super hero!

Ahh, see? You didn't know I have super powers!

Bah, I wish. My life is so dull though, "secrets" and all. Hey, here's a secret. I'm ADDICTED to a cappella and JELLY BELL JELLY BEANS!!!

A:LSDJ A:@U Q)@U{)(U SUGAR RUSH!!!!!

(I... Sugar rush and caffeine dive because... I work in the city. And... I lack sleep. Constantly. Working 9:00 to 7:00 each day... Four hour round-trip commute... It's... iPod shufflicious)

So here's to maybe unveiling my secrecy to that one special person, whoever you might be. Cheers.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 04:03 AM

On Elevator Button Dynamics

So there I am, waiting for an elevator at my work lobby... In comes some schmoe and he proceeds to rapidly press the button. HELLO? You think I'm standing here for no reason? Seriously. People have some sort of problem... Don't you think I woulda pushed the button already? Damn it. People like you... Raise my blood pressure. And I don't need it raised anymore! I'm on Orange Alert you nut ball! I work in the city Gad Nambit!

Posted by Mark Canlas at 02:00 AM

I Saw a Scarf

I saw a guy wearing a scarf in the city. It was really thick, like sideways, with white and a very full blue stripes on it, just like four huge bars making up the whole scarf. And it had a gold, very English-looking crest on it.

Actually, since these thoughts are coming off my recorder, might as well put them all here. They're all short and useless.

I saw a dog in the city walking himself, biting his own leash. Dogs in the city are much cooler, and collected than oh say... Kayah. Beeatch. He was sleeping in the sidewalk near Starbucks. He even almost followed me inside. You know, when I was getting my LATTE.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:51 AM

March 31, 2005

Caffeinated Water

So I rinsed out my Starbucks cup and filled it with water... Instant caffeinated water.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:07 PM

Worth It

Currently at work with no headphones... But for you, Sigma, it was worth it.

It was all worth it.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 09:30 AM

March 29, 2005

How I Spent My Day

Committing an act of treason and again realizing that flowing water is my only sollace...

So I just finished watching House and it was a battle of the Thinkers versus the Feelers. That girl is so gushy but Chase, the English guy, was being extra English and extra sarcastic. Biting, almost. Thinker, definitely.

So House and Girl were having at it and giving their Thinker vs. Feeling arguments. House, extremely logical. But then what the girl said floored me. He said that you can't always take everyone into account and make them feel better... She replied people don't just go away when you feel like it.

Oh diss of univeral elements in a set!! I guess it's true. But, as a Thinker, I don't care. =) As one very careless INTJ once said on a mailing list, "You're dead to me." (How immature does that sound?)

And going over my e-mail logs... You know, just renewing the guilt of past mistakes or rather choices and outcomes... Yeah, I prefer the comfort of the abyss. No one to yell at you for the cost of no pat on the back other than that coming from old Number One.

Star Trek quoth. Always look out for Number One.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:16 PM

March 28, 2005

My Communication Methods

While describing to Chris how I operate, this is what we came up with:

[problems]
he: inform them. good communicatin is for the better
i: "excuse me, SIR, you need to HALT with the FRONTING" i prefer pouting and subversion... until it blows over or blows up, haha

It's true though. I was thinking... I don't like confrontation. And I don't mean like... Talking to people. I mean, CONFRONTATION, na'am sayin'? So yes. Let's be honest, if I'm unsatisfied with you, I probably won't tell you. Why? Why ask why? Because.

Because if I told you how I felt, then you wouldn't understand. That's number one. Then two, I'd be stressed because there's shit out on the table, and now you have this weird eye out for me and it makes me uncomfortable. It makes you uncomfortable, does it not? So for the lesser of two evils and much less confrontational issues, why don't we settle for my pouting... Until it gets to the point where I have to smash you in the face for being annoying.

Seriously. It's not that big of a deal. If you're still around, then there's a reason why it all works out. I don't think my personal opinion is worth all that much in the super cog machine of life.

What? A person's opinion doesn't matter?

Of course it doesn't! Why? Because my opinion does matter! It's golden! I am supreme ruler and you are a mere mortal. But, since are bound by the rules of this... Lesser coil, then hey, I have to keep quiet. Because you don't want to hear it from me, right or wrong, regardless of how brilliant I think my ideas are. Given the available data, I think all my ideas are brilliant.

So let's just save ourselves the trouble. Remember, I hate you. But we can change that.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:45 PM

March 27, 2005

Harder than I Thought

My own game is harder than I thought! I have to train myself, getting better is just an illusion! Letting your guard down will only hurt later. Hmmf.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:45 PM

March 26, 2005

Play a Game

I'm going to conclude as I've concluded many times before... Why? Because it always gets worse. It never gets better. Getting better is an illusion.

So we're going to play a game. The name of the game is Endurance.

Ready?

Set?

Gone.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 02:16 PM

I Thought Wrong

I thought everything was OK now. I thought a distracted mind was all I needed... But I thought wrong.

It isn't enough. It's not a solution to the problem. And I'm slowly dying on the inside... Not sure how much longer I can last.

This has the potential to be very ugly. But to me... It's just very simple. Very cold, very dark, extremely simple. Couldn't have it any other way.

Simple.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:41 PM

March 24, 2005

MAKE IT STOP

WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE MAKE IT ALL STOP

Grr, can't handle it anymore! I swear, each second is just adding to the fire that will manifest itself into this crazy explosion. And we all know who's fault that is.

Not mine.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:39 PM

March 22, 2005

Online Social Skills

Online social skills or the lack thereof.

"So, do you know anything about computers?"

"No, sorry, I don’t really know anything about those."

"Well, there really isn’t any use in me talking to you, then.”

Hallmark INTJ if you ask me. Life must exude utility! And seriously, if there's nothing to talk about, then there's nothing to talk about. You serve no purpose, plain and simple. And all that small talk crap... I hate small talk. It just fills up what would otherwise be a perfectly useful void of silence that could be used for contemplation and equation solving. Extroverts getting in the way!

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:20 PM

March 20, 2005

The Drug Philosophy

I'm reading this thread on Slashdot about Apple and Motorola... Some good posts that stick out:

Why Motorola is Complaining (about Apple's behavior)
The Marketing Genius of Motorola

And that second post... About Apple's fashionable approach to tech... It made me think of drug dealers. How to hook your customers into buying more. Immediately, I thought a base principle of dealing drugs (or products, whatever, work with me) is accessibility. Pushing the product to your customer (or minimzing pull actually... I hate push!) let's the customer feel in control. Let's him decide when and how often to be hooked. Because you should have already done a good job explaining what's what... Why get hooked.

Mmm, drugs and Apple products... Oh and by the way, I'm the proud owner of an iPod shuffle. After my four hour double door-to-door commute tomorrow, I'll try to write up an extensive (not really) outlook on why it did (because it will, it has too!!!) a good job for me.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 09:03 PM

Satiric Column

At one point in time, I had this bright idea to make a satirical advice column for my college newspaper...

And then one day, I stopped caring. =(

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:15 PM

March 19, 2005

My Pursuits

My pursuits are surpassed only by my aversion. Amazing.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:29 AM

I'm Doing This

I'm doing this.

Wow, man, that's pretty cool. Maybe I should try that.

Yeah, it's cool.

... Wait. Are you you doing that because you're poor?

...

That's what poor people do! You're poor, aren't you?

No. Yes...

I'm doing this.

Yeah, man, that's pretty cool.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:50 AM

March 16, 2005

Only Three Days In

Only three days in and I can realize why people call it the daily grind... Working is tough, no matter how much vegetarian lunch you have.

Anyway, I came home to some chicken. Checking.

You know that commercial where that guy is all about extra strength checking? Like, American One checking, or whatever? Well my brother and I decided that... If you can say checking and/or chicken with a thick enough accent, we'd be capable of the following:

Extra strength chacken.
Kentucky Fried chacken.
American One chacken.
Popcorn chacken.

The possibilities... Are endless.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 09:38 PM | Comments (1)

March 13, 2005

These Are My Bosses

These are my bosses. I love you bosses! Please don't fire me!

...I once hiked ... and had six cameras in my backpack. I realized later I could have gotten lost and died because I didn't have a survival kit (not even a bottle of water!), but at least I would have been able to document my slow death.

Aren't they funny?

Posted by Mark Canlas at 08:04 PM

That's It

That's it. We're done. It's been decided.

I mean... It was decided before. But it's been decided. AGAIN!

Dun dun dun...

Just... go.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 05:12 PM

March 12, 2005

Haven't Grown Up

When I take a serious look at myself, one plausible theory about the way I act or fail to interact with others is that I simply... haven't grown up. That is to say, I havenly mentally or emotionally or socially (whatever) developed at the same rate as other kids/people.

Here's the weird thing, though. I somewhat don't care. More of... I value youth. I kept telling myself that. No matter how old I get, I will always value the characteristic of youth. I know youth in and of it self doesn't mean anything, like a whole slew of things in the world, but it can imply something. Today, I pondered... It implies to me the purity of thought (as opposed to Starcraft's purity of essence and/or form).

Kids, children, young people... Whoever. I think they have purity of thought. Because I know from experience and just random thingies that adults get... To summarize, jaded? Everything gets more serious. I can feel it coming. I can't hang out with Sigma or whoever anymore... But I'd love to!

The whole responsibility crap... It's seriousness. It's a blockade to a dream. But who dreams a lot? Children.

Oh man, if children had the proper ammo... The intelligence... Purity of thought and experience.

I don't ever want my purity of thought to go away. I want to be forever young, in at least that sense. Oh yeah and young people (compared to old people) look hotter too.

I haven't grown up. But I value youth.

Oh yeah and I forgot to mention. I've always valued being the youngest in a group. I love that feeling.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 08:20 PM

When You Are Bored

Here's my advice to any Internet-enabled individual who claims they are bored.

When you are bored, contribute to the Wikipedia. That's what I'm doing right now. It's pretty fun. And I don't even have my own wiki set up yet...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 07:22 PM

Vegetarian Classes

When I first read the title to this page, I was like, wow, classes of vegetarians!! I immediately thought of RPG character classes. How cool would it be to have an RPG based off of vegetarians? Pretty uncool! Har har har...

And yes. I'm looking up what it's like to be vegan/vegetarian. Why? Because Beast Boy does it. And this kid did too. Amazing, the peer pressure and the glaven...

Oh, speaking of RPG (Final Fantasy) spin-offs, here's a great GREAT one. Final Fantasy A+, featured on Newgrounds.com.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:39 PM

Dreamcatcher

I just remembered... I had a very bad, extremely violent nightmare... Filled with lots of yelling and just... Everything crumbling down.

I can't remember the dream anymore. Too fuzy. But I do remember "waking up" and realizing the source to all my problems... It was like a blank slate... Or a wiki... Deep in my mind/youth... Being written over and over again... And just exploding into an uncontrollable exploding type explosion...

It was trippy. Good I don't remember, maybe?

Edit: I remember something. I was in a house... Hanging out with Erik. I was on the left computer, he was on the right computer. And I was being yelled at, constantly...

Then I had to go, and or same I'm sorry. Like... Sorry, Erik.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:31 AM

March 11, 2005

Just Read It

Stab my heart and call it all impossible...

*sniff* what a loss...

At least now I can concentrate.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 02:49 PM

Belated Thoughts on Blogs and Wikis

James Tauber's thoughts on whether or not blogs and wikis can converge on some of four points on wiki nature: collaboration, editing, easy markup, and wiki words.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 08:47 AM

March 10, 2005

Tough Nuggets

I think I just felt the most amount of happiness, comfort, stress, and surprise possible in the last 24 hours...

Sigma.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 04:54 PM

March 09, 2005

Why I'm Right

Paraphrased from good old Dr. House, episode one.

Girl Boss: Why is it that you think you're right all the time?
House: Well, I'd find it difficult to operate under the assumption otherwise.

Awesome.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 02:05 PM

I Love You, Dr. House!

The nuns argue quite evenly with Dr. House, and though he usually wins through the sheer force of his great intellect and even greater will, the emptiness in his soul becomes increasingly clear. His doubts in his own abilities suggest that for this man, science is not enough. [from here]

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:12 AM

March 08, 2005

Oh Dr. Craig

Oh, Dr. Craig, you slay me, in the way only an INTJ could. Thanks, brother.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:15 PM

Ignorance as the Root of All Evil

Ignorance as the root of all evil. A compelling thought, matched with an NT personality, extracted from here.

(Extracted is such a better word than copied or stolen...)

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:23 PM

Dr. Gregory House as an INTJ

I: Hangs out in his office by himself, playing video games. Doesn't like patients. Doesn't empath much.
N: Denies reality. Highly deductive.
T: Discards emotion. Sharp. Objective. Doesn't empath much.
J: Decisive. Stubborn. Willing.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 09:46 PM

I Quit!

Oh how I love the show House... I love it like I love 24. I love it, I love it!

Dr. House is the best. I bet he's an INTJ. He alone makes me want to become a diagnostician (sp). I'd switch into medicine if it weren't so messy...

Super duper duper House. Love it.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 09:14 PM

March 06, 2005

Social Engineering 101

If you read this post, your immaturity level will rise.

If I ever encounter people like that... I'd stomp on them. They're like normal children. I mean, I just assume they're children. Adults or more articulate children have found more fulfilling pursuits in the world.

Must. Kill. Children.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 05:38 PM

I Don't Understand

I don't understand. There seems to be so much hate for G4... And I try to keep telling myself. Things exist because they work. Things exist because they work.

So this whole G4 thing. Even though a segment of the population thinks it sucks, clearly someone must be watching it... But who? Are American children really that dumb? Kids who like games... Do they really make up the demographic? Uh... I dunno.

It's just so painful. I like the banter, but I will admit, all the technie shows about inventing this and that... They were interesting. Now there isn't a shred of it yet. This is my second post complaining that no one will watch a show about video game cheats. It's... Stupid.

So chalk one up for me, I hate G4. Hate you with a ferver that ... Wait. Anger is love disappointed. I loved you Tech TV.

Hate. So much hate that... A fervor. A fervor so feverish that I wish I could be proactive in my hatred for you. It's not right to hate... But there must be retribution. For all the damage you've caused. For all my geek brethren that ache to see a good tech show...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 05:33 PM

Riverdance

Oy lave Rivardahnce.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 05:05 PM

Ultimate Fighting Is Weird

I don't know if the thought of this has occured to anyone else but...

Is it just me or does Ultimate Fighting look kinda... I dunno... Weird? Funny, maybe? And fighters keep hugging each other... That's... So weird... One might say... Queer?

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:14 PM

Why Windows Sucks

Every time I try making a custom wallpaper for myself... I have to remember that Windows's "stretch the wallpaper" mechanism is near useless. Everything looks granulated.

Please. In an era of modern technology, you could at least invest in an image sizing codec.

Windows. Sucks. (Oh uh, but I'm still using it. Evil Bill Gates power, activate!)

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:13 PM

March 04, 2005

I Heart HFT

Two shows in, I love the Happy Fun Time Show.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:39 AM

Can't Stand It!

Arg, I try to be all lazy and sit back, but I can't stand it! I heard on a podcast that this kid, Matthew Bischoff does a prety good show. So, like, you know, it's my duty to go Google that and find out, or prove him wrong, whatever.

I listen to one MP3 and it's unbearable! The post was a transcription for his cast. That's what I write now. But in my head it sounded better. The MP3 was a reading of the post. It was so lame...

I think, to me, the allure of podcasting is not just the radio-ness of it... But the personality. C'mon, man, where's your personality? I applaud the kid for being so youthful and energetic, all stuff I greatly admire. But a voice with no attitude? Annoys the crap out of me.

One day... I will have my podcast. It will be lame, I promise you. But I will learn.

EDIT: Argg... Trying my way through a second show. No text on the site, so it's a real show. But he just... Sounds... Really annoying. He sounds smart though. I don't doubt that at fourteen (14), he knows his stuff. But... The voice is so... Juvenile?

I shouldn't be one to talk though. That's probably what my show would sound like, with much worse diction and lots of umms.... UMM!!!

Can't stand it. Sorry, man.

Weird. I'm still listening... Lazy? Bored? Who knows. Dun dun dun...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:05 AM

I Dreamt About a Movie

I just dreamt about a whole movie... I don't know how it's possible. Maybe because I kept my door open?

It was about a white family, who was kinda rich... Missing details because it's so faint in my mind. A dad, probably a mom, maybe two daughters, and two sons. Very successful, rich, happy family.

I don't know if I was a player or like a spectator ghost now that I think about it...

So each young member of the family invites their friends over for whatever. And each of these kids are like successful over achievers, doing really well in school. The movie cycles through each kid, going through some activity, like studying or what have you.

So the two sons are in this Kuprfrian hall type study area, teaching chemistry to like the neighborhood kids, like all their friends. Spiky hair, green shirt, I dunno.

And one of the sons friends is overworked also, stuck in this chemistry class...

Then this other son has like a scuba class... And everybody is there swimming in this dark set up place with yellow scuba gear and ropes... And they're just chilling out.

They're all paired off except this one son. His partner was the guy that's stuck in the chemistry class, having a hard time with the work. Everyone's having a lot of fun being paired off. The kid is so upset that he doesn't have a partner, he raises his scuba visor and says something like Tim where are you and then drowns himself in the water right while everyone's having fun.

So the camera runs through the house and finds the dad schmoozing with all his rich buddies talking about new money or whatever. He's about to finish his sentence about some answer, some trick or some method until the phone rings. Then one of his friends finishes the sentence for him and says let the phone ring (as if that was the method).

The dad answers the phone and the camera runs to the faces of each member of the family. Oh I forgot to mention this pool area was up the stairs, up the banister, like in that video game football guy crushing the table commercial.

So the family members are now running up the stairs to see what happened. I knew the call was about the son who just died in the house. A camera guy with a flood light is already at the top of the stairs, shining down on the family.

Fade to black as we reach the top of the stairs.

When the action is back, the main players are cascaded down the banister answering questions to the media and the neighborhood families down below in the foyer. So the father magicallly appears on the bottom, handcuffed or something... The little girls are there... And everyone's shocked, but points fingers at the dad. This is a well balananced, stable family, except for the son who died's heartache.

So they cycle through random people, who provided theories as to what happened. This one white Jessica Alba type girl talks and accuses the father of something... And then more people talk... I'm on the banister too. But I don't say anything. Maybe I'm the camera.

Then after they cycle through the conspiracy theories, the white girl says something calm and about a football game and the dad, suddenly on the banister, agrees and wants to play this football game. The jovially walk down the stairs and out of the house. Then this black girl who I think was a daught (hard to believe she was black though) said something about needing a fifth (black) girl (the one who was her friend, invited to the house) to a reunion. They scamper off. So like no one's going upstairs.

I wanted to know what happened to the story, and I thought how cool it would be of me to go to the crime scene. So I go up the stairs and into the pool theater. I open the door and cross a bridge type catwalk... I have to walk across and then back a little and down the stairs to a pool type dock area, where there's red tape or exes or yellow caution tape... But then it also looks like a theatre with a projection screen.

Apparently this was all a movie directed by that Italian type guy Giovani (sp) from the Boiler Room... And then I see Frank, with Susie sleeping on him... I'm almost down the stairs and I want to be stealthy, but Frank sees me. Then I hear someone coming and I'm like oh I'll just hide on the far side of the bridge in the shadows like a ninja, let this person come down the pool stairs and then I'll come right after him and I'll be secret like a ninja. It'll be cool.

Then... I guess I wake up. Oh yeah the projection screen showed the black and white type credits with a red paint ex slash on it...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 07:40 AM

March 03, 2005

Location Aware To-Do Items

This guy is the coolest. He talks about location aware to-do items. That's exactly what I was thinking! Certain tasks are just triggered by your context availability, something David Allen also hinted at when he went over which tasks to perform.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 02:11 PM

Water Is

Water is... The only thing. That helps me feel better. Afterwards. All the time.

Kind of... Symbolic. Maybe I should grow up with myself.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:38 AM

March 02, 2005

I Swear to God

I swear to God, all it takes is one instance to remind me... Not cool. And I can make it cool if I want to. I'll run it into the ground... Then we'll see who's laughing.

Know this about me, to all and anyone. Toying with me... Not helpful. The way I see it, everyone is being built up. And that's great. Some faster than others. I might even have my optimistic streaks. But if for any reason I'm to believe otherwise, back to zero it is for you. I don't see you climbing the ranks back up any time soon.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 07:56 PM

Mark's Modern Life

Mark and Filburt share conspiracy theories.

Rich and Rocko share optimism.

Who's Heffer?

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:06 PM

I Had a Dream

I was trying out some biphasic sleep... And I was on my second cycle. Mad dirty. The dog wasn't helping, so I decided to go to my room and get some real, soft sleep for like a hot sec. And while I was laying there... I wasn't necessarily in deep sleep, but I did have a vision. A dream maybe.

I had a dream that I was judged. Like completely. She wouldn't give me a second chance.

Who's this she you're talking about? No no, it's not like that. This is about pure competence. An INTJ dream. She judged me into the group and I had no way to recover my reputation. In the midst of just having the dream and maybe waking up, I wanted to cry... I never felt so bad.

When I went to the bathroom to wash up, I wondered... So, this is what it feels like to close people off... And then I remembered that I'm me and superior to all others, and I felt better! Mwahahaha...

Regardless. I think closed books are still worth re-examining. For fun. You know. Keep an open mind. For however closed I might be. But I'd still claim, as all logical individuals might, I close people off for good reason.

Outside viewers would argue... But you still closed them off.

Yes. Yes I did. And I need practice and wisdom. =)

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:15 PM

I Share My Birthday

I share my birthday with Marcus Schenkenberg. That's weird.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 06:52 AM

March 01, 2005

If I Read It in a Magazine

If I read it in a magazine, then it must be true, right?

In an advice column, a guy asked a question. A question that I very much invested my worries into. Then came an answer. And I read that answer. Here's what I came up with.

It's all my fault.

Yup. All this pseudo-depression business... All the detachment, awkward feelings... It's just a figment of my own cage. Something Chris would say. I just need to... Grow up. Maybe distract myself a little. And get back on the happy train to assassinville.

I hope the issue (what issue?) is as simple as this. That I needed validation or some sort of addressal. From a magazine. So it must be true, right?

I must be cured.

w00t.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:28 PM

February 28, 2005

Just Trust Me

How about no?

So I'm reading these posts on the difficulty that designers have in articulating their visions to customers... And to me, that's not unlike real life.

I sometimes have difficulty explaining things to people. But the INTJ side of me comes to the rescue and says, "Of course not. It's their fault for not understanding."

You know, if anybody just up and told me, "Just trust me," I would automatically be like why? I hardly trust anybody to that capacity until it is clear to me, myself, and I that I am a willing student et tu are a willing teacher.

I, on the other hand, always tell people, "Look, just trust me." But why? I think because... I felt as if I wasn't given the proper avenue to explain. Now that I think back on it, I don't readily recall people asking me for my opinion in certain cases. Then again, it may be one of those times where my opinion isn't wanted... Regardless. Just trust me.... Haha. Oh well, it's a remnant of an INTJ thing now that I think about it. So scratch what I said.

But still! Just trusting someone is unacceptable. Knowledge is power and the key to your destiny is making your own choices. That's why if I ever had a design client, I would openly request them to ask me why, and to break down my designs. You have a right to know and I have a right to back it up properly.

Don't trust me. It's good.

Trust no one...

ch-ch-ch-ch, hah-hah-hah-hah...

Wah wah Wah waaah, duna na duna na duna na duna na....

Posted by Mark Canlas at 06:39 PM

Fashionable Vocabulary

Temporal juxtaposition.

X is the new Y.

Also.

X is last year's Y.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 05:07 PM

Maybe If I Were Completely Honest

Maybe if I were completely honesty, then there'd be nothing to hide. Then there wouldn't be so much guilt...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 04:18 PM

Wash It Away

Wash it away, wash it away, wash it ah-weh-eh ah-ohh hum.....

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:00 PM

February 27, 2005

Two Concerns

One, being squishy... Feels weird. That whole expressing your feelings? Yeah, terribly uncomfy. But I guess you gotta give to get, right? And it's really nice to get.

Two, on the dichotomy in a human subculture... To choose to choose. I think I've already chosen. I've exhibited the behaviors of one side, but I hate... I dunno, being labeled? Being labeled makes me feel like my polarity is through the rough. That and that forever, amen. But who's to say. I'm just lazy. And or. My skills lay elsewhere. Mmm. Numchuck skills. I got great numchuck skills. That's what they say. Trust me.

Or. We could work out a live demo. I'd be fun. I can prove it to you.

And the proof. Is in the pudding.

Mmm... Pudding.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:02 PM

Good (Web) Design is an Illusion

If I didn't write about this already... I'm gonna blow everyone's cover. That's right, the secret to seemingly awesome looking web design (disclaimer: well, to me at least).

The great secret of awesome web design is... Drum roll please!

High-resolution stock photography!

Yep. There it is. Out on the table. Don't fight it. Don't fight it...

I bet you if I took all the designs that I thought were awesome and stripped them of their uber-unique photography, you'd be left with nothing. For some reason, a non-geometric random arrangement of pixels is pleasing to the eye, even if it has nothing to do with the website! Crazy.

My technique in good design? Exploit the reverse. Not a good skill, I know, but it works sometimes. Just throw in any random high-resolution photograph, preferably of beautiful people or odd scenic angles.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:50 PM

Feed Envy as Low Energy

This post about Feed Envy describes what I was saying earlier about a low energy and high impact web experience.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:19 PM

Google Auto Links, Bah

Haven't really read into any of the articles people are posting... But I can tell that Google's auto links are making some people upset... So here I'm gonna take a stand.

Why? Why do you care? Did we not already go over this? About empowering the user? And leaving the heavy lifting up to the user agent? Jesus...

If I want a frickin' map, I want a frickin' map. Who cares what you want? You're a content deliverer!!

Jeebus. People should stop the whining and stop being so possessive all the time... Seriously. Just let go and everything will be ok. Heaven forbid computers make our lives easier...

EDIT: Here's an article. And here's why it sucks. "Once I click on the Look For Map button, [reasons that it's bad]..." Dude, you just said it. Once you click the button. It's a new feature that is voluntary! You have to add it in! Jeez...

I am like so pissed. Because people are acting irrationally. "it's virtually certain that [more reasons to fear it]..." C'mon man! Fear, uncertainty, doubt? You're making assumptions, you ass!

"In 2005, adding links to a page is not different from adding to or changing the words on the page. It's as if a machine editor had license to change our meaning or intent, without our permission." So? So what? it's a user agent setting! Please. You seem to be a fairly intelligent man when it comes to the web, and you should know by now that the rule of web content display on the user's end is... There is no rule! There is no control!

Should I flip a shit because people turn off my bright orange style sheet? You're breaking my brand name so I'm going to break your legs and sue you.

God... I'm just... So upset. As to why people would write such things. It's as if they've never heard of innovation or just more features... You don't have control. Seriously. Give it up and shut up.

It's just a regular expression! man... Oh teh g0dz they highlighted my page! 0)wned...

You know what makes me even more angry? I bet people are just saying these things to be trendy! Oh my god, an A-lister said Google is bad! To retain my credibility, I must link to him and also agree, even though I think it's a might useful feature and Google Maps kicks ass!!!

So to all you nay-sayers out there... I won't make any promises that Google will keep the feature. Because if user data shows that... Well, people don't like it? Then people don't like it. But!! If it proves to be useful, and people don't like it, then you can all suck it. Seriously. I'm taking a stand right here and right now. You stop the FUD.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 04:26 AM

Of INTJs and My Lack of Science

One thing I never understood about my INTJedness is my lack of engagement in the scientific field... I mean sure, more and more I'm starting to see the allure of science. But seriously? I've always kept in the back of my mind that I never wanted to do any sort of... Physics or math... They're fun to think about. But that's about it. I don't think they're innately fun like design.

Ahh, I love design. I think it's just the right amount of challenge, creativity, and abstraction. And oh, by the way, to all of my architecture friends... You all suck. I can't have an intelligent design conversation with you. I mean, seriously? What do you know about design? All of your sketches suck anyway.

Bleh, I had to get that off my chest. Architecture students at NJIT? By and large, elitist. Ya gotta keep 'em down!!!

Anyway. Chemistry. Chemistry was the one science I fell in like with... I really liked chemistry. I loved the atmosphere it afforded in high school... I love its philosophies. Like equilibrium. Structure. Activation energy.

But that's it. No nuclear physics for me. And I still wonder why.

Too much profile-fitting, I'd say. So I'm an INTJ designer type. (More and more I find myself discussing design... "I'd love to be on a design team" is what I tell my potential employers.)

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:53 AM

Low Energy, High Impact

That's my new slogan. It was going to be on my new, minimalist, faded wallpaper... But I decided to go with the utlimately more shallow "fades are // the new blue". Yeah?

Low energy, high impact. It's a concept I've always tried to keep with me since I learned about activation energy in chemistry. Over the fast few days, I've had to either think about it or articulate some of how I feel to potential employers.

Low energy, high impact means that a product that you have, preferably an entire user experience should involve low activation energy to be useful. There should be no barriers of entry. The user should be able to use your product whenever, however. This is why I prefer small form factor designs and won't settle for anything less.

High impact means that for however little trouble the user has gone to engaging himself, return the most value, the most bang for the buck. Not necessary, but pretty simple. Just like the iPod. Simple. This post here, about creating an app of the year... Made me think. What does make a great app?

And also, recently, I've dived into RSS with FeedDemon as my reader. Ahh FeedDemon, where would my hours be without you? (Applied to useful things!!)

RSS is successful because the user experience is low energy. Energy and benefit so low that you might even go so far as to say RSS sucks. I said it. And I mean it. RSS sucks. The only reason I'm sticking around is because FeedDemon made it nice.

And that's the part I meant when high impact wasn't necessary. Of course we should aim for high impact experiences, but not at the cost of activation energy.

Activation energy. That post right up there... Talks about the usefulness of scripting. And scripting is kinda like RSS. A application script takes the application to its bare bones ("task") and allows you to control it any which way you want. The same with RSS. It's like time shifting the core of the experience away from the deliverer. I mean, sure, we all spend our time making our blogs look pretty... But the more we RSS them, the less we need to do that. Low energy blog, high impact RSS.

I also read somewhere that huge content management systems that do one of everything are starting to... Fade away? People don't want huge, monstrous applications doing the work. They want light, syncable things that are compatible... Largely, companies are losing control. You should get used to it. Get used to losing things like that, authority, authorship, lock-in...

Why lock me in? I bought your product to accomplish a task. Record my voice, listen to music, do this, that, and the other thing. If we really focused on the user... All this... Market bullshit? It would all go away.

That's why I'm also looking for no frills design. Show me a car that's engineered perfectly, preferably with no commercial style (all ergonomics, know what I mean?)

So people. Please. If possible... Avoid the lock in. Make yourself vulnerable. Low impact, high energy. If you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you will have less of an opportunity to be judged, for you will be judged on your content alone.

Content. Content. Content.

Ahh, this post sounds so much more like an article... And I hope people learn to take my seriously. I'm important, dammit!

Low energy, high impact.

Thank you.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:26 AM

Hoyay Eb-Design Way

"One of the things Jason and I have in common is source]

Gosh, what a stretch... Any reason to match patterns, I guess.

Well. I thought it was funny. =\

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:11 AM

February 26, 2005

My Body Hurts

Man, my body hurts... New Yorkers must have really good calves, na'm sayin?

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:26 AM

February 25, 2005

Jay Oh Bee

I'm uber close to getting a job... I rocked the socks on teh intarviews. And for any of you potential employers reading my mind mcnasty...

Thanks Itai, Brian, Jeff, and Ossip. Had a great day today. Maybe I'll get to work for you!!

Posted by Mark Canlas at 09:19 PM

February 24, 2005

Survivor Meets Queer

Jeff from Survivor Palau looks like Peter Paige from Queer as Folk.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 08:27 PM

Of Introverted Feeling

From a mailing list that I dropped but keep receiving messages from:

"...worrying about pulling it out or making him extrovert his feelings is, to the point of view of an INTJ, a pain in the ass, and, possibly, sneaky. Why? Well, as for me, I
know what I feel, when I feel it, and having to explain that to someone else in words (rather than have them see it by action or whatever else) sort of destroys the essence of it in some way."

Wow. Totally got me. It's moments like this I decided to join the mailing list. But there's too much noise and not enough signal. Sucks.

Continues:

"I'll say this. For me, I know what I feel, and often times it's incredibly strong. I don't, however, generally extrovert that, and as a result it can be a mixed bag as to whether the other party picks it up or not. If this doesn't make any _sense_, think about it as the difference between actually feeling the emotion, rather than spending the time telling people about it. It's a preference thing, like most MBTI stuffs. This is the way I _want to be_, and it will not change. I like it, and the people who can see it and understand it are receptive to it. Those who aren't, go about their business otherwise."

Posted by Mark Canlas at 07:56 PM

Double Dose of Reality TV

My head was about to explode... I mean, one night with American Idol and Project Runway? Could life get any better? I submit that it cannot!

So it's like 8:00 and my entire family is waiting for American Idol. Seriously. This is how we bond. Through TV. The TV serves as our surrogate family. Ty, the Simpsons, Seinfeld, Super Nanny? We know them all. Personally.

8:00. No American Idol. I think it's some bizarre half-hour shift. 8:30. No American Idol.

9:00! Holy crap, Project Runway is at that time! Gotta choose!

American Idol it is.

When American Idol is finished, we feverishly switch channels to Bravo. Mmm, Project Runway goodiness at last. Jay wins. The peasants rejoice.

Shit, have to stay up and watch the rerun at some point in time... But what's this? Eminating from friend TV?

"Did you miss the first half of Project Runway because you were watching American Idol?" At this point, I was having a heart attack, because my televisionic friend just read my mind. "Yes!" I responded with glee. "Here's your chance to watch the first half of the season finale of Project Runway, up next."

Flippin' sweet.

Ah, but what's this? A caption on the bottom? Apply to be on the next Project Runway? LUCKY.

I think John is going to take a stab at fashion design. I mean, design's design, right? What's the difference? Haha.

I did NOT steal the bitch's pantone swatches.

Umm, I can't sew... *point* Ow!!!

Oh and by the way. Wendy Pepper is a soul-less bitch. Save that one for the archives.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:04 AM

February 23, 2005

Just One?

An ENFJ, caught, red-handed!

This marquee was posted at the top of his Xanga: ONE LIFE! ONE LOVE! ONE FAITH!

C'mon man, just one? Sounds like Judging to me. And all this malarkey about love and faith! Woo, romance! NF-blasted.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 06:02 PM

Hyperdimensional Robbery

I've thought about this so many times, so I can't believe I haven't written about it. Or maybe the search function is hiding it from me...

The fourth dimension. It's a great thing. Here's why.

I'd like to outline a new profession called hyperthief. This so-called hyperthief has the ability to navigate through the fourth spatial dimension. How cool is this! Not so cool, actually. If you've read the Flatlands or understand it in as much as I do, then there's no surprise here.

Imagine your typical diamond thief, like in the movies, clad in black. There he is, in the main chamber, with the diamond in a protective casing. So the thief goes to reach for it... But instead of attaching a weird gadget to the encasing, he proceeds to move his hand closer to the diamond. Now imagine his hands and fingers phasing out of reality, like someone was messing with the opacity slider in Photoshop.

His limbs would appear transparent at the intersection of the glass and where the limb is supposed to be. He would nab the diamond and phase it back through the glass to his side. Job successful.

This is the hyperthief. Using extradimensional navigation for seemingly outstanding robberies in three-dimensional space.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 05:52 PM

Moleskine Fever

I can't stand it. I'm reading about Moleskines again and I'm on the verge of getting one. Just to be cool. And a set of Gel pens maybe... (Nah, I have that already...)

What I also can't help is creating a master list of links on a given subject. I just keep seeing the same things over and over again...

Moleskine GTD tabs hack
More Moleskine Hacks
How the Moleskine Rocked My World
Moleskine and OneNote
Analog Blog
The Moleskine Multi-Tab Hack
Moleskine Pen Hack
Moleskine Love!

Okay I have to stop here for a second. This is where the Moleskines are getting lame. Someone amused by the idea of linking in a book. I'm sorry, sir, but that's lamesauce. It's called "page numbers". We put these "page numbers" at the bottom of each page, where they serve as "unique identifiers" to the "content" on the "page". Sheesh...

Moleskine Mark-up Language Hack (essentially sub-dividing pages)

"Of course, all this is platform independent..." Of course it is! It's paper! We've had paper for ages! And people call me Captain Obvious... GOSH.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 04:45 PM

February 22, 2005

Gosh is the New Fuck

Flippin' sweet.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:23 PM

I'm Trying

I'm trying to distract myself on more positive things... But know that it will truly eat me alive inside until all is well... Anyway.

There's too much information out there! Delicious is too cool to let go of, and there's not enough time in the day or the world to browse it all... All the precious information... My precious...

I definitely want to be like Harper and have a jack in my brain. Downloading bundles of useful and useless things to know... I'd be the ultimate knowledge warrior. Mmm...

I am ultimately drowning. I just saw three more cool blogs... And it's just too awesome... I wanna be awesome.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 04:09 PM

It's Not Fair

Some things in life aren't fair. Dunno why.

But there have been these sappy messages on TV... Because, you know, now TV is my only friend... Gotta fight for those who can't fight for themselves.

And I thought I was bad.

Then perspective comes along and shows you something else... So if I'm not crazy as I think I am, then I have a job to do. And I will do that job. I will succeed, and be strong.

Gotta... Clean up my act some... You know. Just kinda... Drudge forward. Think about good things in life.

A cappella music...
HCI...
Knowledge...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:50 PM

Bad Person

I am *such* a bad person...

::weep::

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:16 PM

Less is More

That's it. That's the key to life, in my opinion.

I finished skimming GTD... I didn't read all the way through. I don't see the use. I just have to implement the system to feel its effects.

And so while I was laying down, hallucinating (dreaming), I kept thinking to myself... Less is more. How to accomplish more in less time...

Lower your standards. Or. Increase your accessibility.

There are all these moments in life where people don't think of doing work... But you should. Reading in the john. Learning things on the car radio. Random places. But most people just let those minutes slip away.

It's not possible to do more in the time that you're given without changing your style. You can't just change time. Time is constant, for as long as you interpret it in its discreet units.

You know who's the master of using time in a useful fashion? FOBs. That's right, Fresh Off the Boat predominantly Indian students at NJIT.

I was at this Chinese Choir thing... Dunno if I wrote about it before. Anyway, I was minding my own business waiting for the show to start when I saw this Chinese student studying! He photocopied a packet of notes and brought it with him to the show! Now that's love.

But see? How many of us would think to study all the time? Not many. Just this Chinese guy. I'm pretty sure he got an A in whatever class he was in. Neurobiology, whatever.

But that's it. That's the secret. Less is more. Just do more in places you wouldn't think of.

I was taking this idea to the extreme when I was telling Rich about... And I'm like. The shower. We could learn things in the shower! Umm... You just... Laminate. You laminate your sheet and bring it with you in the shower or just thought of it now... Post it on the wall. Yep, a few more minutes in your life to absorb knowledge.

Less. Is more.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:40 AM

Flickr as the New Google (Images)

Truth be told, I never used Flickr. But I've heard a lot about it.

Wanted to learn more about Moleskines... There they are. In Flickr. Mmm...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:14 AM

Moleskines as Time Machines

I don't really get the whole Moleskine craze... I mean, of course, reading about it makes me want one but...

Dude. We've had paper before.

And then now in the age of uber technology... People are using the word hack to describe their notebook? Please.

Don't think I'm not impressed. I'm sold. I'm on the train leaving for Boringville right now. But just think. It's... Just paper.

Either revolutions really need to have a time, place, and look... Or we are so inundated with technology that... Unplugging just seems so theraputic.

*sigh* I love notebooks too... I guess.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:59 AM

Mmm Pens

I do love my pens... Went out to Staples recently and scored big time. A while ago, I wrote about pens and which ones I love so dearly. So, my set of Pentel blue is here, all nice and shiny and twirlable. Mmm.

I love lamp.

I love pens, paper... Stationary. Organization.

So this kick is continuing, thanks to 43 Folders. The new rage is these Moleskine notebooks... I'm not gonna link to them because there are just so many links. And yes, it seems like an overrated notebook. Still reading to see how good they are.

But I have so much spare stationary, journals, and papers... I think any clean slate is a great creative environment. Mmm... Paper.

Haha. I love paper!

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:30 AM

February 21, 2005

The Height of Geek Fashion

GTD is the height of geek fashion right now...

Wow, so true.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:57 PM

Getting Things Done

So I'm going on this personal productivity kick, all because of this stupid book, Getting Things Done. I'm just kidding. It's not dumb. But I can't say it's good either. I haven't finished reading it yet, and it doesn't seem so revolutionary. Then again, people swear by it, and it's process over product. And you know me, hate that process.

And one sentence into reading this post, I'm like... What is it with people and personal productivity? Then, it dawned on me, in an MBTI kinda way, obviously. Personal productivity is about enhancing your self, as a tool. I mean, who wouldn't want to enhance themselves, that's human nature. But I know there are some more inclined to do this than others. And for NTs, being good at something, being good at who you are, or being one step closer to your dream self, that's important. And if personal productivity helps get you there and makes you feel good about yourself, then hot damn, that must be the way home.

Personal productivity. I'm hooked.

I always had an eye on that Franklin Covey guy... But it just seems like GTD (that's the hip way of abbreviating Getting Things Done. It makes me feel like I'm a part of the club) is the new blue.

And so is RSS!!! I thought it was such bullshit. But now I'm addicted! FeedDemon rocks my world because it totally stole the three-column newspaper idea from Microsoft Outlook... But stealing is good in this case. I love it. Mmm...

Must make software that looks like Outlook... Bleh... E-zombie...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:37 PM

Just Do It (or Gone in Sixty Seconds)

I'm halfway done reading this article by Steve Pavlina on overcoming procrastination.

One of the things he says is to, "Do it now!" I prefer "just do it", a phrase that we used in Senate... It really over came any obstacle we had. Procrastination? Just do it. Excuses? Just do it. Just. Do. It.

And he said something else about making decisions under pressure... I think the pressure makes your mind think harder about what it really wants. Adversity, crunch, pressure, it's all the same thing. It funnels your essence and makes you choose. I call that Gone in Sixty Seconds. If you only had sixty seconds to make this decision in front of you, what would it be? Ready... Go!

Posted by Mark Canlas at 09:18 PM

Shorts and Tights

You know how people wear t-shirts and like... A thermal? Or a long sleeve? Something?

What about shorts and tights... Hmm...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 02:05 PM

February 19, 2005

I Told You So

Now's a good a time as any to admit when I'm wrong. And you know me. Hate being wrong...

So yeah. In highsight, I'm sure saying "I Told You So" doesn't help anybody... It kicks a man when he's down and it strokes your ego, thus increasing the distance between the two parties. When I say it, all I want is for that other person to trust me, but pulling us apart doesn't aid that. So, no more I Told You So's?

From now on, cold, icy stares until you admit defeat. Promise. =)

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:20 PM

February 17, 2005

Things I Have to Pay For

Now that I'm growing up, I need to exactly how much I should be earning, to, you know, keep the man down. I'll try to sacrifice as much as I can to keep costs down, so no frivolous purchases.

Car payments
Car insurance
Car maintenance
Web hosting costs
Cell phone bill
(rent)
(food)

Posted by Mark Canlas at 06:06 PM

February 16, 2005

ANGER

WHAT IS IT WITH COMPANIES AND USING THE SAME SOUNDTRACK FOR THEIR COMMERCIALS? FIRST THE GAP AND INTEL OR WHATEVER AND NOW LOREAL AND GEICO!!! TECHNO IS FOR THE GECKO NOT FOR BEYONCE'S FAT HEAD

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:26 PM

I'm Drowning.

Ha, I love the title. I'm drowning, period.

I'M DROWNING IN A SEA OF INFORMATION AS:LKFJSD:G*O#Q!#

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:02 PM

Getting Things Done, Eventually

Wow, the more I look up INTJs and geeks and social software and information management, it feels like people can see right through me...

But the problem is, these are all Internet people. I've yet to find actual mortals who really get me, my jive if you will, without me having to explain it all. I hate explaining who I am since I just want to BE who I am, ya kno?

Posted by Mark Canlas at 08:47 PM

Wikis, Blogs, and Everything Two

Okay, I'm exhausted. That last entry with all the links, terrible... But I gotta say, my mind keeps gravitating to one concept, and I'll outline it here for you right now.

Ahh! But before I do that. I just thought of something. Are there any successful open blogs? Like... Blogs where anyone can post? Oh I just rememebered Metafilter... But that has a barrier. It has money involved! *gasp* I guess when it comes to popularity and bandwidth costs... Sure.

Wow, can't think of a good reason why the public should be able to blog... Might lead to abuse or something. Ugh...? I dunno. One person writes vastly less than a group of people... And blogs are already difficult to read because there's so much to click on! I guess we'll have to worry about scalability later...

Okay back to my idea. My idea is... To imitate Everything2. I don't even know that much about Everything2!!! But here's the premise. The atomic unit of wikis is the edit, and the atomic unit of blogs is the post. Those are clearly not equal. And these atomic units produce different structures, so therein lies the problem. We have to somehow make them interact.

Edits edit existing content... Content we call posts. And posts are accessed by time. So far so good. Blogs have a time-aware interface. But what about wikis? Wikis are topical. So we need topics... But at this point, I'm going to call topics nodeshells and posts write-ups. Definitely terminology from Everything2. The way I see it... Posts are just that. They're like blog posts and you can view them any which way. But every now and then, a post becomes sort of... A document. An essay. Something more rich than a write off. But it doesn't have to be! But if it does. If it does... Then it can belong to a nodeshell.

This is where the Everything2 kick comes in. More than one post can belong in a nodeshell. I'm not sure why, but that's just the way I've thought of it so far. Maybe... Like more than one view point about the same topic from different people. Or... A disambiguation.

Here I remember one of my biggest gripes about the Wikipedia. I hate hate HATE with a passion disambiguation pages. We call the store Target TARGET, know what I'm saying? We don't call it Target parenthesis store parens close. I just... Want all my Targets on one page. But that's just me.

There was a page on Everything2 that said one could theoretically make Everything2 a wiki by placing everybody at editor power level and that'd be it.

So what am I trying to accomplish? How can I run a blog site for myself and a wiki at the same time? Well, I still feel the need to step in and grant myself some blog-like powers... The public would be able to add/edit anything, but I'd put rampant deletion to a minimum somehow... Like maybe only give me the power to delete? Then I had to think of this whole Graveyard setup for dead posts, ugh, it's a mess...

I dunno. I value my knowledge and my thought process a lot. I guess that's the allure to blogs. It crystalizes what I know and makes you read it. But if it's wiki content, then it runs the risk of... Being edited away. And I certainly don't want that.

So I've thought of adding a purity feature to posts. If I post something, unedited, then you know for sure it's me. But if someone... Touches the post, it gains a badge. Warning the public that we're not sure what changed, but I definitely didn't approve it.

And speaking of approval, there's user access levels... On wikis, there are no users, there are no editors, since all is nothing. There are just equal people who have different roles. But on my system, I see myself having some sort of power to approve edited posts and remove the badges. You know, like, I see you correcting my spelling mistakes, and I approve.

I dunno. There are still things to hash out... Like what comments are, exactly. In wikis, comments are content. They're so inline, it bothers me. But in blogs, comments are external. They're on a different plane than posts. And that, from a wiki standpoint, bugs me too. Sucks. I'm trying to think of this whole inline comments system for posts, but it's a mess too. Comments could be Simple Appends to a post... Comments could also be new writeups! But Everything2 discourages snippy commentary as entirely new writeups. Because writeups heavily aim to be articles. And quick comments under any nodeshell really doesn't help. And that assumes that we're in a nodeshell! See, it's a mess.

How would somebody comment on an individual post... Maybe both. If post, append. If nodeshell, create new article.

That's all I got so far. There it is. Nearly everything I've thought about for the union of a wiki and a blog. Hope it's of use to someone as it was to me.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:41 PM

February 15, 2005

Quality of Child Rearing as a Function of Race

I don't exactly know how to Google this, so I'm just going to talk about it.

Admittedly, it all started when I was watching Super Nanny. I know, I know, it's a silly show. But it got me thinking, or affirming really. I'd drop kick bomb any of these runts if they were my children. And speaking of children and the possessive...

Oh and by the way, I'm not really trying to be racist. Or maybe I am. I like to call it... Racially aware. Anyway.

The families I've seen on Super Nanny were white. Although I haven't watched the show that much, I can pretty much guess that there won't be any Chinese or Korean families on that show any time soon. Dishonor comes to mind if any Asian family was caught having that kind of discipline problem running the household. I mean, these kids were monsters, and I'd resort to physical abuse to discipline them (starvation, etc).

So it got my entire family thinking. Because this is what we do at the dinner table. Talk about reality families. How Elaine is so crazy or how... Kelly was the best idol.

No blacks, no Mexicans, no Asians...

If a kid threw a tantrum in a black family, he'd get hit.

If a kid threw a tantrum in a Mexican family, he'd be ignored or burnt out by his own stupidity. Or hit.

If a kid threw a tantrum in an Asian family, he either won't eat, or get hit, ninja style. You'd feel it in your pressure points.

So there you have it. Minority parents. The kings of successful child rearing.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 07:34 PM

Every Day is a Struggle

Every day is a struggle. I can feel myself slipping away, slowly... And then coming back. Slipping away, slowly... And then coming back.

Can't live this way.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:12 PM

February 13, 2005

Afflicted With.

Afflicted with. Eternal heartache. And a lesser form of insanity. Destined to stay quiet and rot from the inside... Out.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:57 PM

February 12, 2005

Psychotherapy

Seething, burning, festering... Increasing the need for psychotherapy. Someone tell me... Why is it so very easy... Very very easy. It comes with ease. To just turn around and never look back. I don't care. I don't want to care. Just all go away. And yes, there are multiple methods of making everything go away.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:53 PM

February 11, 2005

Time in Garfields

When I was younger, I used to measure time in a unit I now refer to as Garfields. A two-part episode of Garfield was thirty minutes... So every time a family member would call me out of my shell, I would lament about how much Garfield I'm missing. Garfield, the funny orange cartoon cat. A quick trip to Ride-Aid: one Garfield. A trip to the mall: a whole set of Garfields, at least four. The whole marathon would be up by the time we got back.

And don't even get me started on the one time I came home... I expected Super Mario Brothers to play at four o'clock, or what have you. And one day, it stopped. I almost cried.

Even as an adult, I still measure time in units of TV. Being alone an all, TV is my only social outlet. And, as I thought about it... The TV guide is a ... not good... but... suitable replacement for my once rigorous schedule. Adam nailed it right on the head when he mentioned how difficult it would be for me to adjust from total schedule to none at all. I am a Judger after all.

Here, I can outline for you my entire day, starting later than 10, because I don't wake up before 10, in TV. The View (gotta watch something), The Screen Savers, Star Trek: The Next Generation x 2, Rocko's Modern Life, (something else), Andromeda, Totally Spies, and then cartoon until cows fly. If my mom comes home, then it's Filipino drama all the way, and then maybe Game Ka Naba? (Game Na!) Then, prime time... Well, it's all about prime time.

There you go. Still thinking about my life in fictional units of time based off of television. Silly? Sure. Useful? Extremely. Sad? Totally. Carpal tunnel? Setting in quickly.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 06:00 PM

February 10, 2005

Man Seeks Enlightenment via Buns

One of my favorite foods in dim sum are these buns, and I've been trying to Google it but to no avail... A lot of Chinese buns are these white, fluffy kinds and those are exactly the ones I dispise. The one I want looks like this, under Baked BBQ Pork Buns. This page cleared it all up for me, explaining that there are two types of cha siu bao, or pork bun, baked and steamed.

There's just something about the bread that I love... It's the bread I'm after. The pork's good, but the bread is even better. It's round and squishy... And it just makes me think of anime. Like when anime or cartoon characters eat... It's just simple food. That's why I'm also thinking... Screw upscale restaurants. They don't know what food is. Clearly. Clearly. =) Always small portions... What ever happened to a nice piece of bread and some squishy, tender, saucy meat. And no, no crunchy bread. No dry bread. No Italian bread and no French bread. Squishy, baked, Chinese buns. Exactly the way it should be.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:27 PM

So Needy

Wow... Thinking about it just makes it worse... I really need someone. Badly. I think I need counseling...

Just someone to talk to. To keep up with me. Sad to say I look at my buddy list (umm, cuz, yeah, that's how I keep up with people, sad also) and I don't see anyone that I could really talk to. For anything. I mean, talk to about whining about nothing. Maybe one person. But he's off in a different country right now so there's not much to that.

Running out... Always running out of options... More and more, being backed into a corner and all I wanna do is fly away. Ugh... Need to get everything off my chest and out of my mind. Preferably onto someone, but I don't have that luxury. Which is why I'm whining now... Ugh, I hate this.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:30 AM

I Wish I Had a Place

I with I had a place to just unload all my thoughts on... Like a person who would just listen to me and maybe give me advice. Friends don't count because I have to play all cool with them. Can't let them know that I'm going crazy...

The world is a very, very rough place. True, there are those that make it all hopefull and tasty... But I dunno. I just want to vent. And vent all day long... Until it hurts. To just whine and complain and tire myself out... Without repercussion. No embarassment or people thinking that I'm actually crazy...

I was wondering. Maybe if I act like Commander Data, completely void of emotion. I'd never be angry. But shucks, I'd never be happy. I'd never be vengeful, and I'd never be upset or what have you. More and more I'm just convincing myself that this two-sided coin of life is better left as no coin at all. There's not much in the world that's worth the hurt.

So I guess I'll just have to keep writing and meditating... That's all I can do, for now. Until I find a different sort of outlet. Or until I find a source of happiness. Or until I make my way back home...

But the more I think about how I'm acting, the more it reminds me of how unfit I am to interact with people. Unfortunately for me, this is not a world of isolation. Everything I do affects someone, so ignorance or non-action really isn't an option. Too bad, I wish it was.

Well, there's always that one thing to toy around with... But then again, it's not much of a toy. It's just it. The end.

Man, I wish I could just... Waste away... Somewhere safe... And comfortable. Preferably intellectually challenged, but still away from it all... Away from all the worry, the stupidity, the stress...

Maybe I'm lacking something. Maybe I'm lacking something real big. Maybe I need to engage in some hard core drugs. I mean, that's what people do right? If they can't lay out their impressions on something positive, there it goes, right into the addiction...

So I'm going to grow up single, alone, miserable, drug-addicted... Fun fun fun.

I feel like spiraling downward is the only direction I know how to go. Jeez, how do I make a constructive ride about going downward...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:20 AM

February 09, 2005

Exercise in Relativity

I really... Really need an anger management class or a severe exercise in relativity... I'm getting all blown up for nothing. I should read a book or something. Or clean my room. Shut off the TV. Meditate some.

I need to drive. To fly away. From it all.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 08:55 PM

February 08, 2005

All for One and One for All!

So if I keep the TV shut off... Maybe I can get more done. Music on!!!

So the title of this quote is something that the Three Musketeers might say. I've yet to read that book... But I'm actually looking for a quote. It sounds like... What happens to one happens to all, for what happens to all happens to one.

It's like... Let's pretend I'm member of a band of merry thieves (and I am). And... One thief is locked away and jailed or whatever. Is at some sort of disadvantage. It is up to us, as his fellow brothers in thievery, to save him. What happens to one, happens to all. Mess with one thief, you mess with us all.

Now the contrary... Didn't sound so good the way I put it. But I think it's like... If the whole band of thieves was subject to some political sweep... We could very well, as individuals ignore it, but that's would be very hard core of us. So, we should take it upon ourselves, as individuals, to address said problem as a group. What happens to all happens to one.

All for one and one for all.

So much easier.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:37 PM

February 07, 2005

Children = Suck

Wow, watching one episode of Super Nanny made me think... Children? Useless. I would stab/kill any one of them if they threw a temper tantrum at me like that. Brats.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:40 PM

Of My Own Place

I'm dreaming I'm dreaming I'm dreaming I'm dreaming...

That's all I seem to do nowadays.

I'm dreaming of what it'd be like to live on my own. I wouldn't really have a home. Home is... Something else. "Home is where the heart is." *bleh*

John reminded me that I might have a roomate. *gasp* I'm going to have to be civil with somebody. But, in the monetary sense, whatever keeps the bills down, right?

So... What else keeps the bills down. Not having a TV. Shallow research has told me that TV fulfills the same part of human satisfaction that face to face interaction does. Hence, when people say they grew up with the Brady Bunch with Alice as their baby sitter, that's pretty much possible if not true.

I won't have a TV. I don't want one. A computer is enough for me. TV is just a big waste of time... Except for watching cool things like Farscape, Star Trek, and Andromeda. But even then... It's time sucking abilities aren't worth it.

And speaking of worth it... It's seemingly Borg-like the way everything in life comes down to a cost-benefit ratio... So when people say, 'tis better to have loved and loss than to never have loved at all... I'm almost willing to say ignorance is bliss. Now, some might argue I don't know what love is, and that's true. But substitute that phrase for something else and we've got a winner. I don't think much of anything in this world is really worth... Pain. Like, it'll have to be worth it in the end. Don't be leaving a sour taste in my mouth. Again, all about cost-benefit...

So, in this... Hypothetical own place of mine, I'd have nothing. I'd have almost no material possession of which to speak. Material possessions are for the weak and those who like to carry their crap around. My eternal mission is to sift through all of my files, condense them into cyber space, and just... Live. In the mind. Live anywhere at any time. With no concern for... Petty material things. And all this... Sparked simply because I don't like moving around. And trust me. Regardless of how rare moving in and out of an abode is... It's just not worth it. Lugging around anything is not worth it at all. It's the price of upkeep, a philosophy I've yet to write about.

EDIT: I forgot to mention the significance of completely dropping my enthusiasm for television (wow, I should totally start by wheening myself off of it here at home...). I want to become an audiophile. I want a recording studio the way an amateur photographer wants a dark room. I want to be on the radio, or at least develop this vocal confidence that certain individuals evoke. I want to sing. I want to listen to music. I want music to fill the air and fill my life. Lotsa a cappella...

I might want to teach. I could easily imagine myself teaching a group of high schoolers a cappella. And in no way is that depressing. Very surprising to me. So, I have to balance being a corporate ninja and keeping all of my dreams in check... Probably a very tall order. But I'd be very happy. And very single... But still. Very happy. I'd totally give it all up to have... Achievement. To do great things in the world. Who needs an SO. Totally overrated. Just ruins everything. So my scientific methodical Spidey sense tells me...

Boom, beem da, boom, beem da... Spider man...

Clocks really knows how to hit the sweet spot. Maybe I have a musical note for every mood... Or maybe I should just start smoking pot and really mellow out...

Not need. As many things in the world are. Ultra minimalist. Gotta be.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 08:17 PM

February 02, 2005

Eulogy

Holy crap, dude, what happened to Mark? One day he just up and lost it.

Yeah. But he always insisted, you had to see it coming...

So what? He looked fine to me.

Well, not to those who knew him the best. Crazy, unstable psychopath is more like it....

Posted by Mark Canlas at 08:44 PM

Bad. Bad. Definitely Definitely Bad.

You know those weird, creepy people that are curled up into a ball and rock back and forth and back and forth and repeat a phrase like, "Never again. Never ever again..."

That's me!!!

Posted by Mark Canlas at 06:39 PM

Teterboro Crash

So this thing happened today. And I'm trying to learn something from it... Trying to stand tall and be brave and tell myself it's not just another thing.

But it is just another thing... Even though I learned a little bit more about myself.

Just gonna... Lock myself away... Forever... And let the water wash over me.

Water is great. Water tastes great. It's so filling. Really stings the nostrils.

Oh man, I'm never going to grow up...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:40 AM

Vicious Cycle

Before I start, an aside. I was listening to some of my workstation MP3s, and I realized I haven't been exposing myself to a proper balance of music. Maybe that has something to do with my mood. Because I know I love a cappella. And if there's anything in the world that can pull me out of the darkness, it's the sound of the voice. Anyway.

Mark has terrible, misguided, misunderstood youth (supposedly).
Mark enters college and has a fun but difficult time making friends.
Mark reads psychobabble on personality types.
Mark realizes the source of his misunderstood youth via said psychobabble.
Mark abandons the lessons of his true friends.
Mark commits to a life of insanity, using said psychobabble to justify his thoughts and feelings.
Mark is locked away at home, with psycho mind disease to fester insde and explode.

Ugh, well, this isn't a cycle... But it's in there somewhere. Mark has weird thought, Mark defends it. And that's the part that repeats. It's like I refuse to take responsibility for my actions... How should I learn to regain a part of myself when I partly understand that so much of my living is just continually having difficulty interacting with people. Hmm...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:15 AM

January 31, 2005

Seamus Zelazny Harper, ENTP

"I just fix things. This whole empathy thing..." Classic NT.

E is for extroversion. And P just because he's... Clever. Clever like Al, clever like Vin, CLEVER LIKE A FOX!!! LOL...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 04:14 PM

Enthusiam, Very Appealing

"I find enthusiasm very appealing--sexy even." True, true, true. (Yanked from a message board.)

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:20 PM

January 30, 2005

Everybody Loves Validation

Everybody loves validation. It's what we live for, psychologically. So, via some twisted sort of logic (I'm too lazy to learn all of them by name, haha), everyone must hate invaliation.

You wouldn't understand.

Or... It's not that big of a deal.

You're acting way out of proportion.

Man, who are you to say things like that? To hysterical people, everything is normal. Everything is nuclear at this point. Everything is very serious. Veerry seeerious...

I dunno. What way is there to communicate with an illogical or a hysterical man? Act upon hysterics? Hope your foundation in the calm will ease the raging torrent? I dunno. Certainly can't battle an illogical man with logic...

So they say on TV: a tool that behaves the same way every time is much too brittle.

My goodness! So you're saying that computers, without some moderately complex randomizing function, are inherently brittle or golly gosh, useless?

I dunno anymore. But Frank did make me feel better. Thanks Frank.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:44 PM

The Golden Rule is Shit

The Golden Rule is Shit. (While thinking of a title, I thought of that Googlism thing... Blah blah is. Blah blah is. The Golden Rule is. What is the Golden Rule?)

I say this because... I have difficulty interacting with people. And my primary defense to all these accounts of offense seems to be... That's the way I wish people would treat me. Do I really? Do I really?

I dunno. I certainly know that I wouldn't like people to sugar coat things. People have a tendency to... I dunno. Lie to your face. I mean, I'm no saint, and I've lied plenty of times... But this is different. I'm asking for your opinion and I don't expect you to hold back.

So what is it that I've learned about other people and their asking for your opinion? Number one, not everybody wants to know everything. Apparently people take heavily to criticism, especially when it isn't requested. So, rule for me, just don't say anything. Silly mortals. I'm criticizing you because you're my friend. Only a real friend would call you shit to your face.

Number two, people don't take criticism in a way I think is constructive. So look, I'm not going to listen to you unless you prove to me that you know more or can do more than I can. Or that you understand my situation better than I do on my own. People are like... Oh so it takes so and so to do it and you don't listen to me? Of course not! You're not an expert.

But then. When people ask me... I expect you to listen and follow. Jeez, don't ask me for my opinion unless you actually want it. Now I'm starting to see a pattern here... It's... A double standard. People should follow me and I don't follow them. But I think I'm justified here. I think I hold some authority on certain technical matters... I certainly don't mess around with matters of the heart. So my double standard here is justified. I think. Relative contexts if you will.

I don't know where I'm going with this. But all I can resolve in my insanity is that the golden rule simply isn't it. I for one would like people to be honest with me. So, I give them my flavor of honesty. And I'm not returned with anything of substance. Henceforth, nobody will get anything from me ever.

Such terrible things to say, I know. But how else am I supposed to live? Just an unending cycle of disappointment at the world, especially the people in it. People are the worst.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:27 PM

January 29, 2005

Love Hate Anger Love Cycle

I love you because there's something special between us that I want to cultivate.

I don't like you because there's some part of you that's annoying and I didn't know that at the time that we started to become friends.

We are best friends! Because our friendship remains steadfast even through our differences!

Look, you are really getting on my nerves. I can't believe you would do this to your best friend! What the fuck?

I love you so much. I don't know what I would do without you. You complete me... ::gag::

You are really pissing me off! You know what, I never want to speak to you again! (Anger is love disappointed. It's weird how in this point in the cycle, somebody would make such a bold wish to never speak to the person with whom they've invested so much time, especially these cyclic tribulations.)

I can't believe we fought... I love you. I really do. And I'm sorry for all the mean and nasty things I said about you over the intercom...

And then I don't know what happens at this point. Does love stablize? People say that a heatlhy relationship is not one without fights. That is, the "perfect" relationship is none at all. So, if love doesn't really settle, and anger or resentment comes back, why doesn't it just consume the two? (or three, but that will be another discussion)

There seems to be this underflowing current... Stronger than the two parties involved, such that love will indeed triumph in the end. But again, why not anger. Why not hate. Maybe, because anger is a function of love.

Anger is love dissappointed.

Take out the semantical adjective and you get...

Anger is love.

Can someone ever be angry at a subject for which they have no feelings for?

I'm trying to think. You're angry at a burgler for keying up your car...

You love your car and you love society's seemingly safe stability, and you are... Disappointed that your car had to be a victim of one of society's outliers?

You are angry at the person who killed your significant other in cold blood.

Maybe it's displaced love. You have no where or no one to whom you can channel your love. Hence, love disappointed.

I can't love my lover, so I'll just have to hate you.

I'm angry at all the popular kids, so I want to nuke them with a nuclear nuking thing.

But I love the school so much, including the pretty girl with the hair that smells like cinnamon. I just wanted to do well. But those jocks wouldn't let me. So they have to die...

Anger is love disappointed.

Anger is love.

Quite a difficult equation to follow. All I know is that I'm frequently frustrated with my friends. But I don't understand. Friends don't want to be treated this way... And yet in my defense, I somehow ask for people to treat me in some way that I justify as being friends. Such a tall order. Again, I still feel that... In the end, I'm the outlying variable in this grand equation that we call life. There will never be another me. And I'll have to spend my whole life wondering what other people are thinking. Nothing I hate more than seeing a person just work himself out with no apparent problems to the world. I have my flaws. You should have yours.

End transmission.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:07 PM

I doubt anyone would say having a gushy heart is of benefit. Iron heart it is, then.

Moderation? That's for moderate, ordinary people. I'm no ordinary person, right?

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:13 PM

January 28, 2005

No Promises

I guess the only promise I can make is no promise. Sorry, guys.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 07:54 PM

January 27, 2005

That's the Way You Debate

Just got off the phone... And I feel great! It's like I made the sale! Now I know how excited, salespeople feel.

That's the way you do it! That's the way you debate!!!

Posted by Mark Canlas at 05:08 PM

Au Revoir

Bye, Rich. I'm gonna miss you greatly. From the bottom of my heart.

Come back soon.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:28 PM

January 26, 2005

Dreams

The last two dreams I've had were very scenario-esque... Now that I think about it, which dreams aren't? One about... Physics or airplanes or radio signals. I just didn't study or finish my assignment. So I had to bomb the test. And the other... Just... Asking for advice. Just hanging out and wallowing... Or drifting away in that fuzzy feeling you get inside.

I wish I could wallow. All day long... Not in happiness... Maybe not even in anger. Because we know from all those happy feel good cartoons that anger isn't it... But there's weird sense that I have. Things that make me feel good. Things that take my breath away... Things that... Make you try. Three times even. Things that let all of lives cares and sorrows melt away...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:32 AM

January 25, 2005

Open Source

The best therapy I can think of for myself is to let go... The whole community over self thing... Knowledge seeking. Without ego. Whoa, maybe I'm a communist.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 04:43 PM

Crimes Against Humanity

For your crimes against humanity, you are hereby sentenced to a life of repression, for so long as your Warden's constitution shall stand (which isn't very long).

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:43 PM | Comments (1)

Dr. Jekyl

I feel like Dr. Jekyl... Yeah, mostly Dr. because Mr. Hyde isn't a scientist. He's the beast right?

I also feel like a drug addict. Whether it's this or that, it's always like, c'mon, just one more hit, then I'll stop. It's the mental game of addiction... Scary stuff.

Why can't I be one of those retards who's addicted to life or love?

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:08 AM

January 24, 2005

Tranquiziler

It's like a tranquilizer... *sniff*

Pretty much the only thing that calms me down.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:39 PM

No Idea is Un-Entertainable

I don't know if it's just me feeding myself all this MBTI NT garbage... But one description of an NT is that any idea is one that can be thought about. Ideas are ideas. Ideas are fun. Supposedly, Frank, Al, and Vin should be the same way.

Now my question is... Let's say there's an idea I'm juggling. And... Let's say we adopt the philosophy of... If it's good, it's good. And I'm juggling this idea. And it sounds good. Should I pursue it? Or should I just keep it an idea? Like, will the novelty wear off? I don't know when the breaking point of novelty is. I don't want to be one of those dummies that buys something, and then doesn't use it. But I've done that already (Japanese), haha...

The only breaking point that I've wanted for is buying my voice recorder. I mean, how long will pain be until we fully adopt an idea...? Which leads me into a later thought of raging against the machine and being a champion and leading a revolution... Is the rebel faction just an annoyance or do they really have a point? I'm trying to think of some mathematical way to explain it, and the only thing I have is... That...

Optimists, champions, and crazy people... They have an infinite supply of energy that cannot be explained... That is what fuels the rebellion. Till their last faint faltering breath.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 02:59 PM

Self-Destructive Behavior

Why would anybody engage in self-destructive behavior... Running themselves on a pathway to oblivion... Maybe because it feels good? But, I mean, really, does it feel good to waste way? Maybe it does...

But all these short term gains... How can anyone survive. Do we not have dreams?

I have dreams.

But I'm also lazy. And I'm running low... I'm thinking... I'm think the same. I still think that certain things in life, however inevitable they may seem, are still stupid. A very futile fight, some may say. But, I also know that running low... I need a friend. Or something. At outlet. A connection.

I'm slowly dying on the inside... Losing my sanity and all grip on reality. I was gonna say Lord knows but that wouldn't make any sense. Someone knows... If I make it out of this, I may never come back.

Always forward, never back. Never always.

Ugh... Mind hurting.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:42 PM

January 22, 2005

Heero Yuy, the Mad Scientist

Is my favorite Gundam guy a nutball like me? Let's play the make it fit game!!!

He's a quiet guy. Introvert, check.

He's... More cold than anything. Thinker, check.

Here's where it gets dicey.

Ouch, well he doesn't seem socially awkward... And he is well grounded. So, Sensor. Beh...

And lastly, Judger. For the man who drives things to completion. Check.

ISTJ. Sucks. I think a lot of mad scientist type people that I accuse... They're really ISTJs. I mean, it's really easy to spot the introverted thinker... Some are more decisive than others. Others, more care free (Seamus Harper?). I guess I really wish I could relate to everyone better... Why relate when they can just be me? =)

I think I'm confusing introverted thinking with introverted conceptuality... I mean, there's not much of a difference. And I think I'm also confusing dreaming and optimism with complete idealism. That is the one pair that I never got... Only Rich, Danny, George, JC, etc. etc... Wow, such a long list. Only they'll ever know what it's like to look at the world with the most rose-colored of gloshes. Meh.

Heero: ISTJ
Duo: ESFP
Trowa: ISXX
Quatra: INFX
Wufei: ISFJ

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:54 AM

January 17, 2005

Can Mark Come Out to Play?

I've always loved that phrase. I think mostly because I didn't grow up that way. Or maybe I did, I just never exposed myself to that kind of crowd... But now it feels like that. I have cohorts. Brothers if you will.

Every time somebody calls me or IMs me and I have to break the news to them (not the real news, just the situation) I feel... I dunno. Really heart broken that I can't spend time with my brothers. Especially today. Or any day. But in the Taoist sense, especially today. I keep promising myself that tomorrow will be a brighter day. Some people would be unsatisfied with such a statement. They would insist that I seize the day now. But I'm in no position to ... Go to such ... Extreme lengths for so short a visit.

Do I value my friends any less? No. I just... I'm reserved. And I have to keep trudging along... And I promise, once I get my feet wet, I'll be there to support everybody the way I want to. For now... It's just me, locked away... In cage. The only thing I can promise you right now is nothing. I don't want to promise anybody anything. Which is why sometimes it's easier to be a shut-in than anything else.

But I will never be seperated from my brothers. Ever.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:01 PM

January 16, 2005

Of Mad Scientists

Having since taken the MBTI tests and analyzing everybody into the ground, I've developed a sort of empathy for mad scientist character types... I'm watching Smallville and there's this twisted girl who's stalking Lana and wants to be her bestest friend. And I can somehow relate. It's really scary.

And then that one time when I was watching the Incredibles? The kid who got rejected and eventually became the ultra villain? Yeah, that's me one day.

I'm afraid that with all this matching, I'll turn into this crazy evil scientist and betray all of my friends and such. Just burn them at the way side for some crazy dream... I would hope that I'm sensible enough to keep them alive in my grand dream.

So anyway. In Good Company. Very odd movie. Topher Grace has a mild lazy eye... And his character was at least an NT. A thinker, cold to his wife. A dreamer, somewhat optimistic. And obsessed with being that ninja assassin. Maybe an introvert... Not too outspoken. Maybe a judger! Combine those all together and you get a soft-spoken, emotionally guarded ass hole! Yes! And Dennis Quaid... At least an SJ. I mean, all that talk about "I've been working here for N many years!" Such attention to detail and duty. Bleh bleh bleh... And the daughter, maybe an NF. They liked to talk. Her role was to love. Meh.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:34 PM

January 13, 2005

Serge's Swallow

Again, just publishing my thoughts to help Google and help myself...

The swallow was a weapon used by the character Serge in the video game Chrono Cross.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:59 AM

January 12, 2005

Of Singing and Technology

Interest (or should I call it love?) is infectious... It consumes me. Whenever I hear a cappella music, I think of all the lost opportunities of joining and starting a cappella groups... Of how maybe one day I could become a music teacher. Or join a community choir at the very least. Whenever I read about blogs and wikis, my mind starts to race... That I could save the Information Overload Wars... That I'd be the digital champion of the day and age.

Ugh... But I have none of that. I just have me. Stuck at home. Nope, I got it right the first time. Suck at home.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 07:29 PM

Update: I finally grew a pair and used UPDATE statements in SQL to close all the comments and publish all of my old entries. SUCK IT SPAMMERS. SUCK IT HARD. And you know what's stupid? They won't read this because they don't even come to my site, just their bots. So if you want to leave me some love, just e-mail me. What's my e-mail address? I dunno. I'm afraid if I put it up somewhere, it'll get blasted. We'll see. I'll probably put it on the left side once I start fooling around with the template.

Ugh... I'm at a stand still. I don't want to answer my e-mail, I don't want to watch TV, I just want to sleep... But I'm expecting a very important phone call. So I should do the professional thing and not sleep.

Geez! How can I grow up and be lazy at the same time...? Maybe they were right. Maybe the secret to life is having fun when you're young, because being a geezer is just... Bad.

I dunno. I don't value youth for the sake of having fun... I value youth for rare achievement. That is, I like it when big things are done by relatively young people. I really love the idea of child prodigies. Not the social outcast ones, but the useful, cool ones. Oh and by the way, I still hate children. Babies. Immature kids. No use but to cry and annoy.

I've always thought of myself as the youngest of the bunch... The youngest brother, the youngest this, the youngest that... And now with the new class, I'm... The oldest, I guess. Ugh! That's terrible. And in 812, I'm the second oldest. That's retarded. I hate you guys.

And now I'm all growed up... I guess I'm still young. I want to keep it that way. I wanted to accomplish big things... But now that I'm confronted with the harsh reality of... Sitting at home and realizing how incapable I am, I can't do anything. The only thing I have left to do is fly away. Get a job, make enough money, and just scamper into the forest, never to return. Only then can I truly begin my plans of world domination, at the sacrifice of being early and youthful. *sniff* What am I gonna do...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:08 PM

January 09, 2005

Mapping the Queer Eyes to the Planet Guys

So I have this new mind philosophy thing about mapping... And when we have five for five, a la Power Rangers, that's just yelling for a mapping (like the elements of Feng Shui). So here we have the Queer Eye Guys and Captain Planet's Planeteers. I was going to run through each of them but only one pair matters, and that's Jai and Ma-Ti. They're both useless! How many times have you watched Queer Eye and wondered what his role is? They made fun of it on Mad TV. I wonder if he is worried about his job security. I mean the first culture guy got booted. And then Ma-Ti. How many times have you watched Captain Planet and was like, "Damn, Ma-Ti! Do something useful!" Remember that episode with the Gauntlets of Conquest? Who didn't take the bait? Ma-Ti! How can you amplify being a wuss and the ability to talk to your monkey? Spank it!

So before I did all of the tiring work of pairing them up, I decided to consult the oracle, Google. And here's the answer!

Only the Planeteers for the 21st century will be the Queer Eye guys:

Kwame - Thom Filicia, with the power of earth tones and masking tape.
Wheeler - Kyan Douglas, with the power of not shaving against the grain.
Linka - Carson Kressley, with the power of couture.
Gi - Ted Allen, with the power of really expensive grocery stores.
Ma-Ti - Jai Rodriguez, neither Jai nor the original have any powers, other than to annoy.

Combining their powers, they form the new, metrosexual Captain Planet, who fights for the environment and baby seals.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 05:02 PM

January 08, 2005

As I adopt new freedoms and take to the road, I grow more confused as to what there is to the world.

Is it my comrades? Is it my brothers? Is it the pursuit and revere of knowledge? Is it every episode of Fullmetal Alchemist? Is it my first Yuengling? Is it the daily dive? Is it the Puritan fight? Is it the soul-less existence? Is it the absence which makes the heart grow fonder? Is it the fitness and the rigor? Is it the test and the challenge?

Is it my blue hair? My motorcycle? My tongue-piercing? My new Armani suit and fly crib?

Is it love and peace of mind...? Is it the burning hate that will or willn't be extinguished?

Is it the question?

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:14 AM

January 06, 2005

On a Classical Sort of Intellectual Discourse

While reading about the Wikipedia, I had a thought, not a new one, but one that's been lingering, as all thoughts have. One of Wikipedia's strength in reliability, where noise overcomes signal and spam clogs bandwidth. And so I'm left with signal vs. noise philosophies and various spam-fighting techniques in the modern day.

I want to discuss it. I want to discuss it with someone. How would I make my project, the WikiLog, immune to noise? There are so many jerks out there who just want to... I dunno, destroy things. But what is it they actually want... Attention right? Hmm... Don't know what else to do. I don't want to think about it now.

My catalyst for writing this was one of worry and at-a-lossness... I wanted to discuss this amazingly abstract idea with someone and I immediately clicked right to my buddy list... But then I felt lost. I felt like I had no one to talk to about these sorts of things. None of my friends. Either worthy of a discussion or patient enough with me to listen.

But Mark, of course we're willing to listen! We're your friends!

I know that. But I don't want someone to listen to me, I want someone to produce knowledge with me. To reflect with me, to argue with me, to analyze with me.

Wait, did you just say we're not worthy? Are you calling us stupid!?

See, that's not what I said. I'm just estimating in my right that no one would provide enough satisfactory feedback. This is just another one of those I'm right moments... Because if I wanted to prove you wrong, I would ask what your opinion on the signal vs. noise philosophy is in the context of anonymous online contributions. And you would say noise sucks. And I would say that I'm unsatisified.

So what happens now? Are you mad at me that I'm correct? Or do I still have to remind you that I, myself, as the knowledge seeker, am still the in the same rut? I feel bad, you feel bad, and the whole situation just smells bad.

And so I ask eveyrone and no one. Where are my mind mates? Where are those who would challenge me on this level that I have when listening to trance music and dreaming of the perfect information management tool...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:09 PM

January 04, 2005

Trust and Respect: Given or Earned?

So I'm watching Star Trek: TNG and Lieutenant Worf says something like, "Trust must be earned, not given away." And immediately, I'm trying to think of what personality trait would mention trust. At first I thought it was Thinking or Judging, since that seems to be a very cold combination. I'd assume that people who say that trust must be earned are very distrustful of most people, as am I.

There's this one guy that comes to mind, he's an ISTJ, but what struck me the most about getting to know him is his nature of trust. He gives everyone a chance. It's all 100% first and downhill from there. Me, I'm the opposite. Everyone might as well be a zero or a negative, because you're not getting anything out of me. But the thing is, we're both IXTJ, so how does that help me? Maybe, I think, this is one of the rare cases where he's really part Feeler on this trust issue (since I imagine trust to be a very touchy feely kind of thing) or that maybe personality types can't outline what I'm asking for.

So what do we do in this day and age as Generation Next? Google it! I Googled for "trust earned given" for people's opinions on whether trust should be earned or given. Which bleeds into respect. I think they're very similar in how they are handled.

This Kenpo Thoughts Forum has the following:

I voted for earned, for thats the way i feel about it. I feel that respect comes from ones ability and or actions. This is not to say i will not give one the chance to earn my respect. Take RickM for example (my kenpo instructor) he earned my initial respect by, basically showing he cared about the art, and he cared about his students.

I don't think i could just give somebody respect, because, this may sound a little harsh, some people don't deserve it, and by earning respect, you get more then just respect, you get trust.

And here's something that yells Feeler:

I'm going to go with given.

I think we should all have faith in people - kind of like innocent until proven guilty - you have a certain amount of respect from me unless you turn out to be a jerk and then you lose it. On the other hand, turn out to be really helpful and you gain even more.

I guess they all agreed to disagree that in order to have a healthy interaction with someone, there must be some given, but not enough to make you uncomfortable. With this amount of trust/respect, it is up to that individual to cultivate or waste it.

Ugh, I found this other thread, it's the second Google hit, but I'm so ughed by it I don't feel like citing it. It has this woman talking about her trust issues! I'm surprised because I would never do that. Or even if I did already, I don't like doing it. I don't like talking about my issues. I'd rather be misunderstood all my life and keep not talking about it, waiting for someone to have a psychic moment with me or just read more about the personality types. Talking about one's issues is retarded. Just... Whatever.

Here's another forum:

For me, respect is mostly on character. If they look out for their subordinates as well as their superiors I feel that they deserve much respect due to their selflessness and good character. I don't base respect because they outrank me or they have their picture on a piece of wood. That is meaningless to me. "Give respect to earn respect" is a motto that I've lived with all my life. I feel I deserve respect from nobody until I have shown them enough respect. Some people ask, "How do you know if you've given enough respect?" Their character. A free spirit shows that they are a respectable person. Someone who is greedily requesting respect deserves none.

From that last sentence, I must deserve no respect at all. My actions are terrible. I genuinely think I'm a terrible example of life. And all my dwelling and thinking are... I dunno. I know someone out there, if I confided in them, would say, hey, you're not so dramatic. There are way many more people worse off than you. Think of the tsunami victims!

Well, yeah! Obviously! Shut up! I know that. But we're talking about me here. Selfish, spoiled, American. Me me me.

I love this guy (emphasis mine)

I'd need to disagree on that one about not deserving respect. Everyone deserves a certain degree of respect simply by virtue of existance. This level of respect essentially extends to not interfering in their lives unnecessarily and showing common courtesy that we should be able to expect from anyone on the street. More respect is earned by being a decent human being, caring for other people, showing respect for other people, demonstrating trustworthyness. Respect is lost by being an asshat.

Well, that's ever me.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 04:28 PM

December 30, 2004

The Same Old Sci-Fi

So I'm flipping through the channels, looking for something to watch, so I don't have to do work, right? And I see Sliders, and I'm like, ooo, Sliders, haven't seen that in a while... But, I was much disappointed!

It's an episode about whatever and there's this chick interrogating a human. And it's like... The same plot over and over again. Every alien race is like "higher" than the humans and has some superiority complex... And they're all super thinkers! They're so cold and superior, and having human-like qualities and feeling is a weakness. How retarded is that! I'm getting kinda sick of it. So, logically, what is there left?

Imagine a science fiction show. Of... An alien race. Not even close to more superior than humans. Maybe equal or lesser in value. And... Instead of being really cold, they're really warm and gushy. They complain a lot, have PMS attacks, get very rageful... I'm thinking maybe Saiyans or an army of Amazonian women... The whole feeling thing. And then when I think lower than human, I think of amebas. I mean, what part of the plot would be like... "We examine you lowly Amazonian Saiyan amebas..." And then they'd be like, "You don't know us! You don't know what it is to feel gooey Amazonian Saiyan love! You don't know! Don't you feel, complain, and have PMS like we do?" Then the humans are all like... Sometimes. On Tuesdays. "Heavy flow day."

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:38 PM

December 27, 2004

Judging and Dreaming

So I'm reading George's Xanga and I'm wondering... Wow... Thinking of a quick death as a solution. Who would do such a thing? Let's refer to the personality types, shall we?

I know I've thought about that kinda thing. It's fun! Thinking, mind you. Thinking. It seems like a very product kind of idea, because you're not thinking much of how it happens, but that it did happen and that the world would be so much better for it. Sounds like J. And then... It's kinda like thinking into the future... So... N. Conclusion?

NJs are prone to think about death as a solution! Uhh...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:57 AM

December 24, 2004

Failure is Another Result

Ugh... I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. (Couldn't think of anything clever to write.) If I was Japanese, I wouldn't be here right now... And even then, it's a matter of access.

But I have two choices and two beliefs. One, I believe there is much to give in the world, and there are only a select few moments in life which revalidate this feeling. Two, I believe I can give myself only one thing, and that is solace.

Choice one, do it for me. Very easy, very natural, extremely selfish. Choice two, do it for you. I dunno, this whole growing up and meeting other people thing... It just eats away at me. Like there will be nothing left of me. And for me to continue, it would mean that I really am learning something. More of, the opposite would mean that I didn't learn a thing.

Umm, I guess, this is a challenge? To move forward and actually earn something?

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:43 PM

December 23, 2004

Pen 15 Club

The thing that I probably love the most in tandem with paper (imagine the research!) and stationary is pens...

My first love is the Pilot Precise V5 pen... So fine, so slick, so smooth, it carries me through everything. Best pen to use in a pledge book.

And throughout this semester, I've gained a second love. I was in a lab and I hijacked this idle pen. I didn't think much of it at the time, but it soon became my favorite pen. I would pout and whine when I couldn't find it. Seriously, there's something about the work of a smooth pen that puts my mind and hand at ease in such at way that I can write clearer notes. Those shitty bleeding pens? Yeah, no good notes with them.

So this new love pen I have... It always felt like it was running out of ink. But it felt like that the whole semester. The point is like a needle, and it feels so good and so sharp. And I love to twirl it around, obviously. It's heavier than a pilot, but eh, it's still a beauty. And now, with the wonders of the Internet, the cleaning of my house, and whatever is left in my soul, here is my self-proclaimed documentation of my new favorite pen, the Pentel Ball Point RSVP: Fine Line (no direct linking because their web site designer is a douche de louche). Actually, I can see from my ghetto pen that the model is much older (BKL7), but it's all good.

Speaking of... Here's the derivation for douche de louche. In Applebee's, there's a desert called dulce de leche. The sweet desert of milk or something. And then in life, there are dumb people which we call douches. Put them together and you get a new slang term.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:54 PM

And now, in the spirit of optimism in strife, we will now go over what it takes to be an Assassin...

Stealth. Need not outline the art of stealth.

Competence. In the end, is it done?

Decoupling and cohesion. This one I learned in 490. Elements that go together like a jigsaw, but can be pulled apart without any discomfort.

Complete dissociation... (Maybe I mean dis-association...)

Posted by Mark Canlas at 06:47 AM

December 21, 2004

Of Virtues and Vices

I really like talk of virtues, vices, and the like. After reading a US News article on Ben Franklin's virtues, it got me thinking... In the pursuit of fellow philosophers, I, too, should come up with a system of demarcating the world, for the betterment of myself and others.

If they are virtues of living, I'm actually not sure how to go about that yet... So many things to consider, in decision making and keeping the peace and fighting for the downtrodden... So I leave you with this. One, there is the mind, from which all ideas spring. Two, there is the body, a vehicle for the mind. Three, in the world most tactical and alchemic, maximize and minimize. That is, accomplish the most with the least.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:31 PM

December 15, 2004

Modesty in Light

In perceived reduction, we have two choices. One is absolute reduction. The second is relative reduction via external entries. And in modesty, we cannot reject compliments, and thus we cannot reduce ourselves. We must then affirm the whole, affirm the we, to reduce personal impact, thus creating the illusion of lesser selfishness in modesty.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 08:28 AM

December 11, 2004

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles MBTI

Leonardo - ESTJ - leaderriffic, vocal, logical
Raphael - ISTJ - an introverted version of Leo, complete with cold judgements about the world
Donatello - INTP - brainy, logical, quiet
Michaelangelo - ESFP - I loves everybodies

This violates the balance rule in the Wizard of Oz. Where is the idealist? The NF of the group? I thought it'd be Raph, but that's a mighty stretch.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 08:37 AM

November 26, 2004

MBTI Reversals

I know this one is possible. Teaching introverts how to expand. That's what happened to me at college. I hate you guys! (jk) But teaching extroverts how to focus...

Teaching the sensors foresight, or giving the dreamer the ability to see what is in front of his face.

Teaching the thinker how to bleed and empath or laying the law upon the feeler...

Being organized and decisive, sure, that's called the military. But teaching the Judging to relax? Oh wait, that's me.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:09 AM

October 31, 2004

I want to say I feel like Adam... Every time I listen to the Hyannis Sound, the feeling just takes me over completely... I told Adam and Calvin that I would probably drop everything I'm doing if someone offered me a chance to join an a cappella group. It just seems so... Amazing. That I really would consider a fleeting moment... To devote everything to a cappella. That's why I sing. That's why I tried starting my own failure of a club. But we try. And we fight.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:22 PM

October 19, 2004

Do and Done

As cited by Calvin, attributed to Ed...

In the morning, you ask, what can I do...

In the evening, you ask, what did I do...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 06:10 PM

October 17, 2004

Asymptotal Love

There was a point in my life where I once affirmed that loving something you can't have is a greater love than if you had it. Like, you don't know how much something is worth until it's gone.

I'm somewhere like that. But I'm trying to be happy. To play the happy card, bend reality, and warp it in my favor. After all, I'm the best under constraint. Even though this is the worst constraint ever, I'll tell myself in forty years that it was just one of many that would mold me into a greater man. But my former self would never let me forget. Of course not. I'm a composite of myself.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:45 PM

October 15, 2004

Don't Down Me Matapaka

I don't like the way people try to downplay my feelings. As if they're not that important. Or maybe that I'm wrong. And that just harps on the wrong chord. To me, that's like violate a rule of human to human interaction.

I dunno, let's see... There are lots of things you can do. Change someone's actual opinion. Usually not effective and very destructive. Apply the system on them and make them see that they are wrong... Also kind of destructive... Actively downplay their feelings? Yeah, that kinda works too... But none of these, in my opinion, are the right way to go. And here's a reformulation of it, just to prove it to you, using all of the nifty things I've learned about human interaction.

One, you can't really change someone's opinion. Only they can. So what do you do? Make the world super conductive to their own opinion. You don't want to add resistence to their existing one. Just don't make it any more viable than it already is. Add to the easiness of a new opinion, and attribute its foundation and success to the opinionator. And you? Yeah, you get nothing. It sucks, I know, but that's the whole part about changing someone's opinion. You didn't do it, they did.

Two, applying the system on somebody... I dunno, that just kinda hurts. Not everyone subscribes to the cold, hard logic. So, what do people subscribe to? I don't know, but you better find out! I'm just guessing here that finding some inconsistency in someone's behavior and comparing it to one of their more fundamental beliefs... It might get you somewhere. They wouldn't want to break their own rules, so you're just reminding them. Again, not your change. Theirs. All theirs.

Three and lastly, downplaying people's feelings. This is the main reason why I'm writing this because people don't seem to get it. No matter how much talking or comforting or getting over something happens, people will never understand this. Understand me now or understand me never. I will never downplay my own feelings. I believe. And I believe fully. With all of my being, more than you could ever imagine. Don't even try asking me questions about it. Your little head would explode trying to understand what I see. And let's just say you can't. The one thing you could have done here for me is at least hype up the alternative. Don't talk about me. Talk about you. And all these stupid little promises you make. And let me come along for your ride and let me understand for myself what the hell you want me to do. But don't you ever call me unimportant or say that things aren't that bad. If I say they're bad, they're bad. Who are you to tell me otherwise.

And that's my story. Thank you and good night.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:38 PM

Never. Ever. Good Enough.

The world will never be good enough. And that is why we fight. That is why we choose to fight. And that is why we must fight.

As I was discussing with Calvin, some people are just voids of happiness or voids of anger and you just don't know where their energy comes from... They're fighters. They will fight for whatever they believe in until their last faint faltering breath. And I want to be a fighter too. I believe in certain things. And living breath willing, I won't let them die.

And it made me think of algorithms. Algorithms should for the most part be greedy. They should want to do everything and be everything. But they can't. And that's the real world of it. But in computer science, there is no real world, just the hypothetical. And the hypothetical possibility that you can and do everything. Be everything. And you try. Even though you don't make it, you just press run again and try.

It's like the Perl virtue of impatience, which is a negative quality. Negative meaning you don't want the most, but the least, which is the most times negative one. Power. So I want something done as fast as possible. Life should be fast. Do it now. Because there might not be a later. And besides, with today's technology, space is cheap. So time over space algorithms are much more in demand than space saving time crunching algorithms.

So. Be fast. Be a fighter. And I will always fight for you. And I will always fight for myself. And no one can take that away from me. And it's that that I will have to settle for. But it is something I will always fight to undo or make right.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 05:03 AM

October 14, 2004

Not It Not It

Well, the long and short of it is that I didn't get what I wanted. But, I'm still alive to write this post, and I guess that's all that matters. I'm so far removed from anger, it's kind of surprising.

But. At least I have a new place to cause trouble. And. An old place that means even more to me. It'd be our secret.

So. Thanks. For saving my life. As you do every day. In each capacity, official and unofficial. I know it. I'll always know it. And that's all that matters to me.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:28 AM

October 13, 2004

Stupid Traffic Cop Lady

Stupid traffic copy lady is being a little bitch. You know what, for people like you, I should get hit by a car. Then you are liable. Then we'll see who's retarded. But Mark, is it really worth it to get hit by a car just to make fun of someone? Yes, yes it is.

Hey. Hey you! Stop! I should have stopped. You. Blah blah blah. My duty. Do you think I'm out here for my health? I shoulda been like, yeah, bitch, you are. Freakin', it's your job and you need the freakin' money. And. Am I new here? Hell yeah. With my fly new NJIT sweater. I'm brown. Fresh off the plane. Don't know my way around the streets.

Thank you, traffic cop lady bitch. I'll be sure to dash right across the street next time you're there. Right into a car. Then we'll see who has the rast raff.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 08:34 AM

Don't Talk to Me

Yo, I really don't like it when there's someone that I'm supposed to respect... And then I don't... And then they give me shit... And I'm automatically like, YO, who the fuck are you to question me... Fuck that shit... Seriously, yo. Fuck. That. Shit. Ghetto INTJ style right there. Don't bring it unless you can back it.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 02:25 AM

October 12, 2004

Feels Like October

I was looking at John (Scanlan) and the wind had this weird feel to it... And then inside, this feeling just bubbled up inside of me and I wanted to say "it's October".

I thought about being young, hanging out at Lincoln school, the leaves rustling, Halloween costumes, and just the general aura of the season.

That's October.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 04:29 PM

Feeling Ill and Overwhelmed

I woke up with a stomach ache. I swear, it's all that junk food I've been eating... And then I remembered how good I felt yesterday after drinking green tea... So I'm trying it again today, without eating anything. Because I know from personal experience and from Kayah that eating does not help an upset stomach. And if you do need to eat, stick to mad simple things like rice and water.

Ugh, I'm not feeling too good. But I'm guess I'm kinda excited. JC told me not to worry. So I'm trying not to. But, if things are good, then I'll be happy as happy can be. If things don't, because I have to continue the logical assertion of all cases in a given universe, then, I don't know. I'm trying to be angry. I'm trying to dwell on it. But it's just not happening. Another nasty side effect of being happy.

Damn you, [insert name]. Damn you...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:35 PM

October 11, 2004

Thanks for the Visit

EWW. I can't understand why being all happy and cheery and not worrying undoes all the damage that being angry does. I mean, I like being angry. I like conspiring. And then all this feeling and happiness gets in the way of thinking. I mean, who invented this stuff!?

Well, let the record show that I'm going fine now. I still might be upset in the future, but JC instilled a little faith in me. Just enough to keep me going. Faith plus a positive outcome equals happysauce forever. Faith plus a negative outcome equals uber upsetness forever and forever. Grr I'll run it into the ground or run it into the sky.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:23 AM

October 10, 2004

Let Go and Trust

I dunno. I'm still racking my brain and going crazy... But if I were to let go and trust, as I've been taught... I dunno. Maybe that would be the best solution for now.

To just let all of this tension go and trust that things will go in the best way possible...

The problem is, I'm so stuck in my ways... That this issue of all issues, there is only one best possible way... And I can trust. I will. I really can. I've done it before. So I know it's possible. But...

If... My trust... Was... Violated I guess? If I kept trusting and believing and putting my heart out and I didn't get what I wanted... Which sounds so selfish... But I don't know how I could continue without it...

I could keep trusting. Just to save my sanity. Up until that breaking point. After that, all bets are off. I can't tell you what would happen. It'd be bad.

I'm just gonna go insane. But I'll keep that under the guise of trusting you. I really will try. Let's see who knows each other the best.

Otherwise... That'd be it. Seriously.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 04:34 PM

Exploding Soon

Every moment that I'm awake is just another opportunity that I can remind myself of how things aren't going to work out... That this really will be the end of it all. That... There's not much after this.

I'm getting very antsy. I want to know. To resolve. To be judged. But I have to pretend like all these other petty things in life matter. I just have to keep going until I can find out. And that's the worse part. Just entertaining people. I want them to all go away... I really do. I just want everything to melt away and be done with. I can't handle the stress that this week is bringing me.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 04:01 PM

October 09, 2004

Very Upset and Not So Cosmic

I thought everything was going well today. I really did. But maybe it was until I spilled food on Arun's lap... Or maybe it was before that...

Before that, someone told me something. This person heard it from another person. And that person supposedly has the Inside Secret. No one is supposed to know. But the fact remains, the seeds are planted, and I'm turning into a mighty upset person.

I feel like... Everything is spinning out of control. All of this is in the assumption that what I was told was true. And I'm banking on that. Because I don't want to question the character of anybody, and accuse them of being a liar... But for the safety of the world and my sanity, I swear to God I hope someone was being stupid, miscommunicating, or lying.

The crux of my college career has been... A fire. An undying fire that captured me since the day I was born at NJIT. And to me, this fire all culminates into one sole point... A point very near and dear to my heart, granted to me twice before. I'm sure last time I was like this, I complained. And the time before that, I was just hopeful. But now, more than ever, I'm aching. I'm crying and dying inside every day that I'm around. And this is like the last hurdle that's outside of my hands... The rest is just icing.

And it feels like... I've been doing the wrong thing. And just assuming. And I'm really trying to blame myself. And not accuse anyone of anything. But the fact remains is that the decision lies elsewhere and I'm purely the victim of the jury. But... It means so much to me that without it, nothing else would mean anything. I mean, I've tried telling myself and repeating that I've told people I don't hold haven't hold and couldn't hold anything against anyone...

But this... If I had to be mean, spoiled, cruel-hearted, a loser, and a dummy, this would be it. I would channel any potential energy I had for negativity in this and completely lash out. I don't think I could handle it.

You know how people say you're better of not knowing? Like, no one can pretend that something was never said? It's true. It's the same reason why I don't tell anyone anything. Now people will know why I'm upset. And I'm gonna be freakin' upset. I'm going to just make pouty faces everywhere and just whine and cry...

But you know? All that whining and crying... It's all preemptive... We'll find out soon enough if I'm the happiest person on Earth or the most bitter... The most dangerous and the most unstable.

I feel stupid. It's like... If this message were to go anywhere... It'd be like a threat. Feed me or else. Or else what?

But that's the problem! I'm not thinking of anything else! I'm just making wild accusations, blaming, bitterness, hatred.... I'm making conspiracy theories... And I just want it to be true. So that it will bend me out shape and truly eat me alive.

I think in the worst, twisted way, this really would take my life away... I mean, there's only so much someone can live for... And if they don't have anything stable to stand on, why stay afloat to begin with...

I don't know. I'm supposed to trust people. But this is really boarding on heart. Like... Something I would not budge for. There's like no force in the world that could make me change my mind... It's not a big deal to you, maybe, but it means the world to me... It meant the world to me. And without this... I don't know how I could continue. I really don't.

My promise to meditate this semester hasn't really been working. And... I think... I'm so upset and bent out of shape that I'd make myself a negative promise... That... If the world didn't play cosmic one more time... That if there really isn't a God... And that there's one decision that I cannot trust... I would make a negative promise... And I would just go crazy.

I couldn't handle it. My brain couldn't comprehend it. I'm on the brink of death... Of just giving up everything... Just because I couldn't have it my way...

I guess that goes to show I haven't learned anything. And that... No matter what happens, I never will learn anything...

The only hope is ... Just the opposite of what I said. That there is a God. That the world is cosmic. And that everything has a rhyme and reason. And that this rhyme will match my dream and conspiracy theory... Because without hope, there is nothing.

And when you have nothing, you have everything. (Because when you have everything, you have nothing.)

I can't focus. For the next few days, I'm going to be very, very moody... Very upset. Like I don't want to talk to anyone... And I don't. The only person I confided in... Is a weirdo. =) Well, I hope he does a good job. But anyway. I'm gonna try to be very moody. But inside, I'm secretly dying. And praying. And crying. And hoping. Because if not this...

I don't know what else there is left... I really don't.

If I forgot to mention... I previously confided... It was the only thing greater to me, in my life, greater than the fire that swallowed me whole... The fire will swallow me alive, but for worse than the better maybe.

A lot worse. But at least I'd have the most mental clarity I've had in my entire life.

I'm begging you. I'm pleading. With everything that I stand for. Please save my life. Again.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:06 PM

October 02, 2004

Robin, Slade, INTJs, and Life

Watching Teen Titans today was great. Really great. Because I got to see just how related and intertwined Robin and Slade were... And just how twisted and deranged Robin could be. Just more of the evidence to add to the fact that he's an INTJ. His inner world of haunting images. This extreme detective skill and clarity for the future. His unwillingness to budge. His self-reliance.

And it made me feel good inside. To relate to a very similar, ninja-wannabe inside of me... And it also reminded me of how bad things could get. INTJs, in their classical, pure, and textbook sense, are dangerous... I'd speak of we, but then I might be setting myself up for danger.

The world... It just crashes and overwhelms. Because people don't understand. People just don't see... But INTJs do. They see it all. With laser-light accuracy, even through all of the running around and mess that gets in the way.

Robin was so close to just... Losing it... And some days, I've felt like I've lost it. There was even a day in my life where I truly killed a part of me. I reached deep in my soul and assassinated a very important part of my being. I can't deny that that or anything else in this world hasn't helped brought me to be who I am today... But in list and retrospect, that was the key ingredient. And I wasted it all.

Today, some might say I've been given a second chance... A third even. But the way I see it, is that I'm reborn. But even after being reborn, I'm on the verge of dying. Every day it feels like I'm going to die, and there won't be much left of me... That, it's my job and my duty to release whatever is inside of me and make sure that it gets left behind. To bring peace to the world and prosper.

Which brings me to my feeling bad every day. Every day it feels like a battle, between suffering as an INTJ or celebrating an enjoying life as someone else (ESFP maybe?). I was taught how to enjoy the fruits of life, but now I've reverted back to my classic, misunderstood character. The worst part is that I know too much. I know how to make myself change, how to get what I want, and how to fit in. And for some days, I choose not to exercise that ability at all. Because I know of the comfort that solitude brings me.

But, I know somewhere else that solitude isn't enough. That there has to be some greater thing out there. And I'm on the verge of finding out what that is. But everything feels like a rubicon. That at any moment, it could all come crashing down, as I've said before...

So, to the heros and ideals of the world, research, music, Robin, some sort of joy and happiness, achievement, heroes, and psychic bonds, you keep me alive. But for all other things... I don't know what to say. It's just all a blur. A blur that I might just dive past.

Dive into oblivion.

If ever I couldn't... Live. I'd die.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 08:45 PM

September 24, 2004

Come, Stains!

Stains is the name of the cat, by the way.

So, the cat is out of the bag.

Time to die. Publicly.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 02:37 PM

Man's Weakness

I dislike man's duality, where all things in life are the constructs of cognition save one. And that is the raging beast of emotion and primality called the libido. The way it takes over man and warps reality to fit one sole purpose.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:30 PM

How Am I Doing?

Someone asked me how I'm doing... And I said... I feel like I'm at home. And he said... Good.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:58 AM

September 23, 2004

You... Don't Care?

"So, how'd it go last night?"

"How'd what go?"

"Your black magic thing that you did last night..."

"Umm...?"

"That organization that you're affiliated with..."

"Oh. Yeah. I don't giving a flying flip. I have no idea actually."

At that point, in my head, I'm like, wow... How can you not care? I spend my time aching and crying over something I have no jurisdiction over... And there you are, inside, not caring...

It's like being spoiled. When somewhere in the world, children are starving. I was starving. Won't somebody think of the children?

Posted by Mark Canlas at 06:07 PM

Not a Quitter?

So Maggie walks up to me and is all like whoa, not a quitter are you?

In my head I'm like hmm... I guess not.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:33 PM

Renaissance Scientist

I want to be a renaissance scientist.

Whenever I hear about all these discoveries that scientists made back in the day... Or how involved the founding fathers of computer science were... It just makes me think that man cannot do one thing and one thing alone. Man must do all.

I'm studying Human-Computer Interaction. I think I'm well on my way. Computer science is like math and semi-physics and artificial intelligence and knowledge representation and philosophy... Psychology is like hypnosis, sociology, cognition, deconstruction, and ethics... It's all good.

I think it's all amazing. Everything is amazing because everything is connected. And I want to be That Guy.

I want to be a renaissance scientist.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 02:38 PM

September 21, 2004

Need Psychic

I need people to read me. Because. If I did the explaining and actually told you what I was thinking or how I would feel, it would make me feel bad and destroy the situation. So go find out for yourself. Because I'm not telling you.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 02:18 PM

OH MY FING GOD

I JUST WROTE SEVENTEEN BILLION PARAGRAPHS ABOUT HOW I FEEL AND I DIDN'T CLICK SAVE

I WAS VERY ANGRY AT SOMETHING
AND NOW, WITHOUT THE SPIRIT OF THE EMOTION, IT IS USELESS TO RECREATE HOW I FELT

LET THE RECORD SHOW THAT I STATED IT WAS THE SAME SHIT WITH THE SAME PEOPLE EACH TIME. AND HOW I STILL MAINTAIN MY STUBBORN ATTITUDE, WITH THE MOST RIGHTEOUS OF JUSTICE AND LOGIC, BECAUSE THE WORLD IS ILL AND I AM RIGHT

DOORS CLOSED, NO TALKING

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:54 AM

September 05, 2004

Personality Types as Hypercube

In front of me I have a collection of sketches... Where I tried to best understand a hypercube drawn out in 2D space... While that in itself isn't hard, I wanted each corner of the hypercube to be a node, each with ample space for labels and text. That was the hard part, to have the least amount of overlapping lines or confusing structures... I think I've come to the conclusion that it can't be done, at least not in the way I want it. Who am I to definitively say that something can't be done? =)

Anyway, my understanding of anything four dimensional and dichotomous, like personality types, is to see a hypercube. Each corner of the hypercube is a personality type. And if the hypercube has an inner side, it's funny how Introverts go on the inside and Extroverts the outside.

With the hypercube representation, you can see how the predominant types (NT, NF, SP, SJ) are skewed on certain dimensions (data gathering-judgement versus data gathering-organization).

Just felt like putting that idea out on the net, just in case no one else thought of it before.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 06:30 PM

September 03, 2004

Meditation Has Found Refuge

I just want everyone to know that I've found my new meditation spot. If you ever need me and I'm not in my room (I don't plan on being in my room much, once I get rid of the TV), the roof of the new campus center is where I'll be. It's totally schway, with all the fixin's of being outside but with electricity right next to me.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:43 AM

August 31, 2004

Never Kept Anything

I have this terrible feeling of trying to... Out-grudge people. As a way of never caving and never showing my weakness. But that would imply that I promised myself... I promised myself achievement. That in some sick and twisted way, I would win this battle and come out on top. But that's a problem in and of itself.

I can't keep promises.

I can think of one promise that I didn't keep... It's more of a symbolic one, where I didn't really apply myself and follow through... But everything else, all the shallow and daily promises... I dunno. I don't think I've ever kept one. And I think I should stop giving my word to people. I personally think my word is crap. No one should ever really listen to me.

It's upsetting really. That I should keep challenging myself and that I'm always failing. Being never able to stand up for myself or stand tall or properly, with such great fortitude and constittuion. I'm quite a weak individual, I think.

And with that, I make the cyclical fake promise of battling my vices, embracing ideals, and trying to be a more well-balanced person. But, lately, it's all felt like... Fuck being well-balanced.

I don't know anymore. The world, in the end, is still being dumb, only offering refuge in the cages of the mind.

The bars. They aren't keeping me in. They're keeping the freaks out. (a la Beast Boy)

Posted by Mark Canlas at 07:58 AM

Powerpuff Girls Personality Types

Blossom: Leader, SJ
Buttercup: Hack and slash, SP
Bubbles: Cheery, NF
Professor Utonium: Brains, NT

Aside. I once heard an SJ friend of mine say that... He was "seeking security" in his life. How creepy is that?

Chill back, son. (Also creepy.)

Posted by Mark Canlas at 06:59 AM

Meditation is Key

Somewhere deep down on the inside... I've decided that meditation is the key to life. True focus and introspection. Something that I've apparently never done before.

Every time I try to... "do" something... It ends up getting worse. Throwing water on a grease fire, effectively. So, I think I really need to step back. Take a far step back. And just concentrate. Just meditate. Just do what I need to do.

And anything else that I need will other come my way or harass me from the inside. That I would feel compelled to do certain things. Otherwise, to vices that I may have... Or people that just aren't quite right... (No, I won't admit it's my fault...)

Never again, but forever at always... (I don't know what it means, but I liked the way it sounds.)

Posted by Mark Canlas at 05:08 AM

August 30, 2004

Fuck That Shit

Fuck. That. Shit.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:44 PM

August 27, 2004

No Typing

I'm mad cuz someone wouldn't let me type them. But it wasn't even that. It was with some force, a force that I've never felt before from someone. So defensive.

And that's full of ILL logic. There's no reason. So you suck, and I'm right. No use in respecting someone's boundaries for being overly defensive. I don't see the use, because there is none. Get over it.

I'll type you. Jerk.

EDIT: I'm feeling so... Caught up in how stupid this is. The only thing I could think of is... "Bite my shiny metal ass."

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:58 PM

August 25, 2004

Loss of Power

Final Fantasy Tactics strikes again! It's a perfect world model, and helps explain my INTJedness... So here goes.

Ask a magician to make a physical attack, or ask a Knight to cast a spell. Can they? Yes, they can, but with limited success.

To me, the world runs in templates and preferences. You don't have to do what you're naturally good at. Maybe you proactively prefer something else. But you know for damn well sure there's some stuff that you're good at.

And on personality types! I'm an INTJ. I love being an INTJ. But all this touchy-feely, show your emotions type stuff... It makes me feel weak. Lesser of a hero, lesser of a type. And that incompetence just adds to my INTJedness of feeling so incapacitated.

So we must act. As who we are. To self-actualize. But with full awareness of what that means and why it means.

It's okay to do whatever, as long as you know why. That one comes from a knowledge seeker.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 09:40 PM

August 16, 2004

Last Moments, Same Behavior

Take each day’s lesson as though you have never heard anything like it and as though you may never hear it again, for eager ears often go deaf in their excitement. ~ CLNJ's Alisha Tillman

Even on my supposed last moments on Earth, I make so many every day decisions...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:08 AM

Untitled

I think my laziness is eating me alive... I have the mental mind power of a champion chess player, but I have the physical drive of a ... sloth... There's so much work ahead of me, and sadly, behind me as well.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so... Not... In it. I'm not in it to win it. I really amn't (heh). What to do, what to do...

All this talk about the L word, and belief, and Olympic spirit, and drive... It's starting to mean next to nothing right now... Because, as I've learned, my next milestones are proof oriented, just the way I like it. But the catch here is that I have no proof. I've done all this growth and chess movement, but it's largely been in my head. I really have nothing to show for it.

Nothing...

How to make something out of nothing... Well, that's a great exercise, but I fear there is no answer to that, for it is impossible. No, I don't like admitting things are impossible... But when I start demanding things of people and then I don't follow through, I'm not a very good leader. Actually, I'm not a good leader in the style of lead by example...

Now would be a great time to lead by example. Show the world what I'm made of. But I'm so overcome by sloth and sleepiness... Bah.

Right now... I feel like sleeping on it. As if the answer would come to me in my sleep. But great people never accomplished anything by sleeping. Or just thinking. What happened to all that hard work...

I think I just need to get the ball rolling. Then the work will start pouring out. But I need that initial go. That thing that makes me move. And... I'm feeling very rockish right now.

Just do it doesn't seem to cut it. As if I had some problem in my head... Maybe I need to go seek help.

The only thing that seems easy to perform right now is playing Warcraft. Oh that and I remembered I've dedicated my life to making things easy... So that a thought can be transformed into a vision and a reality, with the least amount of work possible... To just fathom and create.

Today, I wished I had the super power to manifest anything, in exchange for the fatigue resulted upon creating that manifestation. T'would have been a great power...

Too much wishing, not enough doing. But I heard that once you do, you do more. Once you pop, you just can't stop.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:00 AM

August 14, 2004

Two Steps Foward, One Step Back

So I'm trying to get rid of my vices, but it's not working? As usual? So I'm settling for a lesser and a half... It's like a drug addiction. Can't go cold turkey. Or something.

Which brings me to a very familiar feeling... More of a glow than a fire...

Why does reading stories always bring me to a far away place... As if it was one of the most golden thoughts on Earth, and that reality will never ever resemble that... If it did, well... I wouldn't know what to do with myself. It'd be too much.

So here's to basking in the glow. And inducing sleep.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:39 AM

August 13, 2004

Death Looming

If your next breath was your last, how differently would you act?

I'm trying to find another entry that resembles this topic, but I can't find it right now... I write in so many vague and mystical words, it's hard to keep track of myself.

But I can only think of one person in this world who would know a fraction of how I feel... That, if I was to no longer be on this plane of existence, that my thoughts would carry out properly...

But this person has done so much for me, meant and means so much to me every moment that I'm alive... It's really hard to express such a thing.

And what an embarassment, to totally let go and just let people know how you feel...

You know what, I'm feeling repetitive. For my own sake, I'm just gonna find that entry and read it as opposed to writing about it again.

EDIT: I can't find it. But I meant what I said. So I'm gonna sit on the death couch, watch cartoons, and thought about what I wrote. Maybe I won't wake up.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:10 AM

The Eternal Tug of War

So, umm, I'm confused. Well, not really, because I know all the answers. But for now, confused.

If I, as a "regular" person am unsatisfied with the way things are in reality... Then I, as an INTJ, just retreat to this mental cage... Where everything is okay and peachy. I need things to be peachy. So I just think things up. And I'm there.

But is that really enough? To be day dreaming all day long? To never know the true meaning of sensation? To, maybe, be victim to a chemical imbalance of madness, passion, and heat?

I've fallen prey to it... Embraced it even, maybe for one or two things, definiltely one thing that permanently scarred me... But other than that...

Other than that temporal feeling, I feel so empty. Like no matter what I do, I have nothing. That everything doesn't really mean much... And that I'm still wanting something else. And for now, that something else exists only in my head.

Or. Or or or. Which would be a great, logical explaination. I'm spending too much time being nifty and day dreaming... Which is just accelerating my cause for being so needy and empty. But otherwise, I'm "good".

I dunno, I'm crazy.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:05 AM

August 12, 2004

Squash the Stupid

So I was thinking to myself, as I usually do, and thought... Wow, the world is filled with a lot of stupid things. And. And and and. The extreme possibility of people talking to me or mentioning, rather, these stupid things. Stupid people. Especially concerning things of and around today's political fiasco.

I'd just like to go out on a limb and say that it should be my job to just avoid such stupid things... Try to not really mention them and focus on the more important things in life (minus that squishy force that's trying to melt my ivory tower, damn you Internet past time and displacement, damn you).

I was so close... Very close to making a wish that I'd find someone just like me... But I won't make a wish. Because wishes are dangerous. But, I will say that it'd be interesting to see. Someone who at least sees what I see.

Do you see what I see? If you did, you'd know what I mean.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:38 PM

I Love the Super Station!

So I was at Warped Tour and a couple of girls (and guys) had just random body paints and stuff written on themselves, one of which being I heart TBS. So in my tiny mind, I'm thinking, wow, these girls have a lot of love for the Turner Broadcasting Station, or whatever. TBS, the Super Station. So I go over to Noah and Adam and we all figure out that they meant Taking Back Sunday, and not the Super Station.

And with my super intuitive linking powers, I decided to make a new double back. For fans of Taking Back Sunday, the new phrase of the millenium will be I Love the Super Station. We know that nobody really loves TBS except for Taking Back Sunday.

There, I said it.

I love the Super Station.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:30 PM

August 11, 2004

Hobson's Choice

So I just learned the phrase "Hobson's Choice" today on an old OK/Cancel discussion... I didn't think I'd actually be using it but now I have a reason.

The article talked about how HCI people don't get enough respect. How we're not being listened to. So, I was thinking... What if we forced people to listen to us? Listen to us or else (that's the Hobson part of it, okay, I'm done). What's the or else part? Dropping.

It's something I've done in Warcraft nowadays (days being like two or three). I've realized that a great portion of RT should be spent monitoring allies' base setup and gold usage. So I basically try threatening people, apply a strategy that I feel works or I drop.

It's a situation where it's no skin off my back, basically. But I don't think everyone has that kind of cushion or security. I mean, your job is on the line. Do this the HCI way that I say or I quit?

I mean, sure you walk away with your pride and only months later your project manager will realize that he was wrong... You walk away with your hands clean, that's great. But you're poor. You have no job now. But also, it's a threat. Maybe if you were a very integral member of the team, they'd listen to you more often and not want you to leave.

But how babyish does that sound? Resorting to that sort of strategy each time... I guess it's strength is only in really dropping the bomb. It's like crying wolf or something. Yet at the same time, what kind of situation are you in that you have to resort to saying such a thing at each and every discussion?

"Do it my way or I'm leaving."

I should do that with Senate. If anything doesn't go my way, then I should just leave. That would be so awesome.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 05:52 PM

No TV?

And so I decided, in a most Jeff-like way, that a part of my meditation (even though last night I cracked and played Warcraft) would be to remove the TV from my room. I only use my TV to watch adult swim... And, I guess my love for CNN could just be displaced elsewhere. I mean, if something was that important, it would hit me via some other medium. That and I shouldn't be playing Tactics or DDR in my room next semester. I have my mind and the pool for that. I can make my own Tactics engine in the future...

So, that's that. The next time I make a short move out of my room, the TV and the cable are going too. *sniff*

Freakin' meditation. Freakin' monks.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:17 PM

August 09, 2004

Extreme Dislike

You know what I extremely dislike? When people throw around words like love or words that relate to love so flippantly... I love you, I love this, I love that...

Do you really love them?

Or are you just saying it because being squishy feely is something that other people do?

I, for one, don't love a lot of things. Only a select few. And I don't go around just proclaiming my love for things and people shallow left and right.

Jerks.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 06:11 PM

Truly a Silver Surfer

So I was thinking. As I usually do. I still need a silver watch to flesh out my super wardrobe. Every guy needs a fly watch. That's our jewelry. Minus my crazy blue hair and tongue ring. In the future.

And. And and and. I think I'd want to wear board shorts like all the time. I'm getting used to wearing sandals often. Stupid Jay. And I know I need a pair that has plastic that doesn't bleed on my feet. Blue feet are weird.

But wearing board shorts all the time would one, solidify some sort of fashion statement, and two, make me semi-aquatic at all times! How cool is that! I love swimming. So that'd be perfect. I could take a dive at any time. Any time. And I love that. I love the accessibility of taking a dive at absolutely any time I'd like. Aww shizzle.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 02:17 PM

August 08, 2004

Viceless

I purged myself of my two probably greatest vices. All part of my guilt-trip slash meditation. Here's to a higher purity.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:51 AM

The Choice is the Same as Usual

Having applied a little bit of time on it, I'm just gonna seal a big old band of apathy over it. If you want to talk about it, fine. But there really isn't anything to talk about. And with that, I'm done. Are you?

EDIT: You know what, forget it. I'm not even gonna invest any energy into this anymore, because it'll just snowball into some side arguing over another side. Throw whatever you want at me, I don't care.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 09:53 AM

August 07, 2004

A Different Sunshine

What's that thing that prevents you from feeling good after feeling bad... Oh, that's right, guilt.

Hmm, trying to let it go, but I'm not sure if that's the best thing, though. I'm sure everyone else in sunny Californiay would say that being guilt-ridden for something over prolonged periods of time is unhealthy... But to them, I reply, I feel guilty.

Yes, Mark, guilt is part of the process.

But so is getting over it.

Am I allowed to say that?

Eh. Optimism and forgetfulness will probably swallow me whole and carry me to my next adventure. Otherwise, the darkness would have carried me elsewhere. And we know there's only one moment in my life where that's ever happened. I've mentioned it, I've sorta compared the two, but now it's time for me to put my foot down. Regardless of what I did, the two are not the same and will not be the same. I made that promise earlier that if anything ever resembled what happened the first time, I would move heaven and earth to stop it from happening.

So, as the sunshine once tried communicating to me, what is it that we all need? Time. Time heals all wounds. Time induces forgetfulness. Don't believe me? Add more time. It's like brute force. If it doesn't work, you're just not applying enough of it.

There's not a lot of time left for me on this rock we call Earth.

Time to make the most of what you got. Maybe there won't be a tomorrow. Would you want your last dying thought to be something of dwelling on a social issue? True that it's not nice to minimize someone else's pain, but come on, in the grand scheme of things, is it ever worth dwelling on something for so long? Probably not.

So. On going back to revolving around me. I guess, for my own sake and safety, I'll just have to forget about it and continue my days, however many of them are left for me. I'm not asking for pity points. I'm not asking for your help. I'm not even asking for what I lost. I'm just gonna go with it.

Back to the Taoist way? Just... Go. Just do it. That's the Senate way. I did do what I wanted to do, so now I'm done. I'm done whether you like it or not.

And ugh, if anyone gives me beef about it, it would be my job to play humble soldier and not snap at you... Just because I'm over it doesn't mean you are. And I guess I still have to learn that.

Golden shackles, where are you now that I need you the most? Very, very far away, that's for sure.

Maybe I'll learn, one day.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 05:00 PM

To Truly Know More

For the knowledge-seeker who truly wishes to reach the ends of the universe...

What is it that you, insert random person here no matter who they are, can teach me?

Everyone is a master to the student, but the student is always in control, in the most unassuming way possible.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:38 PM

Viral Sort of Depression

If you're keeping any sort of track like I am, then you'd know that it's eating me alive from the inside. Congratulations, if you're into that sort of thing.

Anyway, I've always insisted that I see the world as... A whole connection. A whole web. Everything is connected, nothing is independent, no matter how it may act.

And at that point, (on that with it, some might say), will dwelling on this one issue affect everything else around it? Of course it will, I think. It's very hard to keep it shelled up, because I'm starting to feel the effects of it, well, since it happened.

One, my track record is gone. So my motivation is shot. I'm not dreaming very well anymore. And that's really terrible, for any sort of aspirtations I've planned before then. It's like I've dropped a nuke that everything before that day is stained.

My relationship with people will be... Different. I'll be the bad guy again, but this time it has other consequences other than my solitary sad face. People are gonna give me the evil eye left and right and all I have left to do is give this aura of like, oh I don't care, which will get me in more trouble. But it's like, what do you want me to do?

Anyway, this is gonna ruin my professionalism. And that professionalism is to continue as if nothing never happened, for the sake of contiunity and composure. I'll try. But, I might try to the point of being so... I dunno. So disconnected that everyhing else will be so unsatisfying.

Like, do you know how hard it is to crack a smile right now? Actually, I shouldn't be caught saying things like that, because, in a out-bitching contest, surely someone else could win.

Saying things like "at least I have my health" doesn't cut it at times like this... In a purely emotional argument, this is really sapping. I could just ignore it... Which is probably what I'd end up doing. But I'm just saying. It still lingers.

I probably will linger until my forgetfulness catches up with it. But it burns right now. It burns real bad. Again, to no comparison, but... Well, no one asked me, that's true, but I did ask myself and someone did choose to read.

So, here's to a hope that I can retain some sort of civil exterior, that I won't further lash out on others who are truly undeserving of such misdirected energy. And to those already scarred by my miscalculations, the gift of silence, as I've promised.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:59 PM

Why We Need Psychic Powers

I suddenly remembered the importance of psychic powers...

Every day, every moment, every breath, I have a thought. And sometimes, people don't understand what I'm trying to communicate, because apparently, I have communication problems.

So, if I don't say anything, people don't get me. But, when I do say something, most often at someone's request, people still don't get me. I should just say nothing at all.

I knew it. I'm stubborn and I'm right for a reason. There's always a reason. And other people pressure me into thinking otherwise.

The reason why we need psychic powers is because not many people get me... And I think I'd prefer and be very capable of living in a world where people would just go away... I'm sure there are those who are willingfullness enough to challenge my ice, but otherwise, I advise people to just back off.

In a time where I'm under the most stress and the most opportunity to be misunderstood for the greatest of powers, there isn't any time to be playing around with Extraverted Feeling. Feeling is for losers.

And I'm no loser.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:17 PM

August 05, 2004

Time to Sit

I feel as if now would be a great time to opt for a very quiet, still, and cold and meditative form of life. That, I really need to focus and be still. It'll go something like this.

My room will be the meditation chamber, and there will be no life outside of doing what I need to do. No one will be at my side. No one.

Very still, very cold, and very objective. This would probably be my only method of recovery, because feeling anything right now is too clouded and too busy.

But if I do this, I might hurt more people in the process. But I do make one wish. And not necessarily a wish like before, but a wish of... For the world to be psychic. For those who truly wait the two extra seconds to know me... To know me for me, and to know me for my intent. You will all be very far away from me, but you will always be close in my mind (not heart).

So, if provided my will to procrastinate doesn't create some higher biological order, may this day be the first day of a most prolonged meditation, to which I will meet each goal as necessary, but no one, and I mean no one, will stand with.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 10:10 PM

No Logic Left

This whole experience, wrapped in a couple of words, just proves to me that the things I do... They hurt people.

And apparently, from way before, the things I don't do, hurt people...

So, what's left? To do or not to do... How will I fail less, who will hurt the least...

Sometimes, most of the time, these times except for those most invicible days, to whom it becomes so hard to see through your blinding glory, the coldest of cold seems to be the only answer in the world that remains constant and true.

No light or shade would penetrate the thought. It just is. Very. Cold.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 09:56 PM

Collateral Damage

So, you know that thing that happened yesterday? Yeah, it has another victim.

And oh wait, I just had a thought. This is... Only the first person to communicate with me their problem about that night. So, who knows how many bodies I have racked up...

I feel like I aimed a gun, as a wreckless shooter of things sharp and painful, and that other non-target people were hurt as a result of it... I'm hurt too, but I'm too busy being an INTJ and not processing all of it.

It's like... I don't know how to control myself. Like there was a loss of knowledge or the calculation wasn't good enough. And now I'm stepping on glass everywhere I go, because people know people, and business knows people. There's not much energy left in the world if you're guilt-stricken and the sun won't ever shine in the same light again.

The sun will not shine tomorrow, because tomorrow is a product of today and yesterday. No matter how much goodness and how much pride there can be in the world, that's always the result of one process, where another process sheds its shadow right upon your back.

Normally, I have the worst memory in the world and tend to forget everything. But this, I can't forget. I won't forget. Why? It's one of those stabbing things in life... The thing I promised to not forget before was where I was the victim. Now, one-two people were the victim of my word and now I can't forget the pain it caused them and me.

As I've always said when role-call came around, I can't compare to where the two of you are. I can't compare to what you two feel for me, a lot of hate and anger, seathing from the sharp icicles of human pain. At least that's where I'd see it.

I guess this is a painful lesson in revisiting relativity and body language, as a group of people reminded me. I'm still an INTJ. I'm still insensitive. I'm still stubborn. And I can't get as sun-shiny and happy as other people, because I'm too busy thinking about myself and doing the wrong thing at the wrong time.

No amount of righteousness can save me now, because a lot of it will be a front. I'm stained. I'm stained on so many fronts and this is just one of them.

And there is no challenge. There is no rising up from the darkness. I was the darkness causer, and I don't think there's a worse feeling than that, because it is creeping and it is subtle and it eats from the inside.

Well, may it eat me alive, for better or for worse, for the growth of the individuals involved in the incident, direct and indirect. May we see a better tomorrow, together, in the sunshine.

Otherwise, I will fight my way there, to find my own sunshine, without you. And that, sadly, I know is very possible.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 09:39 PM

Congratulations on Your New Hate!

Congratulations! You have been named the proud owner of someone's hate! Would you like to:

A. Sulk forever like a sad puppy.
B. Use apathy beam and pretend like nothing happened.
C. Drink your sorrows away.
D. Learn from your experiences to exercise better judgement.
E. Proactively mend the damage.

A little bit of each sounds good.

EDIT: The nuke has been launched and the damage has been done. The clean-up crew is already back, and the analysis recommends that life should continue, in the most unassuming ways possible... Beware of emotional outbursts and dramatic events. Otherwise, all is how one might say, normal.

EDIT: Even the sunshine hates you... That's a lot of hurt in one day. How could you? // I don't know, but I just did. Maybe being a total shut-in wasn't such a bad idea, if things like this keep popping up in life.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 04:41 PM

Worst. Birthday. Ever.

Ending a day on a bad note just kinda ruins everything before it, doesn't it?

So let's say there's this person you've been trying to get to know, probably for the wrong reason... You know, basically forcing something that wouldn't happen under normal circumstances.

And so let's say some abnormal circumstances happen and you get to know this person in a limited context... At this rate, any context would be completely acceptable for a normal one wasn't possible. And after all this time, things started to look all sunny and bright...

Until one night, which happened to land on my birthday, where the others decided to play waterfalls, which includes making a rule, which may include adding a truth or dare element to the game...

Okay, so the long and short of it is that I truthed something out of someone that I shouldn't have. I blame peer pressure for not letting me think of a more PC question to ask, but at the same time, I must learn to take responsibility for my actions.

I probably ruined my relationship with this person. In a movie or a comic book, I could have hoped for a more happy ending, but not in real life. If this person is anything like me, then they'd be full of raging and seathing (sp) hate. No way to fix that.

I'm going to try and apologize as soon as possible... But I know at that point, apologies and explanations are just words... They cannot repair what has been broken, and for that I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I had to go this far to get to know you, and then fall a thousand steps back because I didn't know you well enough.

I'm gonna go in my little corner now. See ya...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:36 AM

August 04, 2004

Sappy Birsday

The long and short of it is that somebody remembered my birthday, and that makes me feel good.

The crew at Miniversity knows when my birthday is, and my mom called me up about celebrating my birthday... But this was all before midnight. Midnight is the time for me. But I was sleeping at midnight...

So what do I wake up to? Besides the wonderful porn IM... An IM from a very important person, simply wishing me a happy birthday. I'm glad I've had some impact on the world, but funny how this ability to impact was imparted on me by the part of the party wishing me a happy birthday.

It's just fitting. And I'm also going to play make it fit by saying that it was one of the most important people ever, if not the only person at this time in life, to ever restore faith in me, in times of darkness and light (for it is then that the fire burns bright)...

I know I still have a lot of work to do. But right now, I'm twenty years old. How much can I do in my life before I hit the big two one...?

Posted by Mark Canlas at 07:19 AM

August 01, 2004

I Feel Like I'm Taking Crazy Pills

So, earlier this past week, I had to call out somebody because she was continuing to be a stupid bitch... Normally, I wouldn't do such a thing, because I think it's so frivolous and useless... But other people requested that it should happen and I was sort of fed up with it.

I called her out, at the expense of my pride and composure. So everyone saw me break down, but I maintain the stance that she was being a stupid bitch.

See, the thing that makes this hard is that no one said anything... Or at least no one is saying a lot. No one is saying what I say, henceforth, I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. Yet, at the same time, two people before me have confronted her and I've gotten little hat tips here and there... So, in a sense, no one is disagreeing with me.

I just made the connection that I'm going to be working with this person in the future, but only for a short while... Maybe I should tell my supervisor that we're having problems, and that if she ever gives me shit again, I'll bite her shallow head off...

I'm sorry, but stupid people like this need to be squashed by the iron fist of justice, because it's just sucking so much of my time and concentration to make life any more useful. It even sucks that I'm writing about her. But look at it this way, she's that dumb.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:15 AM

July 23, 2004

Just Gotta Remember

I haven't used this as a cathartic platform in the longest time... And I miss it so. Teachers used to tell me I'm a good writer. I should keep that in mind.

And even with all the crap in life, the job, the lack of attention to my classes, the projects, the next semester, the promises, the disappointments... One of those rock type things I can always believe in still exists, and I've been given today to learn about it.

He didn't forget.

And with that I feel very happy that the world is still in one piece, sorta. That, there will always be a tomorrow to look forward to, and a yesterday to believe in.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 07:00 PM

June 30, 2004

You Bitch...

Honestly, all I can hear in my head since I came back from the dark room is the nagging of these two elitist people that formed the worst management team ever. They excelled at giving me shit. I admit, I'm not the best person on staff, nor do I know what I'm doing most of the time, but I think they should take that into account. If not, then, well, they've got a permanent noob on their hands.

I want to squash both of them like little bugs. Unfortunately, they speak a dialect other than logic, and understand only the sound of their own voice. Sucks, I know. The only way I see out of this other than physically harming them is to gain the trust of my other peers, our adivsors, and just out game them. That requires work, etc. etc... But anything to silence dumb people.

I hate dumb people! I hate people void of substance. I hate people who like to pick on others and totally think they're in a position to do so. You've messed with the wrong INTJ...

Feel my icy wrath of justice, you jerkwads...

Oh, and by the way, this also applies to anyone who is caught consorting with the enemy and/or gives me the slightest amount of guff. You're on my hit list, too.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 02:40 AM

June 20, 2004

What Makes Ice Melt

In Senate, we have our dwarf names (I forgot what mine was already) and then our Dark Dwarf names (I'm Icy)... So, I was thinking, after some recent fun events that one cannot be icy all the time... Although in my self-absorption I would believe that iciness it the best of all policies, there are truly things in this world which I will yield for. Not many, just a few. And that's good, I think. Balance.

Too much self-awareness, this Myers-Briggs business... Well, that's what he gets for labeling me an INTJ, that nutjob...

This is an INTJ, at his most vulnerable moment. =)

Posted by Mark Canlas at 08:47 PM

June 19, 2004

Drained...

Episode 08 of QAF... I was literally gasping for air at how they ended the episode... I couldn't believe it. But, best interaction ever. Michael and Brian forever. No one else. They're all teh sux0r.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:35 AM | Comments (1)

King of the What?

How can you be King of the Mountain without having a mountain?

How could be who I am, without that... Silly, fleshy shell of a mind-chariot that I'd like...

QAF makes me think I'm Brian, not Mikey.

And... The QAF story line says, when you mess with the King of the Mountain, you feel the fury of the ice cold arrows of justice... Yes.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:24 AM

June 18, 2004

Me Now

I'm a little more bitter, a little more distrustful... Yet a little more engaged and definitely more appreciative... I'm a little more happy, yet a little more wasteful. I'm definitely more educated, but I'm definitely less... Pure?

There are so many ways to go and so many ways to be, but it's hard to imagine how else I could have gotten where I am today... Which, in my opinion, isn't a very nice place... That's what the hate and distrust is for... Distrust in all things in life, for no construct can go unanalyzed... Such is the way of my personality profile, and such is the way of nature in which I agree.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 02:20 AM

June 16, 2004

Waves of Change

I'm feeling this massive wave of bitterness and hate coming along... Hate, the easiest of all emotions. I'm just getting worked up about everything. Another hit of those stupid depressing moments, where life is just too hard. Too much stuff going on. People ask/say too much. I'm not doing enough...

And yet, I'm the biggest proponent of my own strategy against other people... "Well, you just gotta prove yourself, otherwise you're shit." See, that's the problem. That's where I am right now. I'm the shit part. I haven't done anything... And I just want the world to come to me, at my every beck and call...

Stupid world. Stupid everything! Stupid social conventions, stupid photography assignments that require interacting with people... Stupid people not doing what I want...

Stupid. It's all stupid. My complaints, they're stupid.

I can't outrun the stupidity! No matter how high I go, there it is, stupidity... I can't hold on for much longer... I'm just gonna implode, or turn into an alcoholic... That's it! I should just turn to alcohol. I mean, it's worked for so many other Americans, why can't I do it too?

I think I'm going to take a nap... All this complaining, yeah, it's making me tired.

World, you're stupid. Let's just hope I don't decide to blow you up or something. I can. I'm a smart kid. Or at least I think I am. And as long as I'm cheering for myself, then, well, everybody better watch out.

Jerks. Where are you?

Posted by Mark Canlas at 05:05 PM

June 13, 2004

In the Heat of the Moment

So let's say... You're pleasuring someone or you're being pleasured... And you hear the phrase, "Mmm, oh yeah, ugh..." or similar...

Is that the truth? And I mean, is that of a true nature, in that you would always tell the truth in such a vulnerable position? I mean, does it really feel good? Are you having your buttons pushed?

And at the vulnerable, primal moment, I was wondering if you could ask totally off the ball questions that needed the truth and catch someone off guard.

A terrible "lie detector" system if you ask me. Terribly fun, that is, or might be.

Secret agent round two. I hope that's not all our relationship comes down to... Besides, it's not that big a deal to me. "It's not that serious," as a Senate President might say.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 02:41 AM

June 08, 2004

Lousy No Good?

What do you call someone who promised to do something with you and never does it? A lousy, no-good friend... Or no friend at all... Or a useless pile of social flesh...

But Mark, aren't you yourself guilty of making countless promises and never fulfilling them?

Shush, you! We're on blaming other people, not me... Jerk...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 11:27 PM

June 04, 2004

Lack of Social Convention

I think... Life is creepy... So much social interaction umm requires two people? I hate doing that. I hate doing anything. I think certain social conventions are weird... I hate being the one to initiate... My initiating functions are terrible... Okay, this is where I type afraid of rejection...

I wish the world would just ome to me...

Whatever. Life is weird. Nerf.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 09:28 AM

June 03, 2004

The Universe, It Gets Smaller

I feel as if the world is closing in on me... Things are of a higher gravity, things are getting more serious, my past is slipping away and all of the good times are fleeting... I mean, the good times are great times, but they just aren't cutting it anymore... Graduating, Carnegie Mellon, and a secret project? Who am I fucking kidding? I am in no shape to do any of that. I think I'm just a miserable failure who likes to kid himself... Self-deception was really the only skill I've ever had...

I don't think there's any time left in the world to change things... Not to say that I'll be a completely useless meat-pile and not do anything. But the world isn't rose-colored. It's not. It just isn't...

I'm just losing everything... Singing ability, nowhere near good. Friends, physically and mentally feeling farther everyday. School work, terrible. Job prospects, what job? Independence? I don't even know how to cook!

Life, like the idea of reality is just crashing down upon me and I'm not sure what to do... One's blind idealism really isn't the way to go when the big rock is a-comin' down...

But I won't deny that certain things in life just feel right, no matter what time of day it is... Holding on to my friends for dear life, that feels right... Sleeping, sleeping is always good. That feels right. Imagining the prospects of true information management, that feels right. Picturing myself in some artistic/musical capacity, that, too, at times feels right.

So I'm given these few right moments that are getting fewer and fewer by the second... What's one to do...

Posted by Mark Canlas at 03:56 PM

Being Consumed, Mentally

The coolest medium on earth is the mind... Because you can have a thought and let it consume you. Right now, I have secret agent thoughts. I don't deny it. I revel in it. I'm consumed by it. I think good thoughts. I ignore my homework and sleepy happily.

Yup. Secret agent.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:42 AM

June 02, 2004

The Young and the Gifted

I'm always used to being the youngest in the circle... If anyone took that away from me, I'd stab them.

...

I'm actually the 2nd oldest of the fantasic four, my roommates and I. Damn them youngsters. Anyway, I've always found some satisfaction and obligation to being young and good at something. And yet, as my college career comes to some awkward and painful close (painful because I'm so bad at school), I still feel like I'm mad old and mad lacking... Maybe that's because I'm missing something in my life that maybe I should have taken seize of... Or that maybe my chances for fulfilling other parts of my dream are getting slimmer and slimmer... Or that maybe that second ferry to make up for the first lost is also slowly slipping away at each second that I waste...

And speaking of wasting seconds and my work ethic, I just thought of something. People always ask me what I'm doing and how I waste time... And I always tell them I'm doing work, but I'm not really doing work. I think I should have just convinced people that I'm actually being productive so that they wouldn't have to ask. All these years, I've just been kidding myself. I haven't worked a day in my life, and it shows in my transcript. Damn the world. Fuck them...

I don't know what work is. I don't know what I have to do to some system to prove that I'm worthy... I hate that. It's all in my head. All of the world's solutions are in my head... They just need work and work ethic and energy to be manifested. And I hate that! I'd love to bring the barriers of communication down and have a whole idea/lovefest going on... That way I can have my brain children without all that crap in the middle.

Here's to procrastination and the work that we invest to avoid more work later. Cheers.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 09:45 PM

May 13, 2004

Sedatory Setting In

Hey, check it out. "Sedatory" isn't a real world.

So I'm at home, using two computers, QAFing away and feeling quite mild about the world. Lots of things suck (mostly my grades), but there is a lot to look forward to.

And on QAFing, I was thinking I'd most likely be a Ted, but I don't want to project that character upon me and become a crystal freak. But I will go on record and say that I think the best duo, by far, in the entire show is Michael and Brian. Mos def.

QAFing first. Fix computers later.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 09:22 PM

May 08, 2004

The Sound of Achievement

A certain someone's criticism put me back into a place of solitude, introversion, and distrust... Thanks, Someone. Jerk...

They made me feel bad. About what I did. Someone questioned my motives. They didn't trust me. I think the system is stupid... And now, I have to conform. Or do something.

Maybe this person has a problem with me... I don't like having problems with people. I don't have a problem with this person, except for their making me feel bad. But hey, now I'm in a better place, and that place is called within. I'm in a place where I can curl up in a little ball because no one is willing to comfort me other than myself...

The only sound people ever want to hear is the sound of achievement, because otherwise, they aren't listening. The world revolves around trumping others and proving people wrong, because so many people are full of shit.

And now the spot light is on me. I always say how next time I'm going to do better, but it's getting closer and closer to no next time at all. So maybe the overall procrastination boost has to kick in? I have to prove myself... And I have to make certain people shut the hell up. I have to prove to everyone that I've got what it takes. That I can do this. That I can go to Carnegie Mellon and do all of the wonderful things I've set out to do... Time's running out.

So, this person doesn't trust me. In fact, a lot of people don't trust me. And I guess that's good now. Trust and comfort and all that mushy shit made me complacent... Now's the time to freak out and do what I do best, and earn people's trust. I don't want their trust. I think it sucks. People get too touchy feely at that point... Silly mortals.

Now, I'm in a position, within myself, almost completely distrustful of the world. I'd very much like to put myself at ease and solidify my statement, for my trust would only fall to two forces in exception to my new rule. One, the life saver supreme. Even if we aren't together as often as convention would have it, our time is an amazing time. And two, inspiration and believe supreme. Probably the only person in the world who I'd invest the truest amount of faith in... The most blind and most vulnerable kind. Ehh, after that, all of you can suck it.

And I want you to know, for all passers by dazed and confused at such a negative proclaimation, you have that certain jerk to thank, but jettisoning me into the direction of the most distrustful world. All you're listening to is the sound of achievement.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 06:17 PM

May 05, 2004

In the Untimely Event

I was wondering if I could fit my life on a disk... In case my computer breaks. Or if I break.

Text.
Picures.
MP3s.

Text is really easy. I think this whole blog, minus the engine, doesn't even reach like 3 MB... Pictures. I guess I'd keep my pictures, but I'd have to weed out the dumb ones or compress them well. MP3s. I think I can only keep the meta data of the songs and not the songs themselves... That should be good enough. Did I mention I wanted to fit this all on a disk? A DVD, sure, but I don't have a DVD burner. A CD, sure, but CDs are bulky (going minimalist, here). A mini-CD, rock on! Yeah, life in 200 MB... Can it be done? I guess there's obviously a weeding out process involved. But the text... The text with much meaning... It will always save me.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 04:16 PM

May 01, 2004

On the Road to Self-Destruction

I don't understand what's going on... The sun is defniitely messing with me. I'm so moody and unstable, as if it was the dead of winter. I have my goals clearly defined, but I'm screwing myself over. I'm being so self-destructive, doing bad things and thinking evil thoughts... It's kinda terrible, at least I think so.

I mean, the world is all good and well, but I'm not sure what there is left to think about that will pull me out of this... Rut. Sure, you can call it laziness, but it's a little more clinical/cronic than that, right?

Achievement only brings me so far. I mean, of course it feels good, but not when you're feeling retarded as I am now... I need a new topic to focus on. Something else that's positive that will consume me...

I like it when things consume me. It makes me bilnd. And it makes the world see brighter. But right now, I'm thinking and doing the wrong things... Especially with this semester. Everything's going to hell. And I said that everything would get harder?

I mean, what's harder than Senate, eighteen credits, and employment? Oh wait, did I mention that's in the summer? And then in the fall, capping it all off, eighteen credits again, executive board, my return to chorus, vocal lessons, singing club, and clean up crew? Double-you tee eff indeed...

Maybe I should go back to my normal self and just start whining about how everyone is better than me and just pile it on. Keep piling and piling until my pain is another man's desire... To do so much, it's inhuman.

Must. Compete. Competition is blood. Competition is life (since high school anyway). I'm going to come out of college and crush everyone like little ants... And by crush I really do mean do better unto the world with some nifty HCI invention... Oh and did I mention being better than you?

Yeah, it's excessive. But at least it works. At it's a hell of a lot more pure than what I'm doing right now...

Competition it is, then.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 08:36 AM

April 30, 2004

Engulfed in a Negative Aura

What do you do when a bad mood begins to engulf you and swallow you alive...? I'm definitely not enjoying the day. Stupid leadership honors society... Maybe step one, I should change my clothes into something more comfortable. Step two, sit at my computer and read my e-mail. E-mail is fun. Step three... Sit at my computer again.

Ugh. Being an introvert... Nothing is ever really that much fun. Ever. Really. Fun.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:16 PM

April 29, 2004

Confusion to the Maxx

I was originally going to write an entry about maximum confusion and how it holds life's greatest secrets... But now the confusion has been lifted. Game's over.

Ugh, it was so much better being blind to the world. Conspiracy theories are the best. If they're wrong, they die quietly. If they're correct, then hey, the world is in your favor, no?

Ugh man I feel so dead now... But then again I never really was alive...

RIP Mark Canlas, April 1X, 2003, the part of me that will live on forever in the hearts and minds of those who remember.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 12:06 AM

April 27, 2004

On Silence and Introversion

Silence never felt wrong to me... For a while, I've been bent on sharing my feelings and opening up to everyone, but now I'm starting to see that it's a bit over-rated... No need to tell everyone everything. I'm an introvert for a reason, and I like it.

So, when it comes to all those complex things in life, I really don't feel like telling anyone... No one gets me, so why try? It's my issue, not yours... Bleh.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 07:17 PM

April 24, 2004

Stolen Camera at the Semi

As of late, the world isn't worth trusting. Trust no man, under any circumstance, ever.

I'm not one to ever call myself out, so be it that someone took it by accident or what have you, someone defniitely stole my camera. I can feel people are gonna be quick to shoot me shit about just leaving it on the table, but who the fuck goes our of their way to steal shit? And even then, what are the odds that I'll get it back? I sure as hell hope that everyone in their drunkardness didn't have enough time and energy to care about my camera and that some shifty ass employee of whatever shit Bethwood jacked my cam.

I was intentionally trying to be my introverted self that night. I didn't even dance to any trancey songs, which I guess should have surprised people. But whatever. That wasn't the point. I had fun staring and studying people. It's what I do, however unfortunate that may be. But the real kicker of the night was losing my shit, and I really hate the world now. I really do. What this signals to me is that no matter how much you trust someone, if they break that bond once, then you're done, forever. And now I can't trust the general public, or my friends. And it's really dumb to pull this INTJ X-files bullshit angle on everything and everyone in my life. Not fair to me and them. I'd just like to give a personal shout out to the bastards that stole my PS2 gear and my camera. I hope you all rot in hell, because stealing isn't cool, and you're bringing me to my breaking point.

Discovering weak points in humanity is not my deal. Now I gotta work this shit off, even though I've never had a job or whatever... Miniversity employment money or gah., it's going to a PS2 set and another camera. A small one. A better one. One that won't get touched by anyone, ever.

Fuck you, world. Fuck you, a thousand fold, for ever crossing my path.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 07:12 AM

April 20, 2004

All isn't Everything at All

You know what the worst part about being an INTJ is...? Always being right. Lacking a conscience. Or having an easily dismissed one. That no matter how bad things get, either immoral or just plain retarded, I'll always be right.

It's terrible. No feeling or concern for others at all. In the end, it's just right or wrong and I'm always right...

It's weird, because so matter how self-consumed I get, even in introspective, everything's aight because... I'm right.

Right?

Posted by Mark Canlas at 01:15 PM

No More Hate?

That's funny... I could have sworn I wrote an entry last night entitled "Hate Hate Hate" ... Now I can't find it anymore... I forgot to press save?

It described the opposite of what I just wrote. About how hate is so easy and how hate turns how to be the emotion of motions... Because I was in a hateful mood. Oh well.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 09:20 AM

Feeling Inspired to Distract

Even if Hate really is an easy emotion, how about Inspiration? I know there are certain times when all I can do is feel inspired. I'm consumed by the inspiration... But eh those are only on the good days. And when I'm really mad, I'm really mad... Bleh, so polar. Not.

I dunno. I still say it's easier to denounce the world than to be inspired by it, for however good inspiration is. Sucks.

But if it's a good day and the sun is out, then I'll deny everything I said yesterday with my poor poor memory and get a six on the sun stare. Why? Because... It's all about balance. Today, which is the best day of the week, I'm feeling inspired.

Posted by Mark Canlas at 09:17 AM